Last night was a night filled with flash backs. From the dreams I’ve been having lately, the surgery I had last month, to the scenes I’ve watched. It’s been one roller coaster of feelings and thoughts. This afternoon I was really rather upset over something that I had no control over. On top of that life isn’t fair so there really is no use in getting so upset over that fact. Maybe it has to do with how we feel about our loved ones that makes us more upset over the fact life isn’t fair. I can take a good bit of shit in my life, sure I don’t always handle it with style and grace. But I do handle it.
When I was in my teens I stopped asking “why me?” when bad things happened. I started looking at it as, well if it wasn’t me then it’d be someone else. Maybe that person wouldn’t be able to handle it. That out look grew. Now I’d rather it be me getting the shit happening to then my friends. I can cry, I have a shoulder to lean on and ask for help from. I have more then one shoulder. These things help me and when I’m so far down I can’t even look up I’m reminded that “if it wasn’t me, it’d be someone else.” I know people have seen me at very bad moments. I’ve snapped at people when I was sick.
It got to a point this summer where people who knew me casually couldn’t even talk to me. There was really only one person that could talk to me and I’d listen to them. But my casual friends still attempted to help me, to which I thank them for trying. The point where I was almost truly defeated was the loneliest point. Yes, other people out there have had surgeries and illnesses. It’s when you’re scared and you’re fighting to find out what’s wrong with you but loosing that battle that the mind starts slipping into a darker area. You don’t care about what other people have gone through or that they might have it harder then you are having it. Those things really do go out the window. When you don’t know if you’ll ever get better again because for months the doctors don’t communicate with you is when the break downs happen. Some people it happen sooner, some people it happen later, and hell for some it never even happens.
Trying to get me to remember that others have suffered and been in the amount of pain I was in was not a productive task. It felt like these friends of mine were saying I couldn’t even have a moment to cry and release these feelings to them. Like I had to put on a happy face to save them from hearing about how much I was scared, how much I hurt. That happens a good bit in my life with my friends. I’ll listen and listen long and hard to their thoughts, feelings, and so on. But as soon as I start talking about something they don’t want to her I get the same form of lines. “Oh, you’re always having a bad time.”
That was one of the flash backs and pet peeves of mine. Part of me still thinks I am this weak person because of what my causal friends have told me as well as my family. There was really only one person who was there for me and watched me suffer. And the looks on His face made me want to cry but instead I smiled. I know He likes my smile. I knew if I smiled and did my best that He wouldn’t hurt as much. He, as my lover and best friend, saw me at my most horrid moment in life and didn’t run away. He didn’t play off my pain or tell me I was wrong for bitching. When I wanted to give up He supported me and showed me the reasons I should be proud of myself. That, to me, is what a friend does and what I strive to do for others.
After going to the movies and attempting to find shoes for me we got home. Have to admit I felt like a bus hit me. At that moment another flash back to when I was in the hospital hit me. I can’t say that I wanted to cry, more like I was amazed at myself. When I tell people “ I have no shame”, I really mean it. I got up to my hospital room from surgery. I had to pee really badly. The nurse smiled and said good well you can walk to the bathroom and then into bed. My mother and father were there as well. Yes, my relationship with my mother is not the best, but I was so freaking happy to see her because it showed me share cared enough to show up. Also she was a nurse and I knew she’d help me while she was there.
I sat up, that was fine. I stood up, that was not so fine. I took a few steps and the nausea hit me so hard. My mother hand my arm and I started moving as fast as I could toward the bathroom. I sat down thinking that hey now that I’m sitting again I’ll not feel so sick. Not the case at all. The aid was holding me up, my mother ran and got the basin, and I puked a good five times as I was held up. Again, let me restate, after that I have no shame left. Cause at that moment I also found out I started my period. Thank god I was on very good drugs.
