Connection(s)

Good conversation is something I think I might be addicted to in that I totally enjoy when it is happening around me. Sometimes I have the urge to join in, other times I am totally content listening to it flow around me. At times I am shocked when I grow a set and toss an idea out there for the world to hear and talk about. It is part of my shy nature and unsure self to feel nervous about that act but doing it more often help build a bridge over the valleys.


Last night we had a lovely P.U.R.R.S. gathering at a pool hall. With life happening we haven’t been able to just hang out with our group, so it was nice to have a relaxing, fun evening. We talked about a good verity of topics from what do you like to be called as a Domme to what events we were looking forward to in the upcoming months.


Being new to topping/Domme, I find myself stumbling around attempting to figure out what I enjoy and what gives me my top cookie. I cannot figure out what as a Domme I want be called. Call me ma’am and I’m wanting to shove my foot so far up their asses to make sure they never call me that again. Miss or Mistress just doesn’t sit well with me either for some reason. In writing I can stand being called Lady, but I heard it once; maybe it was the way the person said it, but I still didn’t really enjoy it like I thought I would. What’s in a name, anyway? I’m thinking my next attempt will be “Miss Top Bitch.” That does give me a slight buzz thinking about.
I can recall many times in public kink events and munches where my face has gone blank when asked “well, what kinks are you into?” I’ve been trying on and off for a while now to figure out what is an acceptable answer to that question. While at the dungeon I fell into a conversation about this topic between two lovely peoples. The lady of the conversation went and said exactly what I was searching for, an answer that makes sense. To the gentleman she said, “when you asked me about what I enjoy kink wise, it’s hard because it is not what someone is doing to me, it’s the connection we have together.”


That is the reason I play, the connection and the “dance” as I like to think of it. I love floggers, but not as much as I enjoy and love the connection they give with the person that is using them.

Folsom Street Fair.

Asking for advice of those who have gone before to different events is one of my rules of thumb. Hey, Sir, what’s floating world like? What should I pack? And so on down the list of my standard questions. This event, both of us had never been to, so ask people around us at the fringe. Great advice was given and I was still feeling like I was in over my head. “I’m in over my head, over my head.”

Things I had heard were just be prepared cause there will be masses of people, keep hydrated and cool, and take a break at some point. The best break point is when the street fair is at its highest population. We got advice about the bus schedule and other good bits. The thing about Sir and I is we tend to like to drive ourselves to things. For Sir it’s about control, for me it’s about being comfortable and able to relax/not have a panic attack. When I have to worry about missing a bus at X time, that’s all I think about until that time comes. I think I can thank my OCD dad on that one, his rule is if we aren’t 15 minutes early then we’re late. On this side trip, I will say for the longest time if I was late for something I wouldn’t show up at all. I’m a bit better about that now, but I still have that concept grinded into my head.

The first time for anything is hard enough, even with the good advice we had on hand. I totally enjoyed driving up and being able to put my make up on and finish getting dressed (yes another habit of mine). Make up and me are really good friends at this point and it’s one thing I have found that relaxes me. Yes, I am a high strung person under stress or new situations. Ask Sir about Shibaricon and the last hour of drive to Chicago, yeah that’s if He isn’t blocking that memory out. But I was pretty cool traveling up to the street fair. I wanted to be kitty so I really went for it makeup wise and outfit. Kitty tail with butt plug I think was my favorite. My face had lovely purple and pink tiger stripes with Glitter! The Herpes of the crafting world (insert credit to Gray Dancer here. He was the first person I heard use that lovely phrase). My black boots were so yummie with tights and short skirt.

I am really a chicken shit when it comes to heels. I totally love them, but I cannot wear them for very long periods of times, let alone walking long distances in them. Well, I had to prove to myself I was a bad ass and wear my favorite boots for as long as possible. My previous record was about an hour, but that was sitting having smokes. At the fair I went an hour and a half walking the whole time and looking like a cute kitty. Sure I was sweating my ass off and my makeup was gone by the end of the day. . .but I did have a great smile pasted on my face.

The item that put the biggest smile on my face was the sounding kit. (I hope I said that right, I did take photo of it). Having never ever seen one before in my whole sheltered life, but as soon as I saw it sitting there on the table I knew what it was and my face lit up like a Halloween pumpkin or chez from alice in wonderland thinking of the pot he was gonna partake in with the hatter. I grabbed Sir’s arm and pointed almost jumping up and down, “ Oh pleaseeeeeeeee pleaseeeeeeeeeee pleaseeeeeeeeeeeee Sir!!! Lookie!!” He didn’t know what it was at first cause He was in the middle of checking something else out at that moment. I kept smiling my wicked smile and at that point He knew what that smile was from, grabbed His crotch and ran the other way. I still want that kit.

At some point the boots had to come off. For some reason I was waiting for Sir and sitting down in the sun. The heat of the boots got to the point of making me whimper and peel them off my skin. Lovely marks up my legs, though. I also had received two lovely blisters and I don’t think I have ever been so damn proud of blisters before. They were my badge of honor.

We stopped at wicked grounds at some point and it again was oh so lovely. I really wish we could have something that totally wicked, relaxing, and kinky in our area . . . but I guess that gives me one more reason to visit the west coast more often.
So much happened that day it is a mix of “oh look at that” and “oh I want that!” I can’t wait to go back and get the chance to do and see more of the street fair. It’s something I recommend to attend at least once.

~Raven~

Folsom Fringe

I had the pleasure of traveling across the country to go to a few lovely events on the west coast. My first thought that comes to mind about the trip and events is that people on the west coast sure know how to party and have a good time. It was really refreshing to go to these events. The area was beautiful, the people were friendly, and the hotel was interesting.

I’ve been to California when I was younger with my parents, southern area. I went to California this time with that memory in mind and I should’ve known better. The flight over was hellish to say the least. I was not prepared and didn’t believe my travel partner. He doesn’t like to fly and now I know why. My legs were on fire, my head throbbed, and my stomach was kicking my ass. Sleeping was out of the question and I think 3 hours into the second flight I wanted to jump out of the plane to get away from how shitty my body felt. Once we got on the ground, I’m pretty sure I kissed the ground a few times and had one really long smoke. I told Sir, “I don’t know how You are getting me home to Pittsburgh, cause I refuse to ever get on a plane again.”

The hotel was cute and gave me more than one laugh. The name, “the domain” just cracked me up, who would name a hotel that? The restaurant was named bytes and that drove Sir nuts. Which I will admit just made me laugh a bit harder. The hotel rooms were really nice and we had a balcony, my first one ever! There was some phrase painted on the wall above the beds and there were all sorts of computer references. For someone who doesn’t work in a computer field it’s cute, for someone who does it’s a bit overboard. But props to the hotel for running with a theme.

On the day we arrived, since most of the time we arrive a day early, we ran into fellow kinky peps. I had known they were kinky not from their clothing or any other general kinky flags but from I had met them at Floating world. They are vendors and have wonderful whips and other impact toys. Sir and I have two of their whips and I’m still attempting to learn and use in my play. They drove from the southeast and I was really ready to hitch a ride back with them so that I wouldn’t have to get on a plane again.

We met other lovely people from the west coast. They are fun and relaxed. I totally understand and to an extent support the cell phone rule that is rather common at most events that I attend. You don’t really need to be using your phone all the time and it makes people nervous with the camera phones (and what phone doesn’t have one?).

I’m a supporter of vibration mode (for more than one reason) and if it’s out of site it’s out of mind. People talking on the phone in hall ways, outside in smoking and nonsmoking areas and bathrooms doesn’t bother me at all as long as they are not interrupting someone else’s activity/class/scene/ and so on. At this event people were pretty much like that as well. Nobody freaked out over seeing a cell phone, except me because I’m not used to that relaxed set of rules. I can’t think of any class or scene I attended that was affected in a negative way due to cell phones. People were respectful and pleasant about their use of cell phones.

The presenters really impressed me and I learned a ton of new things. This event is where my mind set went from: “I’m never going to do needle play” to “hey, I want to try it and see if I might like it.” The basic needle play class was great as was solo poly, with Allena. The class was wonderful, not only was the presenter great but the people attending the class were also great and gave wonderfully new points of view.

The play party had an interesting vibe going on, I was unsure of myself going into it. People had their scenes going on and I had a hard time seeing hard points for suspensions and partial suspensions. There were two points in the corner that would work okay. They were wood frame type deal with “ladders” on either side for impact and other plays but not so hot for what I wanted to do. There were two lovely scenes going on them after we started our scene that caught my eye and I watched for a few moments at a time. Between those two wooden frames was a suspension frame that I had second thoughts on. I can’t remember why I had second thoughts on it for and I didn’t mention it to Sir. He started to tie me and it was bumpy for a bit. I enjoyed it but both of us had a touch of frustration going on for different reasons. Once I went up once or twice in His ropes, I came down and started adjusting ropes without thinking.

That’s just how I am at this point, why wait for someone to fix a problem when I can fix it myself? Well, giving someone a chance to get their kicks, figure out something for themselves and other reasons I hadn’t thought of at the time would be a good reason NOT to do what I did. I find that when I make a mistake finding out about them used to be easy, but fixing them was hard and took time. The time it takes to build up a relationship to where it was after a negative event happens is really rather long in my own opinion. Part of me doubts that the person I’m in a relationship with will be willing to put the time and work into fixing it, maybe I’m not worth it in their views? I hope that I am, but I know to some I might not be and I have to be willing to accept that at some point.

