I have this urge to talk about kitty play and myself. I never had anyone to share this part of me until recently. It was my limited understanding of the kink world that took me so long to find kitty play. As well as my want to keep my life in neat little boxes. I am a pagan, I can’t insult others or it was too taboo to mix pagan with any other area of my life. I thought the boxes would keep my life balanced. I have to be well centered and balanced in order to move forward. My foolish thought was being balanced all the time was the goal. It’s not, being as balanced as one can be and rolling with the flow of life is one of my goals, and I believe it’s one of the less foolish goals. A few months ago I thought to maybe it’d be okay to mix my faith/religion/whatever you want to call it and my kinky life. I was shocked at how many pagans were into the lifestyle and the groups that I found on fetlife. I have yet to take steps to doing that more then here and there things. I’m reading more books on kink and pagans, looking at and for more websites. I’ve become more comfortable with the idea of mixing areas of my life.
I love rope, I believe I sang that from the mountain tops at one point. I know the rope community is vast and I have not even started to tap into it or spread my wings into the community. I’m a bit too awkward for that at this moment. But I never knew that kitty play existed, and then I never knew that it’d be OK to be into both kitty play and rope. I went to the kitty play party at Shibaricon and had a blast. I went deeper into kitty space then I ever had before on my own. I didn’t feel awkward or out of place. I felt so good and warm and fuzzy. I am learning that it’s okay to drop my walls, to mix and match to what feels right to me. I totally enjoy kitty play with my rope and other areas of life I enjoy. I wonder if what I’m doing is taboo, part of me thinks it’s not but at the same time everything I do can be considered taboo from someone else’s point of view.
More about kitty play. This morning, I woke up and did a few little things and then went back to bed. Woke up a few hours later and Sir greeted me with a hug. He had said I went back to bed, He checked on me twice. Part of me knew He checked on me, when I woke up at one point I saw the bedroom door closed. I know that means He’s been there, looked at me sleeping and closed the door to keep the sound of typing out of the bedroom. Okay so that is something that makes my heart melt, to have Him and my friends check on me every once and a while. Not because it’s a hassle but because they care about me. So I smiled and kissed Him, enjoyed Him holding me for a few moments. Then I got some food and did some more mundane things that you do while waking up. He came over after a while and rubbed my back, touched me and I instantly clicked into kitty space. My kitty side was purring and so damn happy to get this moment of lovely pettings and attentions. I meows, purred and rubbed my paws against His lovely skin. It was a purrrrrrrfect moment.
I’m learning that I am kitty more often and it’s enjoyable for me to let go and open up that part of me. As well as since I can’t have a whole big kinky amazing scene at this moment due to medical issues, I am so enjoying these little scenes. Hopefully this lesson will stick with me and I will be able to not be so apprehensive about going into a scene. I know my outlook for the last few months has been this big grand idea of rope and lovely scenes and I’ve always backed away from doing them on days when I was tired or just didn’t think I could finish a scene. Now I enjoy short little “scenes” and know that it’s not how long a scene is that makes it a lovely, amazing.
~Raven~
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Know thy Audience
With so much on my mind I attempt to start writing this blog post today. Usually I like to have a theme or idea in mind when I write, but even then I tend to be so elusive as to the thoughts. My attempts from now on will be to complete a thought before I move on to the next one or end a post. The next goal will be to be able to share those thoughts in a reasonable length of reading material. It is made rather hard these days because of this set up. This thing that allows us to share thoughts and ideas with thousands across the world also limits us at the same time. It’s lovely that they have came up with more ways to give us ways to break through those limitations. I have tried in the past to set up and explain things before I start talking about what I wanted to talk about so that I would cut down on the chances I’d offend someone or someone would take what I was saying out of context. Well, hello, no matter what I did or how explained it someone is going to take out of context what I am saying.
By the time I get done explaining I don’t feel like talking about my theories, my thoughts, what I wanted to write. It’s a buzz kill really. To worry so much about being taken out of context. I wrote a short two part piece the other week. Just to have a chance to spread my wings and express what I’m thinking and what not. It was a rather lovely piece of writing. Not complete but a good start and well thought out. But the people who read it did not read what was there or comment about what was there. Instead they read parts of what was there and put their own feelings and thoughts towards what they thought I was saying. Instead of reading what I was saying for what it was: my point of view on one subject. It went as far as some telling me I shouldn’t share my point of view because it will hurt the kink community.
It gets me thinking about different questions. Should I change my opinions and thoughts to protect the community I’m part of? Why? Am I not part of the community and shouldn’t I enjoy thinking for myself? Are my ideas as valid as everyone else’s in the community?