I had almost the same feeling tonight. Felt like I got hit by a bus, head pounding, stomach hurting, and of coarse mother nature right on time to just make things extra special yet again. As I write this I have a slight smile on my lips and chuckle in my heart. If I can laugh at this and talk about these things, I’m not the same person I was 5 years ago. I’m not the same person I was 6 months ago.
Nobody had been with me on this path as long as I have been. My one friend, goddess bless Him, has told me how I act at times. Being totally honest with me and I thank Him for that honesty. Even He doesn’t see where I’ve come from and how far I have come. He helps me be aware of when I’m slipping backwards and tells me up from when I’m being a bitch. That’s what friends are for as well. Even though He can’t be as proud as I can be of me blooming into this new person, He can still help me be aware of my own patterns.
My dream from the night before haunted me on and off yesterday. It wasn’t as bad as some of my dreams can get, yes Stephen King would be oh so fucking proud of the shit I dream. It was just very unnerving. I can only remember three parts to the dream. But those three parts flashed through my mind and gave me goose bumps. Maybe I would’ve been better if I had dreamt about killers and being hunted. At least I get off in those dreams.
To a more enjoyable flashback of the evening. I go out to dungeons fairly frequently as well as well as events. I am lucky enough to met a wide verity of people. This is where I admit I am slightly a voyeur. When I first went to a dungeon my eyes almost fell out of their little sockets. That still happens when I go to new places. I am getting better at knowing where I want to look and refining myself so I don’t look ogling eyed.
Many different types of things I enjoy. One is watching a D/s couple play. There is something about watching the energy between two people who have a deep bond. I wish I could have the beautiful words to describe the beautiful mental images that comes to mind when I think of the couples I’ve seen at play. The play and protocols that some people have in their relationship amaze me. I find it totally beautiful even if it appears foreign to me.
There are all sorts of other types of play out there between different levels of relationships. At this moment I still have to say my favorite to watch is the one I mentioned above. I watched two friends play down in D.C. It was almost like a dance in a way, between the two of them you could see the connection. I seen a few other scenes that night that were okay, but not the same. I had a unsettling moment when someone I knew in the scene, but had never seen play before, started a "hot" scene.
That scene was lovely enough for most people, there was a crowd that came over to watch and I nearly got stepped on a few times from my spot. I looked to see what they were watching. I have the feeling that this was a case of an impressive person doing a scene with a “hot” chick. I liked most of what I saw but there were parts that just didn’t do anything for me. I was unhappy with myself, as a person who likes to watch, that I was not totally blown away by this "hot" scene that everyone else seemed to gather around. The part that I understand was myself being more turned on and excited by seeing my friends.
Maybe I had a connection with them. Maybe they were doing play I enjoy more. But I think it comes down to what I heard at the GRUE earlier in the day. GrayDancer read an email from someone, that was very well written about a topic that touched on what I saw. Using my own words to sum it up, there are people out there who go and put on a show for others. These people aren’t bad in my own opinion but it comes off with less of a feeling. The connection that two people have when the world “fades away”, that is something that not many people focus on as of late.
Watching my friends play, they gave the shadows back to me. Their play was pure, deep, and meaningful between them. There were no rules that they had to follow except their own. Nobody else mattered but their partner and they had their shadows as part of their play. That moves me to tears. I know what that feels like and it doesn’t matter if you’re the “hot rigger” with the “hot chick” to “look good”. The energy between two people, that’s what makes it hot for me when I watch.
A evening and night filled with flashbacks, smiles, laughs, hard moments, and mixed emotions. That sums up just about everyday really. But yesterday, it felt more intense or I was just very much more aware of it. The best way to end those days is with a good cuddle. Be it with my lover, my favorite pillow, or my loved blankey, a cuddle really does set the mind at ease.
~Raven~
Monday, September 6, 2010
One Year, Already?
Traveling has been one thing I have always lusted for in life. When I do travel it’s mainly to kink events and I get a wide verity of reactions from my mind. From excited and thrilled to scared and unnerved. Part of me enjoys going through these emotions and feelings. I know my Sir can tell when I’m feeling unnerved and freaking out. He gets to watch me go from a bundle of nerves to a relaxed, smiling kitty. I think he likes watching this transformation and usually is proud of me at the end of it.