I learned weeks after Folsom that I had made a mistake that night, and I’ve been attempting to now fix it and learn from it. Even though I have a sense of gosh I fucking messed up again! After the scene that night I crashed hard and fast for the first time ever. Usually I’ll have a few moments after a scene where I’m okay and hoping around being my playful self. This time I walked outside, sat down, and crashed. Sir saw that and gathered everything up and we hauled ass back to the hotel where I passed out on the bed.

One night we went up to the Citadel in San Francisco and I was crossing my fingers for the best, never being there before. The one thing I didn’t consider is what my “goals” were and if I did have goals, were they reasonable. The one or two goals I did have were not reasonable. I enjoyed the space and how many lovely dressed kinky people could be fit into the space. I knew I couldn’t play because of the mindset I was in that night, but I really wanted to play. The few hard points were in use nonstop, and I don’t blame them, they were fucking HOTTT hard points with fucking HOTTT chicks tie from them. The feel I got from the place was more high protocol then relaxed. I enjoy high protocol to my limited knowledge of it. It was rather refreshing to get that feeling that I had yet to get before at a club.

AND then there was the street fair . . .

~Raven~

Random Access Memory

Last night was a night filled with flash backs. From the dreams I’ve been having lately, the surgery I had last month, to the scenes I’ve watched. It’s been one roller coaster of feelings and thoughts. This afternoon I was really rather upset over something that I had no control over. On top of that life isn’t fair so there really is no use in getting so upset over that fact. Maybe it has to do with how we feel about our loved ones that makes us more upset over the fact life isn’t fair. I can take a good bit of shit in my life, sure I don’t always handle it with style and grace. But I do handle it.

When I was in my teens I stopped asking “why me?” when bad things happened. I started looking at it as, well if it wasn’t me then it’d be someone else. Maybe that person wouldn’t be able to handle it. That out look grew. Now I’d rather it be me getting the shit happening to then my friends. I can cry, I have a shoulder to lean on and ask for help from. I have more then one shoulder. These things help me and when I’m so far down I can’t even look up I’m reminded that “if it wasn’t me, it’d be someone else.” I know people have seen me at very bad moments. I’ve snapped at people when I was sick.

It got to a point this summer where people who knew me casually couldn’t even talk to me. There was really only one person that could talk to me and I’d listen to them. But my casual friends still attempted to help me, to which I thank them for trying. The point where I was almost truly defeated was the loneliest point. Yes, other people out there have had surgeries and illnesses. It’s when you’re scared and you’re fighting to find out what’s wrong with you but loosing that battle that the mind starts slipping into a darker area. You don’t care about what other people have gone through or that they might have it harder then you are having it. Those things really do go out the window. When you don’t know if you’ll ever get better again because for months the doctors don’t communicate with you is when the break downs happen. Some people it happen sooner, some people it happen later, and hell for some it never even happens.

Trying to get me to remember that others have suffered and been in the amount of pain I was in was not a productive task. It felt like these friends of mine were saying I couldn’t even have a moment to cry and release these feelings to them. Like I had to put on a happy face to save them from hearing about how much I was scared, how much I hurt. That happens a good bit in my life with my friends. I’ll listen and listen long and hard to their thoughts, feelings, and so on. But as soon as I start talking about something they don’t want to her I get the same form of lines. “Oh, you’re always having a bad time.”

That was one of the flash backs and pet peeves of mine. Part of me still thinks I am this weak person because of what my causal friends have told me as well as my family. There was really only one person who was there for me and watched me suffer. And the looks on His face made me want to cry but instead I smiled. I know He likes my smile. I knew if I smiled and did my best that He wouldn’t hurt as much. He, as my lover and best friend, saw me at my most horrid moment in life and didn’t run away. He didn’t play off my pain or tell me I was wrong for bitching. When I wanted to give up He supported me and showed me the reasons I should be proud of myself. That, to me, is what a friend does and what I strive to do for others.

After going to the movies and attempting to find shoes for me we got home. Have to admit I felt like a bus hit me. At that moment another flash back to when I was in the hospital hit me. I can’t say that I wanted to cry, more like I was amazed at myself. When I tell people “ I have no shame”, I really mean it. I got up to my hospital room from surgery. I had to pee really badly. The nurse smiled and said good well you can walk to the bathroom and then into bed. My mother and father were there as well. Yes, my relationship with my mother is not the best, but I was so freaking happy to see her because it showed me share cared enough to show up. Also she was a nurse and I knew she’d help me while she was there.

I sat up, that was fine. I stood up, that was not so fine. I took a few steps and the nausea hit me so hard. My mother hand my arm and I started moving as fast as I could toward the bathroom. I sat down thinking that hey now that I’m sitting again I’ll not feel so sick. Not the case at all. The aid was holding me up, my mother ran and got the basin, and I puked a good five times as I was held up. Again, let me restate, after that I have no shame left. Cause at that moment I also found out I started my period. Thank god I was on very good drugs.

I had almost the same feeling tonight. Felt like I got hit by a bus, head pounding, stomach hurting, and of coarse mother nature right on time to just make things extra special yet again. As I write this I have a slight smile on my lips and chuckle in my heart. If I can laugh at this and talk about these things, I’m not the same person I was 5 years ago. I’m not the same person I was 6 months ago.

Nobody had been with me on this path as long as I have been. My one friend, goddess bless Him, has told me how I act at times. Being totally honest with me and I thank Him for that honesty. Even He doesn’t see where I’ve come from and how far I have come. He helps me be aware of when I’m slipping backwards and tells me up from when I’m being a bitch. That’s what friends are for as well. Even though He can’t be as proud as I can be of me blooming into this new person, He can still help me be aware of my own patterns.

My dream from the night before haunted me on and off yesterday. It wasn’t as bad as some of my dreams can get, yes Stephen King would be oh so fucking proud of the shit I dream. It was just very unnerving. I can only remember three parts to the dream. But those three parts flashed through my mind and gave me goose bumps. Maybe I would’ve been better if I had dreamt about killers and being hunted. At least I get off in those dreams.

To a more enjoyable flashback of the evening. I go out to dungeons fairly frequently as well as well as events. I am lucky enough to met a wide verity of people. This is where I admit I am slightly a voyeur. When I first went to a dungeon my eyes almost fell out of their little sockets. That still happens when I go to new places. I am getting better at knowing where I want to look and refining myself so I don’t look ogling eyed.

Many different types of things I enjoy. One is watching a D/s couple play. There is something about watching the energy between two people who have a deep bond. I wish I could have the beautiful words to describe the beautiful mental images that comes to mind when I think of the couples I’ve seen at play. The play and protocols that some people have in their relationship amaze me. I find it totally beautiful even if it appears foreign to me.

There are all sorts of other types of play out there between different levels of relationships. At this moment I still have to say my favorite to watch is the one I mentioned above. I watched two friends play down in D.C. It was almost like a dance in a way, between the two of them you could see the connection. I seen a few other scenes that night that were okay, but not the same. I had a unsettling moment when someone I knew in the scene, but had never seen play before, started a "hot" scene.

That scene was lovely enough for most people, there was a crowd that came over to watch and I nearly got stepped on a few times from my spot. I looked to see what they were watching. I have the feeling that this was a case of an impressive person doing a scene with a “hot” chick. I liked most of what I saw but there were parts that just didn’t do anything for me. I was unhappy with myself, as a person who likes to watch, that I was not totally blown away by this "hot" scene that everyone else seemed to gather around. The part that I understand was myself being more turned on and excited by seeing my friends.

Maybe I had a connection with them. Maybe they were doing play I enjoy more. But I think it comes down to what I heard at the GRUE earlier in the day. GrayDancer read an email from someone, that was very well written about a topic that touched on what I saw. Using my own words to sum it up, there are people out there who go and put on a show for others. These people aren’t bad in my own opinion but it comes off with less of a feeling. The connection that two people have when the world “fades away”, that is something that not many people focus on as of late.

Watching my friends play, they gave the shadows back to me. Their play was pure, deep, and meaningful between them. There were no rules that they had to follow except their own. Nobody else mattered but their partner and they had their shadows as part of their play. That moves me to tears. I know what that feels like and it doesn’t matter if you’re the “hot rigger” with the “hot chick” to “look good”. The energy between two people, that’s what makes it hot for me when I watch.

A evening and night filled with flashbacks, smiles, laughs, hard moments, and mixed emotions. That sums up just about everyday really. But yesterday, it felt more intense or I was just very much more aware of it. The best way to end those days is with a good cuddle. Be it with my lover, my favorite pillow, or my loved blankey, a cuddle really does set the mind at ease.

~Raven~

One Year, Already?

Traveling has been one thing I have always lusted for in life. When I do travel it’s mainly to kink events and I get a wide verity of reactions from my mind. From excited and thrilled to scared and unnerved. Part of me enjoys going through these emotions and feelings. I know my Sir can tell when I’m feeling unnerved and freaking out. He gets to watch me go from a bundle of nerves to a relaxed, smiling kitty. I think he likes watching this transformation and usually is proud of me at the end of it.