Great, I had a lovely ending to my Blog post and my computer just crapped out on me. I want to beat my head off the coffee table. I want to hurry up and enjoy a short walk while I enjoy this feeling of relief. I did come to a unblock age of something that has been bothering me. What it comes down to is I do take the time to consider who is going to be my audience. When people who are in my target audience take what I am saying so far out of context it bothers to an extent. I spent the time to consider what I wanted to say and who I wanted to say it to, they discount that and answer from a view that is not even at their own education level. My friend summed it up best:
“You weren’t writing for the ‘nilla crowd, you were a scene person talking to scene people and what you wrote should have been accepted in that context.”~Kuve~
Have a lovely day, I’m going out for a short walk and enjoy some fresh air.
~Raven~
By the time I get done explaining I don’t feel like talking about my theories, my thoughts, what I wanted to write. It’s a buzz kill really. To worry so much about being taken out of context. I wrote a short two part piece the other week. Just to have a chance to spread my wings and express what I’m thinking and what not. It was a rather lovely piece of writing. Not complete but a good start and well thought out. But the people who read it did not read what was there or comment about what was there. Instead they read parts of what was there and put their own feelings and thoughts towards what they thought I was saying. Instead of reading what I was saying for what it was: my point of view on one subject. It went as far as some telling me I shouldn’t share my point of view because it will hurt the kink community.
It gets me thinking about different questions. Should I change my opinions and thoughts to protect the community I’m part of? Why? Am I not part of the community and shouldn’t I enjoy thinking for myself? Are my ideas as valid as everyone else’s in the community?
Great, I had a lovely ending to my Blog post and my computer just crapped out on me. I want to beat my head off the coffee table. I want to hurry up and enjoy a short walk while I enjoy this feeling of relief. I did come to a unblock age of something that has been bothering me. What it comes down to is I do take the time to consider who is going to be my audience. When people who are in my target audience take what I am saying so far out of context it bothers to an extent. I spent the time to consider what I wanted to say and who I wanted to say it to, they discount that and answer from a view that is not even at their own education level. My friend summed it up best:
“You weren’t writing for the ‘nilla crowd, you were a scene person talking to scene people and what you wrote should have been accepted in that context.”~Kuve~
Have a lovely day, I’m going out for a short walk and enjoy some fresh air.
~Raven~
Monday, June 21, 2010
In the middle of the storm
I've been reading a book by Lee Harrington for a few weeks now on and off. Making some notes and looking at myself closely. There are so many things I'd like to cover but being in the middle of something is often not the best time to start this type of undertaking. But I wanted to take a minute, while I'm laying here naked and thinking, to tell about some important lessons I'm in the process of learning, as well as talk about parts of why I'm not a social butterfly at this moment.
Harrington talks about the "ordeal" path in his book. This path called to me to learn and think about it more. To challenge myself because I've become rather stuck in a mental rut that I needed out of. One thing mentioned in this area is that sometimes Ordeals aren't our choice, they are put on us by life's happenings. I have to admit I was happy with the idea of pushing myself when I was ready, I didn't have a clue what was to come or that my body was going to put me through an ordeal of it's own. When I think back to the first part of what's happened to me, I handled it not as gracefully as I picture most people handling their body shutting down. I think a lot of the time I was either screaming crying out for help (that nobody could provide at that time) or I was inwardly asking the goddess for help.
I didn't once ask "why me?" like so many my do when bad things happen. Partly because I expect them to happen, they are a part of life just like the good times and happy things. But also I just haven't bothered to ask that question because when I was younger I asked myself: If it's not me going through this hell, it'd be someone else, so why not me? That was and mostly has been my logic for getting through painful and bad times.
Part of me wishes that my ordeal is over, it's been over a week now with no end in site, but I have to take it one hour at a time now. It will be over when it is meant to be over. I will either be better and walking round with a huge smile on my face like I was Friday night, or there will be other out comes that I haven't thought of yet. Not that I'm this positive happy go lucky bitch, no;far from it. But I choose to attempt to be that happy go lucky ungraceful bitch.
With out my friends, I wouldn't have made it this far. I started this blog off to talk about my relationships and the one with my BF, well He's a great guy who kept me sane when my body turned me insane. I'm sure that cost Him a bit of His sanity as well. We have conversations from time to time that are about off topics. One being that He's in a different age group then me, and He says that He's more likely to end up in the hospital and I'm more likely to end up dying quickly in an accident. That's the only reason I know I'm not dying right now. Because young people usually die quickly in accidents and I'm in too much pain and it's been too long to consider this dying quickly. I know, the logic in that is pretty weak, but It makes sense to me.