I am proud of myself as well. A year ago I could not have even conceived I would be where I’m at now in life. I went to a much a little over a year ago, my first public event ever. I was more scared of that then of the people of my past that I’ve met from online never knowing them from a pile of beats before we met. I remember parts of going to the munch. Someone gave me a business card for their kink group. That shocked me. The hostess of the munch was great, all smiles and laughs. It was a mix of very welcoming people and very curious people.
As I think of it now, maybe this submissive should go make her own business card. It’d be fun to see people’s reactions, to see if they reacted how I did “way back when.” It would give me kicks anyway and help me remember my fetlife name.
I had so much fun at my first munch I really wanted to go back again. For some reason I couldn’t go the next month. If I had to guess I would guess it was my family but I made it a point to go the month after that despite my family. I felt even more awkward this time around. There was more people and new faces and I had not clue what to say or do. So I sat and ate. I heard a guy talking and handing out business card. I asked him some questions about the local dungeon. I was in awe that Pittsburgh even had a dungeon.
About half way through the evening I saw this guy. He looked cute in a lost puppy dog kind of way. I kept one eye on him while I listened to the people around me talking. A few times I wondered if he was looking at me. I smiled at him and eventually made my way over to where he was sitting. We talked for a bit and I was already in awe of him. He shocked me. He likes rope? Wow, I like rope. He’s not being creepy or crawly. We talked about horses and how his ex had horses.
It was at that lovely moment my mother and sister started tag teaming me with the phone calls. I finally broke down, embarrassed, and ran out of the place. The nice guy I talked to had given me a business card. Wouldn’t you know I lost that damn card and couldn’t remember his fetlife name. damnit.
Whatever happened to that guy? Well, we met again at a private play party, he tied me up twice, and swept me off my feet. Ever since I’ve been always lusting for the next time He ties me up among other fun activates Sir and I now do together. It’s been a beautiful path with a blossoming friendship between us. I didn’t see it coming.
When we started out we made an arrangement between each other. I still remember it clear in my mind. I was going to help Him, He was going to help me. I don’t think either one of us knew how much we would end up and still to this day help each other. Enough of the sappy, on to the good stuff. We love going to kink events. It’s an addiction He got me hooked on starting at WinterWickedness last year. For me it starts out as a challenge. How much can I improve myself and have fun.
Since then I’ve been to a handful events. Each one is different and teaches me something new about myself, the kink world, my Sir, and many other areas that I don’t expect to learn about at a kink convention. I started learning slowly and building a base for myself in my kink lifestyle.
Now I’m sitting here a year into my “public kink life” going, wow that shit was fun as hell. Let’s do it again!! I will do it again, as the summer ends and the fall steps in I feel life pulling me forward at a more rapid pace. I know my vanilla life and Sir’s vanilla life are not going to be easy this fall. But that doesn’t mean I can’t smile, enjoy the ride, and make the best out of what I am given.
I should start writing a list of things I want to do with myself. That should keep my mind busy for a while. Hopes everyone is having a good holiday weekend and enjoying cook outs. It’s a bit too cold here and I’m not very much into mainstream holiday “fun”.
~Raven~
I am proud of myself as well. A year ago I could not have even conceived I would be where I’m at now in life. I went to a much a little over a year ago, my first public event ever. I was more scared of that then of the people of my past that I’ve met from online never knowing them from a pile of beats before we met. I remember parts of going to the munch. Someone gave me a business card for their kink group. That shocked me. The hostess of the munch was great, all smiles and laughs. It was a mix of very welcoming people and very curious people.
As I think of it now, maybe this submissive should go make her own business card. It’d be fun to see people’s reactions, to see if they reacted how I did “way back when.” It would give me kicks anyway and help me remember my fetlife name.