I am proud of myself as well. A year ago I could not have even conceived I would be where I’m at now in life. I went to a much a little over a year ago, my first public event ever. I was more scared of that then of the people of my past that I’ve met from online never knowing them from a pile of beats before we met. I remember parts of going to the munch. Someone gave me a business card for their kink group. That shocked me. The hostess of the munch was great, all smiles and laughs. It was a mix of very welcoming people and very curious people.

As I think of it now, maybe this submissive should go make her own business card. It’d be fun to see people’s reactions, to see if they reacted how I did “way back when.” It would give me kicks anyway and help me remember my fetlife name.

I had so much fun at my first munch I really wanted to go back again. For some reason I couldn’t go the next month. If I had to guess I would guess it was my family but I made it a point to go the month after that despite my family. I felt even more awkward this time around. There was more people and new faces and I had not clue what to say or do. So I sat and ate. I heard a guy talking and handing out business card. I asked him some questions about the local dungeon. I was in awe that Pittsburgh even had a dungeon.

About half way through the evening I saw this guy. He looked cute in a lost puppy dog kind of way. I kept one eye on him while I listened to the people around me talking. A few times I wondered if he was looking at me. I smiled at him and eventually made my way over to where he was sitting. We talked for a bit and I was already in awe of him. He shocked me. He likes rope? Wow, I like rope. He’s not being creepy or crawly. We talked about horses and how his ex had horses.

It was at that lovely moment my mother and sister started tag teaming me with the phone calls. I finally broke down, embarrassed, and ran out of the place. The nice guy I talked to had given me a business card. Wouldn’t you know I lost that damn card and couldn’t remember his fetlife name. damnit.

Whatever happened to that guy? Well, we met again at a private play party, he tied me up twice, and swept me off my feet. Ever since I’ve been always lusting for the next time He ties me up among other fun activates Sir and I now do together. It’s been a beautiful path with a blossoming friendship between us. I didn’t see it coming.

When we started out we made an arrangement between each other. I still remember it clear in my mind. I was going to help Him, He was going to help me. I don’t think either one of us knew how much we would end up and still to this day help each other. Enough of the sappy, on to the good stuff. We love going to kink events. It’s an addiction He got me hooked on starting at WinterWickedness last year. For me it starts out as a challenge. How much can I improve myself and have fun.

Since then I’ve been to a handful events. Each one is different and teaches me something new about myself, the kink world, my Sir, and many other areas that I don’t expect to learn about at a kink convention. I started learning slowly and building a base for myself in my kink lifestyle.

Now I’m sitting here a year into my “public kink life” going, wow that shit was fun as hell. Let’s do it again!! I will do it again, as the summer ends and the fall steps in I feel life pulling me forward at a more rapid pace. I know my vanilla life and Sir’s vanilla life are not going to be easy this fall. But that doesn’t mean I can’t smile, enjoy the ride, and make the best out of what I am given.

I should start writing a list of things I want to do with myself. That should keep my mind busy for a while. Hopes everyone is having a good holiday weekend and enjoying cook outs. It’s a bit too cold here and I’m not very much into mainstream holiday “fun”.

~Raven~

Blending Worlds

Today is a lovely day. I’m at school, where I usually keep to myself. It’s not that I don’t want to go and join the groups they have here. It’s just my life is so busy already and I tend to be anti-social in these settings. It takes a good bit to get me out of being anti-social some days.

I’ve come so far as a person and know I still need to go further. I feel proud of myself when I look back on my path. Even at the not so good points I’m still pushing forward and trying my hardest. Really, I don’t have a choice in the matter. Time moves forward, like it or not. At the moment I figure I really need to get on some things in my personal life, but one thing at a time.

One: My car needs fixed. It’s closer then it was before and I am hopeful that it’ll be fixed soon. My Sir gave me a heart attack this morning. He said my car never got the new stickers on it. I freaked out because I still don’t know what happens when I loose those stickers. I’m sure you can get replacements. But I have yet to loose a set. Granted I’ve only been doing this stuff for 4 years now, I’m sure I’ll run into this problem later. Better now when I have the great support of my Sir. To sum up One: my car did have it’s stickers on, Sir just was looking at the wrong car and my car is getting fixed soon.

At times we go through mental periods of “what the hell is this person doing with me?” Both of us do it, so I guess that makes me feel better I’m not the only one who does it. At times it gets me down because I am so bad with words. How can I tell this person I think they are a good person and I love them for who they are? I wish I could speak beautiful words expressing how much He means to me. It usually just comes out as “shut up, (hand over His mouth), I love You for You. You might not see it, but I do.” He does the same thing for me. I call those my wake up calls. That I am a good person, no matter how much I want to be a better person. He sees me as beautiful when I feel like a beached whale on the sofa. That thought makes me laugh, because the more I am with Him and my friends, the less I feel like that.

The other day we got to go out with our friend to the sushi bar. I got drunk and ended up drooling on myself a few times. At one point we went outside and her plants are doing lovely. I am so in awe at her gardening skills. When I finally remembered I needed to use the restroom, I crawled up the stairs. I am not sure how I got down the stairs. About half way down I got to see a small take down scene. Yes, I promised myself I would never do resistance or take down play again, but damn watching them made me excited. I know I can’t do that, but hell I could watch it all night long.

Sitting here writing this blog as I listening to two men talk about their math classes and teachers. I always did find that amusing about college. You can clearly get a lot of information about teachers, classes, and many other things. It’s like writing on the bathroom stalls here. That amuses me as well. There is this one stall in west hall, female bathroom. I started reading it about a year or so ago now. And every few weeks there’d be more added to it. But the part that made me smile was I always thought of myself as a “bigger girl”, but I liked the end stall the best even though it was a smaller stall. When I first started reading the writing it was about how fucking small this stall is, it’s stupid, ect. Then someone wrote that the “fat chick” stall is two over. That made me laugh only because I no longer by that skinny bitch’s definition am fat. I am still waiting to drop something in the toilet by accident.

That’s the thing about college and this campus. I have an easier time on observing people. I wish I could take this skill set and take it to the kink world. At this moment, I tend to second guess my reading someone and that bothers me. I know Sir is really good at it. He’s got a few years of practice on me thought. Can’t His skills just rub off on me while we’re fucking?

As I’m listening to them talk, I went back and looked at my previous blog post and it struck me that I was referring to mainly guys out there. When it comes to females, I think the basics are the same. By basics I mean have passion for something, be thoughtful, open, and so on down that list. As for females though, that’s a different beast. I find for the most part that the females I end up enjoying being around don’t go near the driving me nuts line as much as the men.

I think that is one reason why at times I just want to sit and relax with a female. Say something or just sitting there smoking listening to her talk. All sorts of things that are at times more enjoyable with a female. For me anyway. This doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy men just as much. There are times when I just want to be around the guys and chill. I haven’t dated a female in a long time now. Mainly, I think, because I miss my ex girlfriend so much. I enjoyed the times we had together, even though we were “long distance”. She lived about 5-6 hours away from me. I have this worry that I’ll be so focused on what I had, that I won’t be able to see what’s in front of me when it does show up.

I’m not actively out there seeking a female partner. This bleeds into my feelings about people who just have blinders on and don’t see everything that is happening around them. They think they know what they want and they want it now. No journey to get to that good place, no relaxing time. They just want someone to show up and hand them the relationship of their dreams. Hard work? Forget it. Tears and sad moments? Nope, they are jumping ship. And it goes on and on. I know this because I’ve went through it as well. Once I slowed down, enjoyed each day for what it had to offer, loved each person in my life for who they were, and relaxed about my “plans for the future” life got a lot better for me. That’s where I’m at and still looking to find more ways of walking down the path I am on currently.

It’s windy here at school today. I almost wonder if it’s going to rain or not; my hope is for the rain. As time goes on it gets easier to blend and balance my life. The observations made this afternoon will help down the road, be it in the kink world, college world, or any other world I wonder into in this life.

~Raven~

Thoughtz

Sometimes, there are guys out there I think I like at first glance. Even at third and forth glances. I know I shouldn’t really expect everyone I meet to start a friendship with that it’ll work out for year and years to come. That’s not really realistic. But when it comes to some people, after the first period of “hey you’re someone new in my life“, they tend to go in a downward spiral. For many reasons, but mostly I’d say because they aren’t ready. There are many forms of ready and many forms of relationships.

I used to go around longing to be in a relationship like I seen and read about from various places. One day I finally looked at myself, my place I was at in life, and the light bulb over my head went off. Even if some how this perfect relationship landed in my lap, I’d still not be ready for it. At that point, things became slightly easier to be single until I came to a point where I was more ready for a relationship or more friendships.

I’ve come up with a few different things I find important. Be it with friends or relationships. I would label these things “things to know to date Raven, and survive.” But my Sir suggested just to call it “things to know in order to date Rave.” In any case, these things came about for different reasons. Mostly, just the number of people who have just been clueless. Clueless is the nicest word I can think of that describes most of them. I’m not so hard to deal with as a person, at least I think that way. So I will simply call this "what it takes to not drive me crazy."


No real order but I’ll start with communication. You have to be able to communicate with me and be able to put up with my communication skill level. I am always trying to improve that skill set, but until it’s any better then it is now, please be able to deal with what it is.

Be open with your thoughts and be able to listen to mine. It takes me forever to start to trust someone with my deeper thoughts. I’m always doubting if I make any sense or if I’m saying something wrong. I don’t really go around wanting to hurt people’s feelings. Honest, that’s just not my style or desire. But give me the time it takes to share with you my ideas, wants, and needs. I might need to explain it a few different ways, that doesn’t bother me. But don’t be a brick wall that doesn’t listen.

