The Balancing Point(s)

Sometimes we have bad days, sometimes we have good days. I don’t think I sit down and count how many good days I have so that I can keep score. I mean everything balances out in the end in some form. So why worry about some things that we cannot control and forget about some of the things we can control. I spent about 30-45 minutes taking a practice quiz online for my quiz tomorrow, then making note cards and attempting my best to study. Part of me stops and thinks, hey I bet my boyfriend didn’t have to do this when He was in school. Yeah, yeah, He was in a field of study that you didn’t have to study like I am studying right now. Note: He did have to study and work at it, I’m not saying that, I’m saying the style of studying and the work that had to be learned was slight different then my work.

Now I know I could never do what He does. First, I’m not a geek, although I am a geek fan girl. I never excelled in things that were not interactions in the way I see them. Take nursing, you interact with a whole shit load of people on many different levels. That’s my kind of thing. Going in and seeing what needs to be done and doing it. Then seeing the changes you’ve created. If I’m looking at lines in a book about how to put something together, I can’t read that in that format. So of coarse I am not going to be in those type of fields reading lines of codes or how to guides. Just not my scene.

So what the hell does this have to do with kink? Well, balance. That’s the simplest connection I can find really. I talked to Sir today about this and asked Him His opinions on a subject that really interests me. The answer came down to balance, at least how I translated what He said. Some people in life do things for themselves and they don’t really care about others in the process. Me? I don’t think I could be like that, no matter how many times in the past I’ve been accused of it. I stop and think, if even for a moment, about the outcome of my actions and how they might effect someone else. Sometimes I think more then others, again just the nature of the beast.

There are also other people who are out there doing their own thing. Now be it for whatever reason, they are just happy swimming in their damn fish pond. I think if I thought about it, my sister is kind of like this in a limited way. She knows everyone, everything, and just about anything you could want to know about the place where we both grew up. That is, she knows who is fucking who, who did what to who, and so on. It is a very extensive knowledge base. The thing I think that makes her different is she could go anywhere and do that, she just doesn’t care at this moment. She talks about moving over seas, and she talks about moving away. A lot of talk but I think someday she just might do it. Hell, she got married and we were all betting against that (funny thing is, she’s still married).

But there are lots of people out there in the kink world who have their own style or M/O. Sometimes I sit back and watch. That’s one thing that I am not recognized for or maybe I am and I just don’t know it yet. I really do like to sit and watch how people interact on a social level in the kink world. It’s not fair to put people into boxes and I am not doing that. I’m just taking a few examples and making some mental connections. There are those people who are so graceful. That’s what I call it anyway. They go into a room, do their thing, smile/laugh/have fun, and go on to the next thing.

Part of me wonders of those people are dancers. Because the ones I’ve seen and met are in the very least performers. I don’t mean they get up and dance on cue or that they are a trained money to spin the turn crank. I mean they light up the room and bring a great energy into the scene and do it so gracefully it usually leaves me speechless. Beyond that it leaves me looking inward at myself to better myself not grumble about oh how I wish I could be them. Because in all honesty I could be that graceful person that brightens up the room. I know when I met my Sir the second time I was that person who just bounced across the room and gave Him the biggest hug. I made His night and He made mine. Not to down play that, but to me in my mind that’s “small scale”. The people I am talking about do that on a larger scale. Not saying that one is better then the other, because both are special and take special people. But if I knew how to extend myself and brighten up more then one person’s room at a time, I would.

I want this world to be a positive place for growth and other things. I think that there are very special people out there working hard to make that world expand and reach more people who may feel lost in the dark. For many years I was one of those people who was lost in the dark and feeling so far down I didn’t know what way I was going or who I was deep down inside. Part of me wants to explain and let more people in to that time period so they can better understand me. And with that comes another view point for them. Yes, we go through good days and bad, but knowing that we aren’t the only ones gives us a connection. A point to grow on and to hopefully pull us towards something that helps us grow as a person.

I got asked in a phone interview once, “So, is there anything about having kink in your life that has made it hard?” The person asked me that question many different times in many different ways. Trying to get me to say something like : “yes, I feel bad I’m a freak because the mainstream just tears me apart.” That’s not the case for me. Maybe cause I’m half in and half out. Hell my picture is posted on enough kinky sites anyway. For me, being kinky is just part of who I am and I refuse to feel bad for it. Sometimes I doubt myself and my choices, who doesn’t? But the guy didn’t understand what he was asking. He might have well asked a man born at birth blind, if he regretted never seeing the colors of a sunset. That man has never seen so he doesn’t know what he is missing. I’ve never been the mainstream type girl. I never fit into groups that were considered “normal” by the mainstream media or people who live in that type of life.

I don’t know what it’s like to go to prom, I don’t know what it’s like to be a popular cheerleader (although I do know what it’s like to tackle a cheerleader in flag football). Those things I will never know because part of me doesn’t really care to know. Do I want a house with a white picket fence and neighbors to come over on the weekend while my stud of a husband cooks meat on the grill? Well, as long as I have a dungeon in the basement, frequent flier miles, and my neighbors (at least some of them) are kinky too. Then that “American Dream” might be bearable for me.

