Sometimes we have bad days, sometimes we have good days. I don’t think I sit down and count how many good days I have so that I can keep score. I mean everything balances out in the end in some form. So why worry about some things that we cannot control and forget about some of the things we can control. I spent about 30-45 minutes taking a practice quiz online for my quiz tomorrow, then making note cards and attempting my best to study. Part of me stops and thinks, hey I bet my boyfriend didn’t have to do this when He was in school. Yeah, yeah, He was in a field of study that you didn’t have to study like I am studying right now. Note: He did have to study and work at it, I’m not saying that, I’m saying the style of studying and the work that had to be learned was slight different then my work.
Now I know I could never do what He does. First, I’m not a geek, although I am a geek fan girl. I never excelled in things that were not interactions in the way I see them. Take nursing, you interact with a whole shit load of people on many different levels. That’s my kind of thing. Going in and seeing what needs to be done and doing it. Then seeing the changes you’ve created. If I’m looking at lines in a book about how to put something together, I can’t read that in that format. So of coarse I am not going to be in those type of fields reading lines of codes or how to guides. Just not my scene.
So what the hell does this have to do with kink? Well, balance. That’s the simplest connection I can find really. I talked to Sir today about this and asked Him His opinions on a subject that really interests me. The answer came down to balance, at least how I translated what He said. Some people in life do things for themselves and they don’t really care about others in the process. Me? I don’t think I could be like that, no matter how many times in the past I’ve been accused of it. I stop and think, if even for a moment, about the outcome of my actions and how they might effect someone else. Sometimes I think more then others, again just the nature of the beast.
There are also other people who are out there doing their own thing. Now be it for whatever reason, they are just happy swimming in their damn fish pond. I think if I thought about it, my sister is kind of like this in a limited way. She knows everyone, everything, and just about anything you could want to know about the place where we both grew up. That is, she knows who is fucking who, who did what to who, and so on. It is a very extensive knowledge base. The thing I think that makes her different is she could go anywhere and do that, she just doesn’t care at this moment. She talks about moving over seas, and she talks about moving away. A lot of talk but I think someday she just might do it. Hell, she got married and we were all betting against that (funny thing is, she’s still married).
But there are lots of people out there in the kink world who have their own style or M/O. Sometimes I sit back and watch. That’s one thing that I am not recognized for or maybe I am and I just don’t know it yet. I really do like to sit and watch how people interact on a social level in the kink world. It’s not fair to put people into boxes and I am not doing that. I’m just taking a few examples and making some mental connections. There are those people who are so graceful. That’s what I call it anyway. They go into a room, do their thing, smile/laugh/have fun, and go on to the next thing.
Part of me wonders of those people are dancers. Because the ones I’ve seen and met are in the very least performers. I don’t mean they get up and dance on cue or that they are a trained money to spin the turn crank. I mean they light up the room and bring a great energy into the scene and do it so gracefully it usually leaves me speechless. Beyond that it leaves me looking inward at myself to better myself not grumble about oh how I wish I could be them. Because in all honesty I could be that graceful person that brightens up the room. I know when I met my Sir the second time I was that person who just bounced across the room and gave Him the biggest hug. I made His night and He made mine. Not to down play that, but to me in my mind that’s “small scale”. The people I am talking about do that on a larger scale. Not saying that one is better then the other, because both are special and take special people. But if I knew how to extend myself and brighten up more then one person’s room at a time, I would.
I want this world to be a positive place for growth and other things. I think that there are very special people out there working hard to make that world expand and reach more people who may feel lost in the dark. For many years I was one of those people who was lost in the dark and feeling so far down I didn’t know what way I was going or who I was deep down inside. Part of me wants to explain and let more people in to that time period so they can better understand me. And with that comes another view point for them. Yes, we go through good days and bad, but knowing that we aren’t the only ones gives us a connection. A point to grow on and to hopefully pull us towards something that helps us grow as a person.
I got asked in a phone interview once, “So, is there anything about having kink in your life that has made it hard?” The person asked me that question many different times in many different ways. Trying to get me to say something like : “yes, I feel bad I’m a freak because the mainstream just tears me apart.” That’s not the case for me. Maybe cause I’m half in and half out. Hell my picture is posted on enough kinky sites anyway. For me, being kinky is just part of who I am and I refuse to feel bad for it. Sometimes I doubt myself and my choices, who doesn’t? But the guy didn’t understand what he was asking. He might have well asked a man born at birth blind, if he regretted never seeing the colors of a sunset. That man has never seen so he doesn’t know what he is missing. I’ve never been the mainstream type girl. I never fit into groups that were considered “normal” by the mainstream media or people who live in that type of life.
I don’t know what it’s like to go to prom, I don’t know what it’s like to be a popular cheerleader (although I do know what it’s like to tackle a cheerleader in flag football). Those things I will never know because part of me doesn’t really care to know. Do I want a house with a white picket fence and neighbors to come over on the weekend while my stud of a husband cooks meat on the grill? Well, as long as I have a dungeon in the basement, frequent flier miles, and my neighbors (at least some of them) are kinky too. Then that “American Dream” might be bearable for me.
~Raven~
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