Be creative. If there is a problem, don’t ask me how to solve it for you. Ask to work through a problem with me. If I have a problem, don’t talk at me. Listen and help me figure things out on my own or with your help.

Walk beside me, not ahead or behind me. I don’t want to be with someone who is forever worshipping the ground I walk on or is forever demanding I worship the ground they walk on. I will worship, love and adore you for the person you are in my own humble ways. That doesn’t mean I think I am less of a person or more of a person then you are. I don’t want to walk this world alone with nobody in site.

Have your own life, dreams, goals, passions. Do not let me push you around or demand you give something up for me. A relationship is about compromise. I will bend and bend and bend if I have that urge. And maybe sometimes you’ll have to bend and bend and bend. But that doesn’t mean we won’t snap back to where we were. We have our lives, dreams, goals, and passions. Sure we can share some together. That doesn’t mean we have to share everything.

When I want alone time, when I want time with a female, when I want time with a male, ect, Let me have it. There are times when I don’t want anything to do with anyone. Be it for 10 minutes or 10 days. Just let me collect myself. Balance myself. Find what the hell I am looking for during those periods. Know I am not intentally ignoring you, I am searching for something, most likely inside of me, and I either don’t need or you can’t help me. There are some things that you cannot provide me. Accept this but don’t think it means I don’t need you in my life.

Be able to laugh, at the world, at yourself, at me. Just be able to let that joy of laughing out whenever you see fit. Like others have said in different referances and styles: what happens at that time is what’s meant to happen. We cannot plan every moment, we can go with the flow, laugh and live in the moment.

Know that I don’t live for tomorrow and what might happen. I do that to an extent, but I learned from my past. I planned and worried about things and I forgot to live in the moment. To enjoy the time I spent with the people I loved in the past. I was so worried about what our relationships might be that I lost them totally. I live each day as it is, and I don’t worry about what my relationships might turn into. Sure pruning and keeping an eye on things is important. But living for what might be in 10 years from now seems foolish to me.

It’s the journey that matters to me.

This is more then enough for right now. I’m sure as time goes on I’ll be able to clean it up and add/subtract from it as I see fit.

~Raven~

The Balancing Point(s)

Sometimes we have bad days, sometimes we have good days. I don’t think I sit down and count how many good days I have so that I can keep score. I mean everything balances out in the end in some form. So why worry about some things that we cannot control and forget about some of the things we can control. I spent about 30-45 minutes taking a practice quiz online for my quiz tomorrow, then making note cards and attempting my best to study. Part of me stops and thinks, hey I bet my boyfriend didn’t have to do this when He was in school. Yeah, yeah, He was in a field of study that you didn’t have to study like I am studying right now. Note: He did have to study and work at it, I’m not saying that, I’m saying the style of studying and the work that had to be learned was slight different then my work.

Now I know I could never do what He does. First, I’m not a geek, although I am a geek fan girl. I never excelled in things that were not interactions in the way I see them. Take nursing, you interact with a whole shit load of people on many different levels. That’s my kind of thing. Going in and seeing what needs to be done and doing it. Then seeing the changes you’ve created. If I’m looking at lines in a book about how to put something together, I can’t read that in that format. So of coarse I am not going to be in those type of fields reading lines of codes or how to guides. Just not my scene.

So what the hell does this have to do with kink? Well, balance. That’s the simplest connection I can find really. I talked to Sir today about this and asked Him His opinions on a subject that really interests me. The answer came down to balance, at least how I translated what He said. Some people in life do things for themselves and they don’t really care about others in the process. Me? I don’t think I could be like that, no matter how many times in the past I’ve been accused of it. I stop and think, if even for a moment, about the outcome of my actions and how they might effect someone else. Sometimes I think more then others, again just the nature of the beast.

There are also other people who are out there doing their own thing. Now be it for whatever reason, they are just happy swimming in their damn fish pond. I think if I thought about it, my sister is kind of like this in a limited way. She knows everyone, everything, and just about anything you could want to know about the place where we both grew up. That is, she knows who is fucking who, who did what to who, and so on. It is a very extensive knowledge base. The thing I think that makes her different is she could go anywhere and do that, she just doesn’t care at this moment. She talks about moving over seas, and she talks about moving away. A lot of talk but I think someday she just might do it. Hell, she got married and we were all betting against that (funny thing is, she’s still married).

But there are lots of people out there in the kink world who have their own style or M/O. Sometimes I sit back and watch. That’s one thing that I am not recognized for or maybe I am and I just don’t know it yet. I really do like to sit and watch how people interact on a social level in the kink world. It’s not fair to put people into boxes and I am not doing that. I’m just taking a few examples and making some mental connections. There are those people who are so graceful. That’s what I call it anyway. They go into a room, do their thing, smile/laugh/have fun, and go on to the next thing.

Part of me wonders of those people are dancers. Because the ones I’ve seen and met are in the very least performers. I don’t mean they get up and dance on cue or that they are a trained money to spin the turn crank. I mean they light up the room and bring a great energy into the scene and do it so gracefully it usually leaves me speechless. Beyond that it leaves me looking inward at myself to better myself not grumble about oh how I wish I could be them. Because in all honesty I could be that graceful person that brightens up the room. I know when I met my Sir the second time I was that person who just bounced across the room and gave Him the biggest hug. I made His night and He made mine. Not to down play that, but to me in my mind that’s “small scale”. The people I am talking about do that on a larger scale. Not saying that one is better then the other, because both are special and take special people. But if I knew how to extend myself and brighten up more then one person’s room at a time, I would.

I want this world to be a positive place for growth and other things. I think that there are very special people out there working hard to make that world expand and reach more people who may feel lost in the dark. For many years I was one of those people who was lost in the dark and feeling so far down I didn’t know what way I was going or who I was deep down inside. Part of me wants to explain and let more people in to that time period so they can better understand me. And with that comes another view point for them. Yes, we go through good days and bad, but knowing that we aren’t the only ones gives us a connection. A point to grow on and to hopefully pull us towards something that helps us grow as a person.

I got asked in a phone interview once, “So, is there anything about having kink in your life that has made it hard?” The person asked me that question many different times in many different ways. Trying to get me to say something like : “yes, I feel bad I’m a freak because the mainstream just tears me apart.” That’s not the case for me. Maybe cause I’m half in and half out. Hell my picture is posted on enough kinky sites anyway. For me, being kinky is just part of who I am and I refuse to feel bad for it. Sometimes I doubt myself and my choices, who doesn’t? But the guy didn’t understand what he was asking. He might have well asked a man born at birth blind, if he regretted never seeing the colors of a sunset. That man has never seen so he doesn’t know what he is missing. I’ve never been the mainstream type girl. I never fit into groups that were considered “normal” by the mainstream media or people who live in that type of life.

I don’t know what it’s like to go to prom, I don’t know what it’s like to be a popular cheerleader (although I do know what it’s like to tackle a cheerleader in flag football). Those things I will never know because part of me doesn’t really care to know. Do I want a house with a white picket fence and neighbors to come over on the weekend while my stud of a husband cooks meat on the grill? Well, as long as I have a dungeon in the basement, frequent flier miles, and my neighbors (at least some of them) are kinky too. Then that “American Dream” might be bearable for me.

~Raven~

New thoughts on Ordeals and Figging

Hello E/everyone. Hope that this weekend rocks for everyone. At the D.C GRUE relaxing for a moment while I wait for a figging class. I have always wanted to try figging, but wanted to watch someone else do it first. You know that kind of thing where you research it and read all the “warnings”. You still think it’s fun, but you want to make sure you do it right or understand the consequences of your actions. Figging is the type of thing (from my reading) that once you start, you cannot stop. So that alone gives me pause. I have a few lists set up for myself as far as kinks/fetishes go. The first list is the group of things I’m willing and most likely only want to do by myself. That’s things like heat sensations and things I’m not wanting to share with anyone else. The next list is things I really, really want to try but I don’t want to do it alone. I want a back up plan in case things go horribly wrong. Figging is on that list. Sure anyone can shove a piece of ginger in their body.

Now time for me to do figging…correction, now time for the figging class where I watch it. Then figure out if it’s still something I want to do. Yes this blog post is going to be broken up and written in a sort of real time fashion, but that is only because I can stand doing it just this one time.

<\_~

Well, I just had a lovely conversation with someone who was so refreshing to talk to on many levels. Learning and sharing time with someone who is well versed in the areas that you yourself are working towards is just lovely. It makes you realize that it can and is being done.

There is so much I want to say, but feel so limited due to the words we have to describe these beautiful butterflies. I am waiting for the fishbowl though, that is something I think would be helpful to me. The rope bottom round table that went on was very good vibes. I’m so happy that others just kept it going and in my mind it was productive for me. Right now, I have no clue where Sir is at. But relaxing and taking a moment for myself just feels right. I have this time where I know I need to reset myself. Some things did grind on my nerves, but that had to do with every day life and things I still have to learn to deal with internally.

