Last night was so lovely. Okay, more lovely for me then Sir. He was feeling a bit under the weather. He surprised me and we had a bit of fun here and there during the night. At one point He turned to me and with the smile I know and love said: "You know how you said you wanted warning before we do rope. Consider this a warning." My face dropped slightly, I thought He meant right then and there in the middle of the night when we were both more then half asleep. "Right this second?" I asked meekly. "No, later today." He smiled and rolled back over and went to sleep leaving me with wonderful shivers and excitement.
I have been having a hard time with trust issues. I have always had trust issues. I am scared of people leaving me to an extent, most of the people I've called friends and held dear have left me, or I've left them when I've pulled my head out of my ass and saw it wasn't good for me. Now I have this healthy relationship and wonderful man in my life and I am so worried I'll do something and He'll leave. Or He'll just leave. I know I shouldn't worry, He cares about me and I care about Him. But part of me that kept me from ever wanting to be a slave and give everything over to someone has gotten a bit bigger.
I have it in my mind that hey I would love to trust someone, be with them, and give them everything I have down to my core. But what happens later on down the line, when "He" has all my money, I don't have a job, I don't have anything but Him and He kicks me to the street. Then I'm 30 something with nothing but a box to live out of and having to start all over again. The idea of having to start over is mentally crushing to me. It is the thing that scares me. I have found this great friend, lover, Sir, and most of all person. . . I don't want to not know Him. I want to be friends and have fun and be close to Him. I don't want to push hard on my trust issues because He might be scared away.
The only problem is I hurt Him with my lack of trust, He trusts me more then I trust Him and that hurts to know. So I've been mentally searching for ways to get around this wall. Maybe chop it down a bit and trim it up so that I can move forward and get closer to what I want. It may not be with Him, But that doesn't mean that I can't work towards it and learn from this relationship.
I'm going to push myself mentally and other ways to see if this wall gets into shape. The book I'm reading by Lee has helped give me ideas and thoughts as to what direction may work out well for me.
I am lucky and happy to be working on this with Sir. . . I hope I work on it fast enough and well enough.
So we're laying in bed before we decide to go get our morning coffee and I have come to terms with the idea of being 100% honest with my boss about me fucking up the schedule and I think I didn't request one day off that I needed off. So I'm gonna tell my boss just that. . . and try not to laugh about it. I think the pre-shibaricon jitters are sinking in. And it feels oh so good.
~Raven~
Saturday, May 22, 2010
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Learning from others.
Tis raining outside and I'm having a lazy day. No matter how many times I go to start the dishes they have yet to be totally done. So I'm just laying round talking with people, I wanted to make dinner for Sir before He goes out for the evening while I sleep.
I have the urge to make brownies but I figure I'd end up falling asleep with the oven on and really killing them or turning them into deadly tossing brownies. One hit will knock you out for days and leave you happy it only hit you're head instead of you're teeth.
I have a lovely weekend at kinko. The people who got the event together were wonderful. It was fun and I learned a bit. Although, I still have one or two questions to go over with Sir and get His opinion on. I liked the classes I did go to, and I'm kicking myself for not asking more questions. I have this mental block for asking things. So many hot girls and sexy guys. I got the chance to ask a Rigger some questions and got some really good answers and learned a lot more about rope.
It was fun to be tied and then fuck with the rigger only to be let known that I shouldn't be fucking with that person, He's slightly sadistic. Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, sure guys. . . Oh wait that hurts, oh wait that hurts oh so good. So good it's almost worrying me that I enjoyed that pain that much. If I was a sane person I'd have said fuck this that hurts I'm done. Oh no, never said raven was sane. It hurt, it twitched, and it felt so good. To be spun round on one leg with you're mind screaming you're going to fall is a bunch of fun, because you're mind cannot keep up with you're own mind let alone the fucker who is keeping the body so off balance that everything you think you know. . . you don't.
(I'm watching a show and thinking- I want a cookie, just one.)
If my body hadn't have given out and tapped out, I think I'd still days later be hanging there just cause that feeling was nice.
Now I move on to another new experience. Inner silence. When I play with Sir some of the time our energy level hooks up just right and it's an amazing ride. I think that anyone who isn't or is sane that wouldn't want to try it. Lately, I've been feeling down on myself because we haven't hooked up with rope like this in a long while, His injuries and my work. Yeah not too easy to get relaxed and pain free on top of being on the same page. One of us has to give and other take while both of us are pushing pulling. I'm not wanting to get started unless I KNOW FOR SURE that I will feel what I want to feel. Anyway, That's my fault. I should let Him lead me, after all that's what I enjoy.
We went for a ground tie instead of a suspension. I made that call at the last second. I was practicing mediation that I learned earlier in the day and something just made me want to request a ground tie. I started to feel as we were getting ready to start the scene the energy that I was longing for, I wanted to keep it up. I looked forward to it and try my hardest to hold on to it.