I had so much fun at my first munch I really wanted to go back again. For some reason I couldn’t go the next month. If I had to guess I would guess it was my family but I made it a point to go the month after that despite my family. I felt even more awkward this time around. There was more people and new faces and I had not clue what to say or do. So I sat and ate. I heard a guy talking and handing out business card. I asked him some questions about the local dungeon. I was in awe that Pittsburgh even had a dungeon.
About half way through the evening I saw this guy. He looked cute in a lost puppy dog kind of way. I kept one eye on him while I listened to the people around me talking. A few times I wondered if he was looking at me. I smiled at him and eventually made my way over to where he was sitting. We talked for a bit and I was already in awe of him. He shocked me. He likes rope? Wow, I like rope. He’s not being creepy or crawly. We talked about horses and how his ex had horses.
It was at that lovely moment my mother and sister started tag teaming me with the phone calls. I finally broke down, embarrassed, and ran out of the place. The nice guy I talked to had given me a business card. Wouldn’t you know I lost that damn card and couldn’t remember his fetlife name. damnit.
Whatever happened to that guy? Well, we met again at a private play party, he tied me up twice, and swept me off my feet. Ever since I’ve been always lusting for the next time He ties me up among other fun activates Sir and I now do together. It’s been a beautiful path with a blossoming friendship between us. I didn’t see it coming.
When we started out we made an arrangement between each other. I still remember it clear in my mind. I was going to help Him, He was going to help me. I don’t think either one of us knew how much we would end up and still to this day help each other. Enough of the sappy, on to the good stuff. We love going to kink events. It’s an addiction He got me hooked on starting at WinterWickedness last year. For me it starts out as a challenge. How much can I improve myself and have fun.
Since then I’ve been to a handful events. Each one is different and teaches me something new about myself, the kink world, my Sir, and many other areas that I don’t expect to learn about at a kink convention. I started learning slowly and building a base for myself in my kink lifestyle.
Now I’m sitting here a year into my “public kink life” going, wow that shit was fun as hell. Let’s do it again!! I will do it again, as the summer ends and the fall steps in I feel life pulling me forward at a more rapid pace. I know my vanilla life and Sir’s vanilla life are not going to be easy this fall. But that doesn’t mean I can’t smile, enjoy the ride, and make the best out of what I am given.
I should start writing a list of things I want to do with myself. That should keep my mind busy for a while. Hopes everyone is having a good holiday weekend and enjoying cook outs. It’s a bit too cold here and I’m not very much into mainstream holiday “fun”.
~Raven~
Sunday, September 5, 2010
Blending Worlds
Today is a lovely day. I’m at school, where I usually keep to myself. It’s not that I don’t want to go and join the groups they have here. It’s just my life is so busy already and I tend to be anti-social in these settings. It takes a good bit to get me out of being anti-social some days.
I’ve come so far as a person and know I still need to go further. I feel proud of myself when I look back on my path. Even at the not so good points I’m still pushing forward and trying my hardest. Really, I don’t have a choice in the matter. Time moves forward, like it or not. At the moment I figure I really need to get on some things in my personal life, but one thing at a time.
One: My car needs fixed. It’s closer then it was before and I am hopeful that it’ll be fixed soon. My Sir gave me a heart attack this morning. He said my car never got the new stickers on it. I freaked out because I still don’t know what happens when I loose those stickers. I’m sure you can get replacements. But I have yet to loose a set. Granted I’ve only been doing this stuff for 4 years now, I’m sure I’ll run into this problem later. Better now when I have the great support of my Sir. To sum up One: my car did have it’s stickers on, Sir just was looking at the wrong car and my car is getting fixed soon.