While talking to this lovely lady, I realized that I am not clear on what I think is the next level in my path. So maybe that is a wrong word choice. I think what I want is a way to stay more focused on my path and figure out how my path mixes and interacts with Sir and the path He is on. This goes back to the ordeal path and my reading of books on that topic. I am really drawn towards it, and I guess the goddess wanted to give me a clear understanding of what that path included. Sometimes, you don’t get a choice in the matter of ordeal path. Sickness happens. For the first week I was going out of my mind insane with pain and fear. Those two things overtook me. I didn’t know what was wrong with my body, I didn’t know much of anything. There were times when I couldn’t even think. Taking “that” away from me made me unsure. It was a feeling of helplessness and that lead to other feelings.

One of my biggest hang ups is the dealing with pain. Because of the way I grew up, my family, and other factors, I have this mental block of not knowing what I’m in “too much pain.” I have never passed out from pain. I have twice given up because of the pain. The first time I was getting my blood drawn for the 3rd time that week. The previous two blood tests came back normal. I had twisted and flinched and had my normal reactions to the needle going in and out. The 3rd time, however, mentally I was defeated. At that point the pain was constant. There was no relief. And here is this nurse just trying to help me and knowing my reaction to needles feels bad for me. But I don’t move. I just check out mentally. She finishes and then I start crying . Not because of the pain, but because my mind clicked and mentally I could not go on. I did walk to the waiting area to where Sir was, eyes red and I flopped down. I went from crying to bawling my eyes out, shaking and Him having to drag me out of the waiting area to the car. Once we got to the car I clicked back. Okay I just walked from the waiting area to the car. I didn’t think I could do it but I did. So that must mean I’m not done yet. I still have more to give.

The next time was in the ER. I went in and waiting for 2 hours about. I didn’t have a watch nor did I care. At one point I went to the nurses and begged them to help me. At this point I hadn’t had food in 5-6 days and I hadn’t had liquids in about 3 days. Yes, I know what it’s like to want water so badly, but to not be able to drink it. To have the thing I wanted most in the world, just a fucking glass of water, and my body couldn’t handle taking it in. That was very defeating for me. The nurses couldn’t do anything till the process of checking me in was done and there was a room in the ER for me. So I walking and stumbled to the back corner of the ER and laid down. I don’t know what is going on, suddenly I wake up and all the people who were there before waiting were gone. I felt my face and it was covered in drool. I just had given up at that point on feeling any relief. I did get it later on that night, and was shocked. That was one turning point for me. Ever since then water is like gold to me. I collect water bottles and won’t toss any of it away.

To end this blog entry I want to go back to the start for a moment. Figging. I think I’m not really going to be thrilled with a ginger root up my ass, but the sounds of getting ginger on my pussy is much better. Just my own observations and talking with the demo bottom who sounds a lot like me along the lines of how the sensations line up. Although yes we know no two people are alike, but I had the feeling that I’d enjoy it more on my pussy then ass. But hey, I can always try both.

~Raven~

New Turning Point

*sight* well the blog post I typed out for tonight didn't save and I am left here slightly bummed out over that. Right now Sir and I are watching a movie. Between being sick, TFW, and now the GRUE I have tons to write about, many ides pass through my mind about each thing.

I have to admit that things that have happened have given me new point of view on things. I feel some weight has been lifted off of me at the same time it was a bittersweet moment. You know when you look back at different stages of life ya remember good points, then you also remember you can't go backwards. Have to keep going forward. That's what this is like to an extent.

This is my lovely short blog entry, yeah I feel bad but hey it's late and get to struggle with early morning wake up calls.

~Raven~

SSC,RACK, shit happens.

I wrote a post about this in the past, that went on forever. With all I wrote about I still never got to the heart of the matter because I was too busy trying to cover all bases. Trying to make sure that every kinky person who read it would have their warnings and what not so as not to offend them. Well, Shit happens, if you find this to be so against what you think, I can solve that for you. SHIT HAPPENS, get over it. Stop reading now!! I really don’t want you to pop the blood vessels in your eyes if you can’t handle someone having their own opinion.

These are just my ever evolving opinions on subjects that I find the need to keep thinking about until I can come up with an acceptable answer for myself. Not for you sitting at your computer desk reading this, but for me, my self and fucking I. I have this urge to keep revisiting areas until I am sure I have come to the best fit for me. Does that mean you can use this to help yourself? Sure. Don’t take my word as gold, what works for me, doesn’t work for everyone else.

I want to make a quick pit stop at SSC and why it bothers me so damn much. I could never really put into words why until recently. When I met a newbie and got to remembering what it was like to be new to the kink world. I’ve never really forgotten cause I still consider myself a newbie, but I have a little background in different areas. First thing that bugs me about the terms is the terms themselves and how they are used. I spent time retyping and going over what the terms Safe and Sane meant, in general. Here’s what I got:
“Safe
Adjective
1.secure from liability to harm, injury, danger, or risk. A safe place.
2. Free from hurt, injury, danger, or risk; to arrive safe and sound.
3. Involving little or no risk of mishap, error, ect. A safe estimate.
4. Dependable or trustworthy: a safe guide.
5.Careful to avoid danger or controversy: a safe player; a safe play.
6. Denied the chance to do harm; in secure custody: a criminal safe in jail.”
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/safe

“Sane:
Adjective
1. Free from mental derangement; having a sound, healthy mind: a sane person.
2. Having or showing reason, sound judgment, or good sense: sane advice.
3. Sound; healthy.”
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/sane

We can say sure what we do is SSC by our standards. But lets really ask ourselves is it sane to do what we do at all? By the standards of the general public that would be a big no. This is one reason I have to laugh at those people sitting in the camp of “my kink is better then your kink.” If that camp works good for you, more power to you. It doesn’t work for me. How can we point at someone doing “edge play” and say “that’s not safe or sane, you shouldn’t do it!” To me that is the pot calling the kettle black.

The next point that really makes me not like SSC comes from my past and the people I’ve played with in the past as well as people I see/hear about in passing. These people that chant SSC are the biggest lairs of them all in my opinion. Like chanting SSC is really going to make tying someone up, flogging them, and fucking them any more safer then what it is already. It’s like some people out there, I’ll call them vultures to denote the difference, are going round spinning stories to newbies about SSC. It’s one of their tools to get this newbie to play with them. “Oh, I ONLY do things that are SSC, and you should trust me because I follow SSC to the letter, I would never ever do RACK or anything else because that is TOO dangerous and I would never ever hurt you.” The vultures who use this line are full of shit. But it works for them because the rest of the community doesn’t want to look bad legally so we go rounds say yes what we do is SSC, Yes you should only follow SSC. Yes lets set you up to play with someone who is just using SSC as a cover to take advantage of the situation and phrase.

RACK, I can agree with and for the most part am in favor of just because as I see it most everything is covered. Sure, I am aware of the downsides of this term/idea. But at least it’s more honest. Within the community, while talking to people of the community I think it’s should be RACK. If we have to talk to a vanilla or in a court maybe we can push SSC past them like we do the newbies. But every lawyer out there is going to say really? Hanging someone upside down and having them suck your cock/eat your pussy? That’s sane? Are you fucking shitting me?

When It comes to me, I know the risks that my play involves, as well as the risks other forms of play involve that I don’t do. Why? Cause I’m a nebshit and I like to learn about as much as I can on different topics. But I also know that I am not a god. I cannot control, nor can any other human out there control everything. Yes we get off to giving up control, getting control, or both. But we cannot see accidents coming, from equipment failing to slip ups in play. That factor is always going to be there. I call that part of play “shit happens.” Anything can happen, accepting that and going forward is how I play.

If I don’t admit that I know something “could” happen to me, then I’m just being foolish. That’s how I see it. Accepting that hey I do some pretty insane shit, edge play or whatever you want to call it. But there has always been a part of it that was RACK and a part that was giving up control to the universe of, hell, shit happens.

One last quick note before I go take a nap or something. I’d like to thank a few people for helping me figure out how I wanted to say all this. They didn’t say things the way I did, but they did tell me how they felt on this area and helped shaped my own opinions. Thanks Kuve, Dov, B.Playful, and others out there who have talked and shared their opinions with me.

~Raven~

Ass Play Stores. . .cause we all need a good laugh.

In no real order I felt the urge to share stories on the topic of ass play. I’ve not really done it much, but what I’ve done I’ve found pretty funny. The first story comes from a while back in my “younger days” of kink when I was a full blown newbie. This time period of my life was fast and slow, as well as filled with day dream ideas of fun and excitement with the thoughts of new things.

I was in a poly relationship, where I had a Dom and He had other submissives. I got along with His “first” girl very well, and she with me. Stroke of luck if you ask me now looking back on everything but we had a great weekend together. They had anal beads and I had anal sex before once but never tried toys. The beads to me looked big, you know when your younger everything looks bigger then it is, keep that in mind ladies. I was blindfolded laying across the bed, ass up in the air. She was playing with my hair at some points and He was telling me what to do as He slide the beads in. I really could not tell how far in the beads where but for the most part I was enjoying it. At the same time she had pulled out her phone and called our friends and handed Him the phone. He whispered something that my ears caught. “wow, I didn’t think she’d get this many beads in, I have one left.” My mind clicked, as many of my friends have seen it click. I started screaming my safe word, my muscles tended up, and it took them 5 minutes to relax me from my state of holy fuck what’s in my ass?

A few years later I bought the same anal beads and got them all the way in my ass. . . And if I didn’t misplace them in my move I’d still be using them. They’re really not as bad or as big as I worked them up to be in my mind. I find myself laughing at that story still, just cause my over reaction to what I heard. Lesson: ear plugs might have been a good thing to invest in.