I am not very picky about somethings. I don't mind a bit. But If I have a goal, I've learned through this experience I should not get made when I don't tell my partner that I want to achieve this goal when something happens to stop that goal from being reached. I have in the past jumped into Sir's scenes with my friend, I know that she didn't mind, most the time I'd just hand Him things or tickle her. Or other times I'd suggest things for Sir to do. Now, she has been wanting and jumping in on our scenes when I've backed away from her scenes. I don't want to be mean and say I don't want her there. But I don't want to have to call safe word to get someone to stop. That's not how I play. I play how I play. IF you can't read my body and my tones, then you shouldn't play with me. I will call red, but you will be sore for days after I'm forced to call red.
My friend jumped in our scene and my mind just stopped. I shut down and in shutting down I let the play flow through me. I enjoyed it on a different level and it was fun. So part of me is happy I got to a new level, the other is not so happy that I still don't feel that connected with Sir in our scenes on a consistent bases.
That brings me to the end of this rather long post. Maybe I'll write more tonight about the enjoyable things of life. Hope you all have a lovely safe day. I have to continue to learn to play nice with others, this is one way I've found works to an extent.
~Raven~
I have the urge to make brownies but I figure I'd end up falling asleep with the oven on and really killing them or turning them into deadly tossing brownies. One hit will knock you out for days and leave you happy it only hit you're head instead of you're teeth.
I have a lovely weekend at kinko. The people who got the event together were wonderful. It was fun and I learned a bit. Although, I still have one or two questions to go over with Sir and get His opinion on. I liked the classes I did go to, and I'm kicking myself for not asking more questions. I have this mental block for asking things. So many hot girls and sexy guys. I got the chance to ask a Rigger some questions and got some really good answers and learned a lot more about rope.
It was fun to be tied and then fuck with the rigger only to be let known that I shouldn't be fucking with that person, He's slightly sadistic. Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, sure guys. . . Oh wait that hurts, oh wait that hurts oh so good. So good it's almost worrying me that I enjoyed that pain that much. If I was a sane person I'd have said fuck this that hurts I'm done. Oh no, never said raven was sane. It hurt, it twitched, and it felt so good. To be spun round on one leg with you're mind screaming you're going to fall is a bunch of fun, because you're mind cannot keep up with you're own mind let alone the fucker who is keeping the body so off balance that everything you think you know. . . you don't.
(I'm watching a show and thinking- I want a cookie, just one.)
If my body hadn't have given out and tapped out, I think I'd still days later be hanging there just cause that feeling was nice.
Now I move on to another new experience. Inner silence. When I play with Sir some of the time our energy level hooks up just right and it's an amazing ride. I think that anyone who isn't or is sane that wouldn't want to try it. Lately, I've been feeling down on myself because we haven't hooked up with rope like this in a long while, His injuries and my work. Yeah not too easy to get relaxed and pain free on top of being on the same page. One of us has to give and other take while both of us are pushing pulling. I'm not wanting to get started unless I KNOW FOR SURE that I will feel what I want to feel. Anyway, That's my fault. I should let Him lead me, after all that's what I enjoy.
We went for a ground tie instead of a suspension. I made that call at the last second. I was practicing mediation that I learned earlier in the day and something just made me want to request a ground tie. I started to feel as we were getting ready to start the scene the energy that I was longing for, I wanted to keep it up. I looked forward to it and try my hardest to hold on to it.
I am not very picky about somethings. I don't mind a bit. But If I have a goal, I've learned through this experience I should not get made when I don't tell my partner that I want to achieve this goal when something happens to stop that goal from being reached. I have in the past jumped into Sir's scenes with my friend, I know that she didn't mind, most the time I'd just hand Him things or tickle her. Or other times I'd suggest things for Sir to do. Now, she has been wanting and jumping in on our scenes when I've backed away from her scenes. I don't want to be mean and say I don't want her there. But I don't want to have to call safe word to get someone to stop. That's not how I play. I play how I play. IF you can't read my body and my tones, then you shouldn't play with me. I will call red, but you will be sore for days after I'm forced to call red.
My friend jumped in our scene and my mind just stopped. I shut down and in shutting down I let the play flow through me. I enjoyed it on a different level and it was fun. So part of me is happy I got to a new level, the other is not so happy that I still don't feel that connected with Sir in our scenes on a consistent bases.
That brings me to the end of this rather long post. Maybe I'll write more tonight about the enjoyable things of life. Hope you all have a lovely safe day. I have to continue to learn to play nice with others, this is one way I've found works to an extent.
~Raven~
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Age, The past, and the brat.