I went to bed Saturday morning for a few hours. I woke up not hungry at all. so I didn't eat all day and didn't think of it. I joked about it in a chat room I was in at that time, and they told me to go eat cause it's not good to starve yourself. I ate one of those TV healthy choice dinners. It hit my stomach wrong, I ate it slowly and nibbles but it still hurt. That was the start of my 6 days. That evening I went out and got dinner for both of us, I had the same feeling while eating that food as well. The next morning I didn't eat, and I can't recall eating much of anything till the next day. I made fish for lunch cause I have a thing for fish at this moment. Then I called the doctors cause the discomfort I had felt for 2 days was turning into pain. Went in and they ordered me tests. Every day from Monday till Friday I was in the doctor's office or in the testing center. That fish lunch was the last thing I ate that week. By Wednesday I stopped drinking as well. Apparently when you tell the doctors you are having pain in your stomach they take that as nausea and heart burn. Even when you tell them it feels like there is a knife cutting up your stomach from the inside out, it's the same medications they give you.
I'd like to say I learned a shit load of lessons in that week, and I did learn one or two. But I think the important part is to not only learn those lessons but use them. I finally did get to eat Friday night after I went into the ER. I had a hot nurse that I so wanted to tie up and a Hot doctor that I so wanted to tie to the nurse. Oh the scenes that were running through my head that night. And we all know that nurses are kinky so I had half a chance with the nurse. (laughs a bit a that thought).
I've lost some of my sanity, I'm still living one hour at a time (the only difference now is I've got better pain management going on right now), and I'm still smiling for those around me. I found out that when I smile I look pretty cute, and it takes down the pain a little bit each time I smile and hug those around me. I look like a human pin cushion or junkie, I'm sure more needles will be meeting my skin this week and I'll hopefully handle them better then I did last week.
When this is done I'm sure I'll come back here, read this post, and figure out what I need to do to grow and learn from this ordeal I'm going through.
Stay safe everyone. . .and don't forget to smile.
~Raven~
Harrington talks about the "ordeal" path in his book. This path called to me to learn and think about it more. To challenge myself because I've become rather stuck in a mental rut that I needed out of. One thing mentioned in this area is that sometimes Ordeals aren't our choice, they are put on us by life's happenings. I have to admit I was happy with the idea of pushing myself when I was ready, I didn't have a clue what was to come or that my body was going to put me through an ordeal of it's own. When I think back to the first part of what's happened to me, I handled it not as gracefully as I picture most people handling their body shutting down. I think a lot of the time I was either screaming crying out for help (that nobody could provide at that time) or I was inwardly asking the goddess for help.
I didn't once ask "why me?" like so many my do when bad things happen. Partly because I expect them to happen, they are a part of life just like the good times and happy things. But also I just haven't bothered to ask that question because when I was younger I asked myself: If it's not me going through this hell, it'd be someone else, so why not me? That was and mostly has been my logic for getting through painful and bad times.
Part of me wishes that my ordeal is over, it's been over a week now with no end in site, but I have to take it one hour at a time now. It will be over when it is meant to be over. I will either be better and walking round with a huge smile on my face like I was Friday night, or there will be other out comes that I haven't thought of yet. Not that I'm this positive happy go lucky bitch, no;far from it. But I choose to attempt to be that happy go lucky ungraceful bitch.
With out my friends, I wouldn't have made it this far. I started this blog off to talk about my relationships and the one with my BF, well He's a great guy who kept me sane when my body turned me insane. I'm sure that cost Him a bit of His sanity as well. We have conversations from time to time that are about off topics. One being that He's in a different age group then me, and He says that He's more likely to end up in the hospital and I'm more likely to end up dying quickly in an accident. That's the only reason I know I'm not dying right now. Because young people usually die quickly in accidents and I'm in too much pain and it's been too long to consider this dying quickly. I know, the logic in that is pretty weak, but It makes sense to me.
I went to bed Saturday morning for a few hours. I woke up not hungry at all. so I didn't eat all day and didn't think of it. I joked about it in a chat room I was in at that time, and they told me to go eat cause it's not good to starve yourself. I ate one of those TV healthy choice dinners. It hit my stomach wrong, I ate it slowly and nibbles but it still hurt. That was the start of my 6 days. That evening I went out and got dinner for both of us, I had the same feeling while eating that food as well. The next morning I didn't eat, and I can't recall eating much of anything till the next day. I made fish for lunch cause I have a thing for fish at this moment. Then I called the doctors cause the discomfort I had felt for 2 days was turning into pain. Went in and they ordered me tests. Every day from Monday till Friday I was in the doctor's office or in the testing center. That fish lunch was the last thing I ate that week. By Wednesday I stopped drinking as well. Apparently when you tell the doctors you are having pain in your stomach they take that as nausea and heart burn. Even when you tell them it feels like there is a knife cutting up your stomach from the inside out, it's the same medications they give you.