At times we go through mental periods of “what the hell is this person doing with me?” Both of us do it, so I guess that makes me feel better I’m not the only one who does it. At times it gets me down because I am so bad with words. How can I tell this person I think they are a good person and I love them for who they are? I wish I could speak beautiful words expressing how much He means to me. It usually just comes out as “shut up, (hand over His mouth), I love You for You. You might not see it, but I do.” He does the same thing for me. I call those my wake up calls. That I am a good person, no matter how much I want to be a better person. He sees me as beautiful when I feel like a beached whale on the sofa. That thought makes me laugh, because the more I am with Him and my friends, the less I feel like that.
The other day we got to go out with our friend to the sushi bar. I got drunk and ended up drooling on myself a few times. At one point we went outside and her plants are doing lovely. I am so in awe at her gardening skills. When I finally remembered I needed to use the restroom, I crawled up the stairs. I am not sure how I got down the stairs. About half way down I got to see a small take down scene. Yes, I promised myself I would never do resistance or take down play again, but damn watching them made me excited. I know I can’t do that, but hell I could watch it all night long.
Sitting here writing this blog as I listening to two men talk about their math classes and teachers. I always did find that amusing about college. You can clearly get a lot of information about teachers, classes, and many other things. It’s like writing on the bathroom stalls here. That amuses me as well. There is this one stall in west hall, female bathroom. I started reading it about a year or so ago now. And every few weeks there’d be more added to it. But the part that made me smile was I always thought of myself as a “bigger girl”, but I liked the end stall the best even though it was a smaller stall. When I first started reading the writing it was about how fucking small this stall is, it’s stupid, ect. Then someone wrote that the “fat chick” stall is two over. That made me laugh only because I no longer by that skinny bitch’s definition am fat. I am still waiting to drop something in the toilet by accident.
That’s the thing about college and this campus. I have an easier time on observing people. I wish I could take this skill set and take it to the kink world. At this moment, I tend to second guess my reading someone and that bothers me. I know Sir is really good at it. He’s got a few years of practice on me thought. Can’t His skills just rub off on me while we’re fucking?
As I’m listening to them talk, I went back and looked at my previous blog post and it struck me that I was referring to mainly guys out there. When it comes to females, I think the basics are the same. By basics I mean have passion for something, be thoughtful, open, and so on down that list. As for females though, that’s a different beast. I find for the most part that the females I end up enjoying being around don’t go near the driving me nuts line as much as the men.
I think that is one reason why at times I just want to sit and relax with a female. Say something or just sitting there smoking listening to her talk. All sorts of things that are at times more enjoyable with a female. For me anyway. This doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy men just as much. There are times when I just want to be around the guys and chill. I haven’t dated a female in a long time now. Mainly, I think, because I miss my ex girlfriend so much. I enjoyed the times we had together, even though we were “long distance”. She lived about 5-6 hours away from me. I have this worry that I’ll be so focused on what I had, that I won’t be able to see what’s in front of me when it does show up.
I’m not actively out there seeking a female partner. This bleeds into my feelings about people who just have blinders on and don’t see everything that is happening around them. They think they know what they want and they want it now. No journey to get to that good place, no relaxing time. They just want someone to show up and hand them the relationship of their dreams. Hard work? Forget it. Tears and sad moments? Nope, they are jumping ship. And it goes on and on. I know this because I’ve went through it as well. Once I slowed down, enjoyed each day for what it had to offer, loved each person in my life for who they were, and relaxed about my “plans for the future” life got a lot better for me. That’s where I’m at and still looking to find more ways of walking down the path I am on currently.
It’s windy here at school today. I almost wonder if it’s going to rain or not; my hope is for the rain. As time goes on it gets easier to blend and balance my life. The observations made this afternoon will help down the road, be it in the kink world, college world, or any other world I wonder into in this life.
~Raven~
I’ve come so far as a person and know I still need to go further. I feel proud of myself when I look back on my path. Even at the not so good points I’m still pushing forward and trying my hardest. Really, I don’t have a choice in the matter. Time moves forward, like it or not. At the moment I figure I really need to get on some things in my personal life, but one thing at a time.