Next story. . . This one is priceless. It cracks me up and makes me smile because Sir really pulled one over on me. We had won an njoy small size plug at an event we went to, and well He just had to try it out. Okay, yes I HAD to try it as well. It went it a lot easier then I thought it would. Hell, even to this day it goes in easier then I thought it would. We finish packing up for the trip home and get on the road. I get hungry and ask if we can stop for some food.

He was most agreeable, maybe too agreeable. We ate a lovely lunch then He got up to use the rest room. I really had to use the rest room as well so I waited until He got back and hopped up and when I saw Him heading over. On the way past He whispered in my ear “make sure you don’t drop it.” I had a big smile on my face cause I knew I had done anal play before and He didn’t. I thought I had it in the bag. I had the advantage over him.

I get in and the bathroom is lovely. Each stall had a sink of its own and was really well laid out. I started doing my business and suddenly I heard something. CLANK, that’s what it sounded like and my face dropped. I stopped breathing for a few moment. I slowly turned and looked slightly behind me. FUCK, it’s an auto flushing toilet! I had 2.5 seconds to make up my mind. And I hate toilet water. I was freaking out and then I heard the dreaded sound. Without thinking I reached down and grabbed it, that took less then 2.5 seconds. Something I never thought I’d do. I slowly stood and faced the sink and for the next 3 minutes with as hot as I could get the water I scrubbed my hands and the toy. It might have been longer, but I popped the plug back in. No way in hell I’d go back to Sir and not have the toy in place. By the way, hot water+ metal toy =hot metal toy. Oh yes at least that was pleasant. I slowly put myself together and start out of the stall. There was a line of ladies. All of them giving me nasty looks. I looked at the ground, ran across the store, and grabbed Sir by His arm. Dragged Him to the coffee shop and then dragged Him to the car.

Half way to the car I busted out laughing and had to attempted telling Him the story a few times between laughing. I was so pissed that He had the upper hand the whole time and I didn’t want to admit it. But that is one of the things I totally enjoy, being out smarted.

First times:Suspension and Kitty Play Party.

I have to say, that I have put off writing about anything for a while now because I have had no focus, I have not had something that moved me to write and post what I’ve written. But I wanted to write this story of events for myself so I can keep it fresh and enjoy reliving it.

I went to classes for a few days and listened to people talk. I saw a few faces I knew and had seen play before so I knew that they had an idea of what they were doing/talking about. I finally some how grew a back bone and asked what I wanted to ask to a presenter. It simply came down to this: How can I get past my own mind when it keeps telling me I cannot be suspended. He was nice and sat down and talked with me for a few minutes about it. The answer was rather simple and one I didn’t want to hear because I already knew it but didn’t want to admit it.

First, there is no try, I am either going to be suspended or not. Second, It can be done if I trust the person doing it. Third, it’s going to be different/uncomfortable/ not pleasant. At this point I side track to mention I agree with the fact that the female body was made to with stand and take pain. Babies, PMS, and men prove that point clearly. So I know I like a bit of pain, but I don’t consider myself a pain slut. The tools were given to me and I walked outside for a smoke.

My partner was there and I was very nervous clearly. Puffed away two smokes before I told Him what was on my mind. It was so simple yet I had such a hard time saying it. {flashback} Earlier that night I had a bad feeling and had told Him I wanted to pass on playing that night. I didn’t know what was wrong with me, I wanted to play but something in the back of my mind wasn’t right. I was almost in tears when I told Him what I was feeling. {back to current part} By the end of the second smoke I was able to collect myself enough to tell Him simply: “You are going to suspend me tonight. Let me know when You are ready.”

Yeah, I’ve got to give control up to this person who I just told Him what He’s going to do. Can we say I have control issues? (laughs). Being aware of those issues allows me to work on them and move forward. He smiles His great amazing smile and takes my hand. Down to the dungeons we go. We searched out a few rooms and sat in one room that was smaller. Waiting and waiting made me worried. What if I loose my resolve to do this? What If I start over thinking all this stuff? That was my biggest problem. Over thinking everything.

He went off to look over the dungeons again to look for a rig. He found one and came back and got me. As I walked behind Him I started to watch my breathing. I was breathing too rapidly. I needed to relax. Not think. Slowing down the breathing. I usually watch Him set things up and start tying. This time I didn’t. I couldn’t or I wouldn’t be able to do this task. I looked at the ground and focused on my breathing and Him. I heard the click of His ring going up. Yes, it was the largest of the dungeons, but some things you notice. Things that get you excited at what is coming next. He moved me backwards under the ring and put my hands up on the ring. I looked over at Him and said “you can tie my hands, you can do it however you want.”

I know my partner likes to have hands tie, it’s a control thing. And I’ve had such a hard time with that in the past. I wanted to have Him do it however He wanted, I wanted Him to get His kicks. He smiled, kissed me, and said no, He wanted to do it this way. I smiled and nodded. Then the focus came into play. I kept my eyes are my arms and at a place between my elbows. I didn’t watch the ropes go on, I didn’t pay attention to the order. I just enjoyed the feeling of them touching my skin and focused harder on clearing my mind. Focus on not focusing. That’s the concept. I kept going with it.

I heard a nose from the side. I thought oh, someone’s having fun. Then went back to focusing and things faded away again. I heard a louder nose from the same side. Wow, I’m sure they’re having a good time. Back to what I needed to do. Then this sound I’ve never heard before. So loud and I just had to turn my head. What I saw was something of pure beauty. I couldn’t turn my eyes away. I watched for maybe a minute before I was almost in tears. I was blinking the tears away after two minutes. The scene was so moving and beautiful. It made me forget where I was at and what I was about to do.

Then I came back to what my scene was and did as I was told. Lean back. The ropes didn’t pinch or make me want to scream this time around. Instead I felt my body relax into the ropes and I was suspended. It was so much more then I thought it would be. Again almost in tears over how happy I was to be able to do this task. I had climbed the mountain that had been haunting me for weeks/months. My fears had faded away in the ropes and I was in a state of pure happiness. He blindfolded me and tied my hands up the ropes. He started to tie my foot when I felt a wave of nausea. I notice I do get that way when something suddenly isn’t right with my body. I told Him and He got me up and I felt like I was still flying. I wanted to dance in His arms to the music but I’m sure I would’ve fallen on my face. My legs were unsteady and felt like jello.

It was something that I totally enjoyed doing. Suspension went from something that haunted me to something that was a new twisted enjoyment.

I wanted to share this for a few reasons. One, it was pretty amazing for me. And Two I have read a thread about loud noses and people being angry about their scene being interrupted. I talked with my partner about the loud scene after we got back to the hotel room. My comment went more like: “OMFG DID YOU SEE THAT AMAZING SCENE THAT XXXXX WAS DOING?! IT WAS SO BEAUTIFULLY MOVING AND JUST MADE ME SPEECHLESS.” Yeah, I was taken out of my scene. . .but I cannot think of a better way to be taken out of a scene then to see something that was so beautiful and opened my own eyes to a world that I have been missing. A new way of thinking and feeling . . . That was the highlight of my shibaricon. To be suspended and to witness a scene that moved me in a way that I’ve not been moved ever by a scene, not even by one I’ve done.

Notes:

I wrote this post a long time ago but never thought to post it in my blog. I tend to have a back log on my posts. Lots of writing that needs touched up and what not before I post it. but this one is lovely enough to add to this collection. I should also take a moment to talk about kitty play party I went to at shibaricon. That was the most fun I've ever had in that setting. I always thought I was odd and not able to mix my love of ropes and kitty play. Hell, before last year I didn't know that kitty play had a name. It was just me getting in touch with a part of me that I enjoy.

But the party, Hosted by Physchkat, was the best EVER, I also have to thank Jack and His friends for all they did as well for the party. LOVED the lazier pointer. . . I was so far and deep into kitty space it was totally lovely. I was floating. Even after when I went for a smoke out side in front of the hotel, I was still in kitty space. I saw a wrapper go floating across the pavement and almost jumped after it. Thankfully I had a little self control.

Thanks to everyone, 1,000 thanks to the staff and everyone who helped at shibaricon. Totally loved it.

~Raven~

Taboo Mix and Match

I have this urge to talk about kitty play and myself. I never had anyone to share this part of me until recently. It was my limited understanding of the kink world that took me so long to find kitty play. As well as my want to keep my life in neat little boxes. I am a pagan, I can’t insult others or it was too taboo to mix pagan with any other area of my life. I thought the boxes would keep my life balanced. I have to be well centered and balanced in order to move forward. My foolish thought was being balanced all the time was the goal. It’s not, being as balanced as one can be and rolling with the flow of life is one of my goals, and I believe it’s one of the less foolish goals. A few months ago I thought to maybe it’d be okay to mix my faith/religion/whatever you want to call it and my kinky life. I was shocked at how many pagans were into the lifestyle and the groups that I found on fetlife. I have yet to take steps to doing that more then here and there things. I’m reading more books on kink and pagans, looking at and for more websites. I’ve become more comfortable with the idea of mixing areas of my life.