I'd like to say I learned a shit load of lessons in that week, and I did learn one or two. But I think the important part is to not only learn those lessons but use them. I finally did get to eat Friday night after I went into the ER. I had a hot nurse that I so wanted to tie up and a Hot doctor that I so wanted to tie to the nurse. Oh the scenes that were running through my head that night. And we all know that nurses are kinky so I had half a chance with the nurse. (laughs a bit a that thought).
I've lost some of my sanity, I'm still living one hour at a time (the only difference now is I've got better pain management going on right now), and I'm still smiling for those around me. I found out that when I smile I look pretty cute, and it takes down the pain a little bit each time I smile and hug those around me. I look like a human pin cushion or junkie, I'm sure more needles will be meeting my skin this week and I'll hopefully handle them better then I did last week.
When this is done I'm sure I'll come back here, read this post, and figure out what I need to do to grow and learn from this ordeal I'm going through.
Stay safe everyone. . .and don't forget to smile.
~Raven~
Friday, June 4, 2010
There is no try.
I have to remember what I know. Two days ago that was impossible with the state I was in. Today I'm feeling selfish and lonely. A mix that I'm sure not too many people are comfortable residing in. I'm also feeling jealous creep in with those other two feelings. And it's not in a normal form for me.
I want people to know I'm with my Sir, and at the same time I am happy it being between us. So it's hard to deal with people assuming that His play partners are His girl. I want to scream: "No, it's me!! I'm with Him, He loves me." But that doesn't solve anything but making me look childish. Part of me hopes He'll correct people and say that His girl is at home cause she has to work. Why? This weekend is going to be hard enough, but now I get to suffer through work that will drag on for longer. Why? because there is nothing for me to go home to because I'm alone. Nobody to hang out with. . .nobody that I feel like hanging out with. That's me being picky.
I should just go grow more friends and just deal with things. It is what it is. Maybe my jealous comes from the fear of being forgotten. I can't think about that right now because it's not going to help my cause. My cause is figuring out how to get on with my life and not focus on the fact I'm alone.
So I write. But it's not making me feel better. I know there will be days that I won't have anyone around and I should be okay with that. When it's my choice to be alone it's one thing, when it's not my choice I wig out. I should look at this as a challenge.
I some how thing that I'm not going to rise or do this with grace. I wish I could. I wish I could go and be this great person like the people I'm reading are then I really am. I'm awkward and funny. I rise to some challenges and crumbles at others. I wish I was more consistent.
So I've written all this to come to the conclusion that I do not have a clue how to deal with these feelings but I'm willing to learn. I wanted to say 'try', but there is no try, I either learn or don't learn. Next step would be the remembering or not remembering. Okay that got a laugh out of me.
~Raven~
I want people to know I'm with my Sir, and at the same time I am happy it being between us. So it's hard to deal with people assuming that His play partners are His girl. I want to scream: "No, it's me!! I'm with Him, He loves me." But that doesn't solve anything but making me look childish. Part of me hopes He'll correct people and say that His girl is at home cause she has to work. Why? This weekend is going to be hard enough, but now I get to suffer through work that will drag on for longer. Why? because there is nothing for me to go home to because I'm alone. Nobody to hang out with. . .nobody that I feel like hanging out with. That's me being picky.
I should just go grow more friends and just deal with things. It is what it is. Maybe my jealous comes from the fear of being forgotten. I can't think about that right now because it's not going to help my cause. My cause is figuring out how to get on with my life and not focus on the fact I'm alone.
So I write. But it's not making me feel better. I know there will be days that I won't have anyone around and I should be okay with that. When it's my choice to be alone it's one thing, when it's not my choice I wig out. I should look at this as a challenge.
I some how thing that I'm not going to rise or do this with grace. I wish I could. I wish I could go and be this great person like the people I'm reading are then I really am. I'm awkward and funny. I rise to some challenges and crumbles at others. I wish I was more consistent.
So I've written all this to come to the conclusion that I do not have a clue how to deal with these feelings but I'm willing to learn. I wanted to say 'try', but there is no try, I either learn or don't learn. Next step would be the remembering or not remembering. Okay that got a laugh out of me.
~Raven~
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