Today, while driving to Sir's house from paying some of my bills, I started to think. Yes, warning: Raven was thinking. Then after I had my little tiff tonight I was thinking yet again. Two or three subjects that are tied together. First being the past and second being age. I am younger, not to brag but to state the facts of life. I do not have as much life experience as others out there. But I'm growing and learning, best of all I'm exploring. It's fun, it's painful, it's different, it's new, it's old. All those things and more;life.
Most to all of my friends are older then me. Be it a month or 20 years. It's just the way things are in my life. I don't really have a high tolerance for those that act like they are 12 years old. Now, I can act like I'm 12 all I want. LOL, just kidding. I'd like to think most of the time I act decent. (That's based on my and my friend's opinions). I started to wonder things having to do with age. I would go into detail, but it's a bit late right now and I'll write them when I have a clear idea. But I know that Sir is content with it. Yes, I'm sure I drive Him nuts once and a while acting foolish. But for the most part He likes me for me.
That brings me to the thought of my past, His past, our ex's. My one ex above the others, but they're still guilty, have shoved away my past. They were all about themselves in the now. They refused to talk about their past. No clear past and no clear future.
I'm not saying one should live in their past, I'm more along the lines of accepting where we came from and who we were to allow us to move on and grow. I don't want to live in the past. My family tends to do that, they remind me of my mistakes. Maybe in hopes that I don't repeat them. It's just they don't know that it's a pain to have someone poke and poke and poke at the nasty parts. I liked to think I've learned from my past, that I won't repeat my mistakes, and that I am better for living through what I've gone through. Like everyone else out there. . .okay most everyone. Not everyone is about learning, growing, and exploring. But I can be happy and put my rosie colored glasses for this ONE thing.
I did brat out tonight with Sir for a moment, and not in a good way. I have this problem, I could not give two shits about the 50 different ways to do one thing on computers. I cannot speak computers, so going into things I know that in this area Sir and I are on two different levels. He knows computers so well, I admire this about Him. It turns me on really. I've avoid it thus far. But I wanted to explore a new computer program and needed His help. One thing I didn't do was explain to Sir that I get frustrated with things and want to do things ONE way, I don't want to have to learn all the ways to do one thing. I also didn't tell Him that I had spent a few hours the previous day tried to remember how He showed me how to do the task.
If I would've just communicate that I wouldn't have gone to brat mode. And if Sir would've listened to my attempts instead of trying to keep showing me different ways to do things, we both would've been much better and not seen my bratty side.
Just an example of how if one tries to communicate it DOES work and saves one a head ache.
Hope ya all are keeping safe, with this wild weather around the country.
~Raven~
Most to all of my friends are older then me. Be it a month or 20 years. It's just the way things are in my life. I don't really have a high tolerance for those that act like they are 12 years old. Now, I can act like I'm 12 all I want. LOL, just kidding. I'd like to think most of the time I act decent. (That's based on my and my friend's opinions). I started to wonder things having to do with age. I would go into detail, but it's a bit late right now and I'll write them when I have a clear idea. But I know that Sir is content with it. Yes, I'm sure I drive Him nuts once and a while acting foolish. But for the most part He likes me for me.
That brings me to the thought of my past, His past, our ex's. My one ex above the others, but they're still guilty, have shoved away my past. They were all about themselves in the now. They refused to talk about their past. No clear past and no clear future.
I'm not saying one should live in their past, I'm more along the lines of accepting where we came from and who we were to allow us to move on and grow. I don't want to live in the past. My family tends to do that, they remind me of my mistakes. Maybe in hopes that I don't repeat them. It's just they don't know that it's a pain to have someone poke and poke and poke at the nasty parts. I liked to think I've learned from my past, that I won't repeat my mistakes, and that I am better for living through what I've gone through. Like everyone else out there. . .okay most everyone. Not everyone is about learning, growing, and exploring. But I can be happy and put my rosie colored glasses for this ONE thing.
I did brat out tonight with Sir for a moment, and not in a good way. I have this problem, I could not give two shits about the 50 different ways to do one thing on computers. I cannot speak computers, so going into things I know that in this area Sir and I are on two different levels. He knows computers so well, I admire this about Him. It turns me on really. I've avoid it thus far. But I wanted to explore a new computer program and needed His help. One thing I didn't do was explain to Sir that I get frustrated with things and want to do things ONE way, I don't want to have to learn all the ways to do one thing. I also didn't tell Him that I had spent a few hours the previous day tried to remember how He showed me how to do the task.
If I would've just communicate that I wouldn't have gone to brat mode. And if Sir would've listened to my attempts instead of trying to keep showing me different ways to do things, we both would've been much better and not seen my bratty side.
Just an example of how if one tries to communicate it DOES work and saves one a head ache.
Hope ya all are keeping safe, with this wild weather around the country.
~Raven~
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