One: My car needs fixed. It’s closer then it was before and I am hopeful that it’ll be fixed soon. My Sir gave me a heart attack this morning. He said my car never got the new stickers on it. I freaked out because I still don’t know what happens when I loose those stickers. I’m sure you can get replacements. But I have yet to loose a set. Granted I’ve only been doing this stuff for 4 years now, I’m sure I’ll run into this problem later. Better now when I have the great support of my Sir. To sum up One: my car did have it’s stickers on, Sir just was looking at the wrong car and my car is getting fixed soon.
At times we go through mental periods of “what the hell is this person doing with me?” Both of us do it, so I guess that makes me feel better I’m not the only one who does it. At times it gets me down because I am so bad with words. How can I tell this person I think they are a good person and I love them for who they are? I wish I could speak beautiful words expressing how much He means to me. It usually just comes out as “shut up, (hand over His mouth), I love You for You. You might not see it, but I do.” He does the same thing for me. I call those my wake up calls. That I am a good person, no matter how much I want to be a better person. He sees me as beautiful when I feel like a beached whale on the sofa. That thought makes me laugh, because the more I am with Him and my friends, the less I feel like that.
The other day we got to go out with our friend to the sushi bar. I got drunk and ended up drooling on myself a few times. At one point we went outside and her plants are doing lovely. I am so in awe at her gardening skills. When I finally remembered I needed to use the restroom, I crawled up the stairs. I am not sure how I got down the stairs. About half way down I got to see a small take down scene. Yes, I promised myself I would never do resistance or take down play again, but damn watching them made me excited. I know I can’t do that, but hell I could watch it all night long.
Sitting here writing this blog as I listening to two men talk about their math classes and teachers. I always did find that amusing about college. You can clearly get a lot of information about teachers, classes, and many other things. It’s like writing on the bathroom stalls here. That amuses me as well. There is this one stall in west hall, female bathroom. I started reading it about a year or so ago now. And every few weeks there’d be more added to it. But the part that made me smile was I always thought of myself as a “bigger girl”, but I liked the end stall the best even though it was a smaller stall. When I first started reading the writing it was about how fucking small this stall is, it’s stupid, ect. Then someone wrote that the “fat chick” stall is two over. That made me laugh only because I no longer by that skinny bitch’s definition am fat. I am still waiting to drop something in the toilet by accident.
That’s the thing about college and this campus. I have an easier time on observing people. I wish I could take this skill set and take it to the kink world. At this moment, I tend to second guess my reading someone and that bothers me. I know Sir is really good at it. He’s got a few years of practice on me thought. Can’t His skills just rub off on me while we’re fucking?
As I’m listening to them talk, I went back and looked at my previous blog post and it struck me that I was referring to mainly guys out there. When it comes to females, I think the basics are the same. By basics I mean have passion for something, be thoughtful, open, and so on down that list. As for females though, that’s a different beast. I find for the most part that the females I end up enjoying being around don’t go near the driving me nuts line as much as the men.
I think that is one reason why at times I just want to sit and relax with a female. Say something or just sitting there smoking listening to her talk. All sorts of things that are at times more enjoyable with a female. For me anyway. This doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy men just as much. There are times when I just want to be around the guys and chill. I haven’t dated a female in a long time now. Mainly, I think, because I miss my ex girlfriend so much. I enjoyed the times we had together, even though we were “long distance”. She lived about 5-6 hours away from me. I have this worry that I’ll be so focused on what I had, that I won’t be able to see what’s in front of me when it does show up.
I’m not actively out there seeking a female partner. This bleeds into my feelings about people who just have blinders on and don’t see everything that is happening around them. They think they know what they want and they want it now. No journey to get to that good place, no relaxing time. They just want someone to show up and hand them the relationship of their dreams. Hard work? Forget it. Tears and sad moments? Nope, they are jumping ship. And it goes on and on. I know this because I’ve went through it as well. Once I slowed down, enjoyed each day for what it had to offer, loved each person in my life for who they were, and relaxed about my “plans for the future” life got a lot better for me. That’s where I’m at and still looking to find more ways of walking down the path I am on currently.