~Raven~

New thoughts on Ordeals and Figging

Hello E/everyone. Hope that this weekend rocks for everyone. At the D.C GRUE relaxing for a moment while I wait for a figging class. I have always wanted to try figging, but wanted to watch someone else do it first. You know that kind of thing where you research it and read all the “warnings”. You still think it’s fun, but you want to make sure you do it right or understand the consequences of your actions. Figging is the type of thing (from my reading) that once you start, you cannot stop. So that alone gives me pause. I have a few lists set up for myself as far as kinks/fetishes go. The first list is the group of things I’m willing and most likely only want to do by myself. That’s things like heat sensations and things I’m not wanting to share with anyone else. The next list is things I really, really want to try but I don’t want to do it alone. I want a back up plan in case things go horribly wrong. Figging is on that list. Sure anyone can shove a piece of ginger in their body.

Now time for me to do figging…correction, now time for the figging class where I watch it. Then figure out if it’s still something I want to do. Yes this blog post is going to be broken up and written in a sort of real time fashion, but that is only because I can stand doing it just this one time.

<\_~

Well, I just had a lovely conversation with someone who was so refreshing to talk to on many levels. Learning and sharing time with someone who is well versed in the areas that you yourself are working towards is just lovely. It makes you realize that it can and is being done.

There is so much I want to say, but feel so limited due to the words we have to describe these beautiful butterflies. I am waiting for the fishbowl though, that is something I think would be helpful to me. The rope bottom round table that went on was very good vibes. I’m so happy that others just kept it going and in my mind it was productive for me. Right now, I have no clue where Sir is at. But relaxing and taking a moment for myself just feels right. I have this time where I know I need to reset myself. Some things did grind on my nerves, but that had to do with every day life and things I still have to learn to deal with internally.

While talking to this lovely lady, I realized that I am not clear on what I think is the next level in my path. So maybe that is a wrong word choice. I think what I want is a way to stay more focused on my path and figure out how my path mixes and interacts with Sir and the path He is on. This goes back to the ordeal path and my reading of books on that topic. I am really drawn towards it, and I guess the goddess wanted to give me a clear understanding of what that path included. Sometimes, you don’t get a choice in the matter of ordeal path. Sickness happens. For the first week I was going out of my mind insane with pain and fear. Those two things overtook me. I didn’t know what was wrong with my body, I didn’t know much of anything. There were times when I couldn’t even think. Taking “that” away from me made me unsure. It was a feeling of helplessness and that lead to other feelings.

One of my biggest hang ups is the dealing with pain. Because of the way I grew up, my family, and other factors, I have this mental block of not knowing what I’m in “too much pain.” I have never passed out from pain. I have twice given up because of the pain. The first time I was getting my blood drawn for the 3rd time that week. The previous two blood tests came back normal. I had twisted and flinched and had my normal reactions to the needle going in and out. The 3rd time, however, mentally I was defeated. At that point the pain was constant. There was no relief. And here is this nurse just trying to help me and knowing my reaction to needles feels bad for me. But I don’t move. I just check out mentally. She finishes and then I start crying . Not because of the pain, but because my mind clicked and mentally I could not go on. I did walk to the waiting area to where Sir was, eyes red and I flopped down. I went from crying to bawling my eyes out, shaking and Him having to drag me out of the waiting area to the car. Once we got to the car I clicked back. Okay I just walked from the waiting area to the car. I didn’t think I could do it but I did. So that must mean I’m not done yet. I still have more to give.

The next time was in the ER. I went in and waiting for 2 hours about. I didn’t have a watch nor did I care. At one point I went to the nurses and begged them to help me. At this point I hadn’t had food in 5-6 days and I hadn’t had liquids in about 3 days. Yes, I know what it’s like to want water so badly, but to not be able to drink it. To have the thing I wanted most in the world, just a fucking glass of water, and my body couldn’t handle taking it in. That was very defeating for me. The nurses couldn’t do anything till the process of checking me in was done and there was a room in the ER for me. So I walking and stumbled to the back corner of the ER and laid down. I don’t know what is going on, suddenly I wake up and all the people who were there before waiting were gone. I felt my face and it was covered in drool. I just had given up at that point on feeling any relief. I did get it later on that night, and was shocked. That was one turning point for me. Ever since then water is like gold to me. I collect water bottles and won’t toss any of it away.

To end this blog entry I want to go back to the start for a moment. Figging. I think I’m not really going to be thrilled with a ginger root up my ass, but the sounds of getting ginger on my pussy is much better. Just my own observations and talking with the demo bottom who sounds a lot like me along the lines of how the sensations line up. Although yes we know no two people are alike, but I had the feeling that I’d enjoy it more on my pussy then ass. But hey, I can always try both.

~Raven~

New Turning Point

*sight* well the blog post I typed out for tonight didn't save and I am left here slightly bummed out over that. Right now Sir and I are watching a movie. Between being sick, TFW, and now the GRUE I have tons to write about, many ides pass through my mind about each thing.

I have to admit that things that have happened have given me new point of view on things. I feel some weight has been lifted off of me at the same time it was a bittersweet moment. You know when you look back at different stages of life ya remember good points, then you also remember you can't go backwards. Have to keep going forward. That's what this is like to an extent.

This is my lovely short blog entry, yeah I feel bad but hey it's late and get to struggle with early morning wake up calls.

~Raven~