I love rope, I believe I sang that from the mountain tops at one point. I know the rope community is vast and I have not even started to tap into it or spread my wings into the community. I’m a bit too awkward for that at this moment. But I never knew that kitty play existed, and then I never knew that it’d be OK to be into both kitty play and rope. I went to the kitty play party at Shibaricon and had a blast. I went deeper into kitty space then I ever had before on my own. I didn’t feel awkward or out of place. I felt so good and warm and fuzzy. I am learning that it’s okay to drop my walls, to mix and match to what feels right to me. I totally enjoy kitty play with my rope and other areas of life I enjoy. I wonder if what I’m doing is taboo, part of me thinks it’s not but at the same time everything I do can be considered taboo from someone else’s point of view.

More about kitty play. This morning, I woke up and did a few little things and then went back to bed. Woke up a few hours later and Sir greeted me with a hug. He had said I went back to bed, He checked on me twice. Part of me knew He checked on me, when I woke up at one point I saw the bedroom door closed. I know that means He’s been there, looked at me sleeping and closed the door to keep the sound of typing out of the bedroom. Okay so that is something that makes my heart melt, to have Him and my friends check on me every once and a while. Not because it’s a hassle but because they care about me. So I smiled and kissed Him, enjoyed Him holding me for a few moments. Then I got some food and did some more mundane things that you do while waking up. He came over after a while and rubbed my back, touched me and I instantly clicked into kitty space. My kitty side was purring and so damn happy to get this moment of lovely pettings and attentions. I meows, purred and rubbed my paws against His lovely skin. It was a purrrrrrrfect moment.

I’m learning that I am kitty more often and it’s enjoyable for me to let go and open up that part of me. As well as since I can’t have a whole big kinky amazing scene at this moment due to medical issues, I am so enjoying these little scenes. Hopefully this lesson will stick with me and I will be able to not be so apprehensive about going into a scene. I know my outlook for the last few months has been this big grand idea of rope and lovely scenes and I’ve always backed away from doing them on days when I was tired or just didn’t think I could finish a scene. Now I enjoy short little “scenes” and know that it’s not how long a scene is that makes it a lovely, amazing.

~Raven~

Know thy Audience

With so much on my mind I attempt to start writing this blog post today. Usually I like to have a theme or idea in mind when I write, but even then I tend to be so elusive as to the thoughts. My attempts from now on will be to complete a thought before I move on to the next one or end a post. The next goal will be to be able to share those thoughts in a reasonable length of reading material. It is made rather hard these days because of this set up. This thing that allows us to share thoughts and ideas with thousands across the world also limits us at the same time. It’s lovely that they have came up with more ways to give us ways to break through those limitations. I have tried in the past to set up and explain things before I start talking about what I wanted to talk about so that I would cut down on the chances I’d offend someone or someone would take what I was saying out of context. Well, hello, no matter what I did or how explained it someone is going to take out of context what I am saying.

By the time I get done explaining I don’t feel like talking about my theories, my thoughts, what I wanted to write. It’s a buzz kill really. To worry so much about being taken out of context. I wrote a short two part piece the other week. Just to have a chance to spread my wings and express what I’m thinking and what not. It was a rather lovely piece of writing. Not complete but a good start and well thought out. But the people who read it did not read what was there or comment about what was there. Instead they read parts of what was there and put their own feelings and thoughts towards what they thought I was saying. Instead of reading what I was saying for what it was: my point of view on one subject. It went as far as some telling me I shouldn’t share my point of view because it will hurt the kink community.

It gets me thinking about different questions. Should I change my opinions and thoughts to protect the community I’m part of? Why? Am I not part of the community and shouldn’t I enjoy thinking for myself? Are my ideas as valid as everyone else’s in the community?


Great, I had a lovely ending to my Blog post and my computer just crapped out on me. I want to beat my head off the coffee table. I want to hurry up and enjoy a short walk while I enjoy this feeling of relief. I did come to a unblock age of something that has been bothering me. What it comes down to is I do take the time to consider who is going to be my audience. When people who are in my target audience take what I am saying so far out of context it bothers to an extent. I spent the time to consider what I wanted to say and who I wanted to say it to, they discount that and answer from a view that is not even at their own education level. My friend summed it up best:

“You weren’t writing for the ‘nilla crowd, you were a scene person talking to scene people and what you wrote should have been accepted in that context.”~Kuve~

Have a lovely day, I’m going out for a short walk and enjoy some fresh air.

~Raven~

In the middle of the storm

I've been reading a book by Lee Harrington for a few weeks now on and off. Making some notes and looking at myself closely. There are so many things I'd like to cover but being in the middle of something is often not the best time to start this type of undertaking. But I wanted to take a minute, while I'm laying here naked and thinking, to tell about some important lessons I'm in the process of learning, as well as talk about parts of why I'm not a social butterfly at this moment.

Harrington talks about the "ordeal" path in his book. This path called to me to learn and think about it more. To challenge myself because I've become rather stuck in a mental rut that I needed out of. One thing mentioned in this area is that sometimes Ordeals aren't our choice, they are put on us by life's happenings. I have to admit I was happy with the idea of pushing myself when I was ready, I didn't have a clue what was to come or that my body was going to put me through an ordeal of it's own. When I think back to the first part of what's happened to me, I handled it not as gracefully as I picture most people handling their body shutting down. I think a lot of the time I was either screaming crying out for help (that nobody could provide at that time) or I was inwardly asking the goddess for help.

I didn't once ask "why me?" like so many my do when bad things happen. Partly because I expect them to happen, they are a part of life just like the good times and happy things. But also I just haven't bothered to ask that question because when I was younger I asked myself: If it's not me going through this hell, it'd be someone else, so why not me? That was and mostly has been my logic for getting through painful and bad times.

Part of me wishes that my ordeal is over, it's been over a week now with no end in site, but I have to take it one hour at a time now. It will be over when it is meant to be over. I will either be better and walking round with a huge smile on my face like I was Friday night, or there will be other out comes that I haven't thought of yet. Not that I'm this positive happy go lucky bitch, no;far from it. But I choose to attempt to be that happy go lucky ungraceful bitch.

With out my friends, I wouldn't have made it this far. I started this blog off to talk about my relationships and the one with my BF, well He's a great guy who kept me sane when my body turned me insane. I'm sure that cost Him a bit of His sanity as well. We have conversations from time to time that are about off topics. One being that He's in a different age group then me, and He says that He's more likely to end up in the hospital and I'm more likely to end up dying quickly in an accident. That's the only reason I know I'm not dying right now. Because young people usually die quickly in accidents and I'm in too much pain and it's been too long to consider this dying quickly. I know, the logic in that is pretty weak, but It makes sense to me.

I went to bed Saturday morning for a few hours. I woke up not hungry at all. so I didn't eat all day and didn't think of it. I joked about it in a chat room I was in at that time, and they told me to go eat cause it's not good to starve yourself. I ate one of those TV healthy choice dinners. It hit my stomach wrong, I ate it slowly and nibbles but it still hurt. That was the start of my 6 days. That evening I went out and got dinner for both of us, I had the same feeling while eating that food as well. The next morning I didn't eat, and I can't recall eating much of anything till the next day. I made fish for lunch cause I have a thing for fish at this moment. Then I called the doctors cause the discomfort I had felt for 2 days was turning into pain. Went in and they ordered me tests. Every day from Monday till Friday I was in the doctor's office or in the testing center. That fish lunch was the last thing I ate that week. By Wednesday I stopped drinking as well. Apparently when you tell the doctors you are having pain in your stomach they take that as nausea and heart burn. Even when you tell them it feels like there is a knife cutting up your stomach from the inside out, it's the same medications they give you.

I'd like to say I learned a shit load of lessons in that week, and I did learn one or two. But I think the important part is to not only learn those lessons but use them. I finally did get to eat Friday night after I went into the ER. I had a hot nurse that I so wanted to tie up and a Hot doctor that I so wanted to tie to the nurse. Oh the scenes that were running through my head that night. And we all know that nurses are kinky so I had half a chance with the nurse. (laughs a bit a that thought).

I've lost some of my sanity, I'm still living one hour at a time (the only difference now is I've got better pain management going on right now), and I'm still smiling for those around me. I found out that when I smile I look pretty cute, and it takes down the pain a little bit each time I smile and hug those around me. I look like a human pin cushion or junkie, I'm sure more needles will be meeting my skin this week and I'll hopefully handle them better then I did last week.

When this is done I'm sure I'll come back here, read this post, and figure out what I need to do to grow and learn from this ordeal I'm going through.

Stay safe everyone. . .and don't forget to smile.

~Raven~

There is no try.

I have to remember what I know. Two days ago that was impossible with the state I was in. Today I'm feeling selfish and lonely. A mix that I'm sure not too many people are comfortable residing in. I'm also feeling jealous creep in with those other two feelings. And it's not in a normal form for me.

I want people to know I'm with my Sir, and at the same time I am happy it being between us. So it's hard to deal with people assuming that His play partners are His girl. I want to scream: "No, it's me!! I'm with Him, He loves me." But that doesn't solve anything but making me look childish. Part of me hopes He'll correct people and say that His girl is at home cause she has to work. Why? This weekend is going to be hard enough, but now I get to suffer through work that will drag on for longer. Why? because there is nothing for me to go home to because I'm alone. Nobody to hang out with. . .nobody that I feel like hanging out with. That's me being picky.

I should just go grow more friends and just deal with things. It is what it is. Maybe my jealous comes from the fear of being forgotten. I can't think about that right now because it's not going to help my cause. My cause is figuring out how to get on with my life and not focus on the fact I'm alone.