It’s windy here at school today. I almost wonder if it’s going to rain or not; my hope is for the rain. As time goes on it gets easier to blend and balance my life. The observations made this afternoon will help down the road, be it in the kink world, college world, or any other world I wonder into in this life.
~Raven~
Friday, September 3, 2010
Thoughtz
Sometimes, there are guys out there I think I like at first glance. Even at third and forth glances. I know I shouldn’t really expect everyone I meet to start a friendship with that it’ll work out for year and years to come. That’s not really realistic. But when it comes to some people, after the first period of “hey you’re someone new in my life“, they tend to go in a downward spiral. For many reasons, but mostly I’d say because they aren’t ready. There are many forms of ready and many forms of relationships.
I used to go around longing to be in a relationship like I seen and read about from various places. One day I finally looked at myself, my place I was at in life, and the light bulb over my head went off. Even if some how this perfect relationship landed in my lap, I’d still not be ready for it. At that point, things became slightly easier to be single until I came to a point where I was more ready for a relationship or more friendships.
I’ve come up with a few different things I find important. Be it with friends or relationships. I would label these things “things to know to date Raven, and survive.” But my Sir suggested just to call it “things to know in order to date Rave.” In any case, these things came about for different reasons. Mostly, just the number of people who have just been clueless. Clueless is the nicest word I can think of that describes most of them. I’m not so hard to deal with as a person, at least I think that way. So I will simply call this "what it takes to not drive me crazy."
No real order but I’ll start with communication. You have to be able to communicate with me and be able to put up with my communication skill level. I am always trying to improve that skill set, but until it’s any better then it is now, please be able to deal with what it is.
Be open with your thoughts and be able to listen to mine. It takes me forever to start to trust someone with my deeper thoughts. I’m always doubting if I make any sense or if I’m saying something wrong. I don’t really go around wanting to hurt people’s feelings. Honest, that’s just not my style or desire. But give me the time it takes to share with you my ideas, wants, and needs. I might need to explain it a few different ways, that doesn’t bother me. But don’t be a brick wall that doesn’t listen.
Be creative. If there is a problem, don’t ask me how to solve it for you. Ask to work through a problem with me. If I have a problem, don’t talk at me. Listen and help me figure things out on my own or with your help.
Walk beside me, not ahead or behind me. I don’t want to be with someone who is forever worshipping the ground I walk on or is forever demanding I worship the ground they walk on. I will worship, love and adore you for the person you are in my own humble ways. That doesn’t mean I think I am less of a person or more of a person then you are. I don’t want to walk this world alone with nobody in site.
Have your own life, dreams, goals, passions. Do not let me push you around or demand you give something up for me. A relationship is about compromise. I will bend and bend and bend if I have that urge. And maybe sometimes you’ll have to bend and bend and bend. But that doesn’t mean we won’t snap back to where we were. We have our lives, dreams, goals, and passions. Sure we can share some together. That doesn’t mean we have to share everything.
When I want alone time, when I want time with a female, when I want time with a male, ect, Let me have it. There are times when I don’t want anything to do with anyone. Be it for 10 minutes or 10 days. Just let me collect myself. Balance myself. Find what the hell I am looking for during those periods. Know I am not intentally ignoring you, I am searching for something, most likely inside of me, and I either don’t need or you can’t help me. There are some things that you cannot provide me. Accept this but don’t think it means I don’t need you in my life.
Be able to laugh, at the world, at yourself, at me. Just be able to let that joy of laughing out whenever you see fit. Like others have said in different referances and styles: what happens at that time is what’s meant to happen. We cannot plan every moment, we can go with the flow, laugh and live in the moment.
Know that I don’t live for tomorrow and what might happen. I do that to an extent, but I learned from my past. I planned and worried about things and I forgot to live in the moment. To enjoy the time I spent with the people I loved in the past. I was so worried about what our relationships might be that I lost them totally. I live each day as it is, and I don’t worry about what my relationships might turn into. Sure pruning and keeping an eye on things is important. But living for what might be in 10 years from now seems foolish to me.
It’s the journey that matters to me.
This is more then enough for right now. I’m sure as time goes on I’ll be able to clean it up and add/subtract from it as I see fit.
~Raven~
I used to go around longing to be in a relationship like I seen and read about from various places. One day I finally looked at myself, my place I was at in life, and the light bulb over my head went off. Even if some how this perfect relationship landed in my lap, I’d still not be ready for it. At that point, things became slightly easier to be single until I came to a point where I was more ready for a relationship or more friendships.
I’ve come up with a few different things I find important. Be it with friends or relationships. I would label these things “things to know to date Raven, and survive.” But my Sir suggested just to call it “things to know in order to date Rave.” In any case, these things came about for different reasons. Mostly, just the number of people who have just been clueless. Clueless is the nicest word I can think of that describes most of them. I’m not so hard to deal with as a person, at least I think that way. So I will simply call this "what it takes to not drive me crazy."
No real order but I’ll start with communication. You have to be able to communicate with me and be able to put up with my communication skill level. I am always trying to improve that skill set, but until it’s any better then it is now, please be able to deal with what it is.
Be open with your thoughts and be able to listen to mine. It takes me forever to start to trust someone with my deeper thoughts. I’m always doubting if I make any sense or if I’m saying something wrong. I don’t really go around wanting to hurt people’s feelings. Honest, that’s just not my style or desire. But give me the time it takes to share with you my ideas, wants, and needs. I might need to explain it a few different ways, that doesn’t bother me. But don’t be a brick wall that doesn’t listen.
Be creative. If there is a problem, don’t ask me how to solve it for you. Ask to work through a problem with me. If I have a problem, don’t talk at me. Listen and help me figure things out on my own or with your help.
Walk beside me, not ahead or behind me. I don’t want to be with someone who is forever worshipping the ground I walk on or is forever demanding I worship the ground they walk on. I will worship, love and adore you for the person you are in my own humble ways. That doesn’t mean I think I am less of a person or more of a person then you are. I don’t want to walk this world alone with nobody in site.
Have your own life, dreams, goals, passions. Do not let me push you around or demand you give something up for me. A relationship is about compromise. I will bend and bend and bend if I have that urge. And maybe sometimes you’ll have to bend and bend and bend. But that doesn’t mean we won’t snap back to where we were. We have our lives, dreams, goals, and passions. Sure we can share some together. That doesn’t mean we have to share everything.
When I want alone time, when I want time with a female, when I want time with a male, ect, Let me have it. There are times when I don’t want anything to do with anyone. Be it for 10 minutes or 10 days. Just let me collect myself. Balance myself. Find what the hell I am looking for during those periods. Know I am not intentally ignoring you, I am searching for something, most likely inside of me, and I either don’t need or you can’t help me. There are some things that you cannot provide me. Accept this but don’t think it means I don’t need you in my life.
Be able to laugh, at the world, at yourself, at me. Just be able to let that joy of laughing out whenever you see fit. Like others have said in different referances and styles: what happens at that time is what’s meant to happen. We cannot plan every moment, we can go with the flow, laugh and live in the moment.
Know that I don’t live for tomorrow and what might happen. I do that to an extent, but I learned from my past. I planned and worried about things and I forgot to live in the moment. To enjoy the time I spent with the people I loved in the past. I was so worried about what our relationships might be that I lost them totally. I live each day as it is, and I don’t worry about what my relationships might turn into. Sure pruning and keeping an eye on things is important. But living for what might be in 10 years from now seems foolish to me.
It’s the journey that matters to me.
This is more then enough for right now. I’m sure as time goes on I’ll be able to clean it up and add/subtract from it as I see fit.
~Raven~
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