So I write. But it's not making me feel better. I know there will be days that I won't have anyone around and I should be okay with that. When it's my choice to be alone it's one thing, when it's not my choice I wig out. I should look at this as a challenge.

I some how thing that I'm not going to rise or do this with grace. I wish I could. I wish I could go and be this great person like the people I'm reading are then I really am. I'm awkward and funny. I rise to some challenges and crumbles at others. I wish I was more consistent.

So I've written all this to come to the conclusion that I do not have a clue how to deal with these feelings but I'm willing to learn. I wanted to say 'try', but there is no try, I either learn or don't learn. Next step would be the remembering or not remembering. Okay that got a laugh out of me.

~Raven~

Getting ready for Shibaricon

Last night was so lovely. Okay, more lovely for me then Sir. He was feeling a bit under the weather. He surprised me and we had a bit of fun here and there during the night. At one point He turned to me and with the smile I know and love said: "You know how you said you wanted warning before we do rope. Consider this a warning." My face dropped slightly, I thought He meant right then and there in the middle of the night when we were both more then half asleep. "Right this second?" I asked meekly. "No, later today." He smiled and rolled back over and went to sleep leaving me with wonderful shivers and excitement.

I have been having a hard time with trust issues. I have always had trust issues. I am scared of people leaving me to an extent, most of the people I've called friends and held dear have left me, or I've left them when I've pulled my head out of my ass and saw it wasn't good for me. Now I have this healthy relationship and wonderful man in my life and I am so worried I'll do something and He'll leave. Or He'll just leave. I know I shouldn't worry, He cares about me and I care about Him. But part of me that kept me from ever wanting to be a slave and give everything over to someone has gotten a bit bigger.

I have it in my mind that hey I would love to trust someone, be with them, and give them everything I have down to my core. But what happens later on down the line, when "He" has all my money, I don't have a job, I don't have anything but Him and He kicks me to the street. Then I'm 30 something with nothing but a box to live out of and having to start all over again. The idea of having to start over is mentally crushing to me. It is the thing that scares me. I have found this great friend, lover, Sir, and most of all person. . . I don't want to not know Him. I want to be friends and have fun and be close to Him. I don't want to push hard on my trust issues because He might be scared away.

The only problem is I hurt Him with my lack of trust, He trusts me more then I trust Him and that hurts to know. So I've been mentally searching for ways to get around this wall. Maybe chop it down a bit and trim it up so that I can move forward and get closer to what I want. It may not be with Him, But that doesn't mean that I can't work towards it and learn from this relationship.

I'm going to push myself mentally and other ways to see if this wall gets into shape. The book I'm reading by Lee has helped give me ideas and thoughts as to what direction may work out well for me.

I am lucky and happy to be working on this with Sir. . . I hope I work on it fast enough and well enough.

So we're laying in bed before we decide to go get our morning coffee and I have come to terms with the idea of being 100% honest with my boss about me fucking up the schedule and I think I didn't request one day off that I needed off. So I'm gonna tell my boss just that. . . and try not to laugh about it. I think the pre-shibaricon jitters are sinking in. And it feels oh so good.

~Raven~

Learning from others.

Tis raining outside and I'm having a lazy day. No matter how many times I go to start the dishes they have yet to be totally done. So I'm just laying round talking with people, I wanted to make dinner for Sir before He goes out for the evening while I sleep.

I have the urge to make brownies but I figure I'd end up falling asleep with the oven on and really killing them or turning them into deadly tossing brownies. One hit will knock you out for days and leave you happy it only hit you're head instead of you're teeth.

I have a lovely weekend at kinko. The people who got the event together were wonderful. It was fun and I learned a bit. Although, I still have one or two questions to go over with Sir and get His opinion on. I liked the classes I did go to, and I'm kicking myself for not asking more questions. I have this mental block for asking things. So many hot girls and sexy guys. I got the chance to ask a Rigger some questions and got some really good answers and learned a lot more about rope.

It was fun to be tied and then fuck with the rigger only to be let known that I shouldn't be fucking with that person, He's slightly sadistic. Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, sure guys. . . Oh wait that hurts, oh wait that hurts oh so good. So good it's almost worrying me that I enjoyed that pain that much. If I was a sane person I'd have said fuck this that hurts I'm done. Oh no, never said raven was sane. It hurt, it twitched, and it felt so good. To be spun round on one leg with you're mind screaming you're going to fall is a bunch of fun, because you're mind cannot keep up with you're own mind let alone the fucker who is keeping the body so off balance that everything you think you know. . . you don't.

(I'm watching a show and thinking- I want a cookie, just one.)

If my body hadn't have given out and tapped out, I think I'd still days later be hanging there just cause that feeling was nice.

Now I move on to another new experience. Inner silence. When I play with Sir some of the time our energy level hooks up just right and it's an amazing ride. I think that anyone who isn't or is sane that wouldn't want to try it. Lately, I've been feeling down on myself because we haven't hooked up with rope like this in a long while, His injuries and my work. Yeah not too easy to get relaxed and pain free on top of being on the same page. One of us has to give and other take while both of us are pushing pulling. I'm not wanting to get started unless I KNOW FOR SURE that I will feel what I want to feel. Anyway, That's my fault. I should let Him lead me, after all that's what I enjoy.

We went for a ground tie instead of a suspension. I made that call at the last second. I was practicing mediation that I learned earlier in the day and something just made me want to request a ground tie. I started to feel as we were getting ready to start the scene the energy that I was longing for, I wanted to keep it up. I looked forward to it and try my hardest to hold on to it.

I am not very picky about somethings. I don't mind a bit. But If I have a goal, I've learned through this experience I should not get made when I don't tell my partner that I want to achieve this goal when something happens to stop that goal from being reached. I have in the past jumped into Sir's scenes with my friend, I know that she didn't mind, most the time I'd just hand Him things or tickle her. Or other times I'd suggest things for Sir to do. Now, she has been wanting and jumping in on our scenes when I've backed away from her scenes. I don't want to be mean and say I don't want her there. But I don't want to have to call safe word to get someone to stop. That's not how I play. I play how I play. IF you can't read my body and my tones, then you shouldn't play with me. I will call red, but you will be sore for days after I'm forced to call red.

My friend jumped in our scene and my mind just stopped. I shut down and in shutting down I let the play flow through me. I enjoyed it on a different level and it was fun. So part of me is happy I got to a new level, the other is not so happy that I still don't feel that connected with Sir in our scenes on a consistent bases.

That brings me to the end of this rather long post. Maybe I'll write more tonight about the enjoyable things of life. Hope you all have a lovely safe day. I have to continue to learn to play nice with others, this is one way I've found works to an extent.

~Raven~

Age, The past, and the brat.

Today, while driving to Sir's house from paying some of my bills, I started to think. Yes, warning: Raven was thinking. Then after I had my little tiff tonight I was thinking yet again. Two or three subjects that are tied together. First being the past and second being age. I am younger, not to brag but to state the facts of life. I do not have as much life experience as others out there. But I'm growing and learning, best of all I'm exploring. It's fun, it's painful, it's different, it's new, it's old. All those things and more;life.

Most to all of my friends are older then me. Be it a month or 20 years. It's just the way things are in my life. I don't really have a high tolerance for those that act like they are 12 years old. Now, I can act like I'm 12 all I want. LOL, just kidding. I'd like to think most of the time I act decent. (That's based on my and my friend's opinions). I started to wonder things having to do with age. I would go into detail, but it's a bit late right now and I'll write them when I have a clear idea. But I know that Sir is content with it. Yes, I'm sure I drive Him nuts once and a while acting foolish. But for the most part He likes me for me.

That brings me to the thought of my past, His past, our ex's. My one ex above the others, but they're still guilty, have shoved away my past. They were all about themselves in the now. They refused to talk about their past. No clear past and no clear future.

I'm not saying one should live in their past, I'm more along the lines of accepting where we came from and who we were to allow us to move on and grow. I don't want to live in the past. My family tends to do that, they remind me of my mistakes. Maybe in hopes that I don't repeat them. It's just they don't know that it's a pain to have someone poke and poke and poke at the nasty parts. I liked to think I've learned from my past, that I won't repeat my mistakes, and that I am better for living through what I've gone through. Like everyone else out there. . .okay most everyone. Not everyone is about learning, growing, and exploring. But I can be happy and put my rosie colored glasses for this ONE thing.

I did brat out tonight with Sir for a moment, and not in a good way. I have this problem, I could not give two shits about the 50 different ways to do one thing on computers. I cannot speak computers, so going into things I know that in this area Sir and I are on two different levels. He knows computers so well, I admire this about Him. It turns me on really. I've avoid it thus far. But I wanted to explore a new computer program and needed His help. One thing I didn't do was explain to Sir that I get frustrated with things and want to do things ONE way, I don't want to have to learn all the ways to do one thing. I also didn't tell Him that I had spent a few hours the previous day tried to remember how He showed me how to do the task.

If I would've just communicate that I wouldn't have gone to brat mode. And if Sir would've listened to my attempts instead of trying to keep showing me different ways to do things, we both would've been much better and not seen my bratty side.

Just an example of how if one tries to communicate it DOES work and saves one a head ache.

Hope ya all are keeping safe, with this wild weather around the country.

~Raven~