Last night was so lovely. Okay, more lovely for me then Sir. He was feeling a bit under the weather. He surprised me and we had a bit of fun here and there during the night. At one point He turned to me and with the smile I know and love said: "You know how you said you wanted warning before we do rope. Consider this a warning." My face dropped slightly, I thought He meant right then and there in the middle of the night when we were both more then half asleep. "Right this second?" I asked meekly. "No, later today." He smiled and rolled back over and went to sleep leaving me with wonderful shivers and excitement.
I have been having a hard time with trust issues. I have always had trust issues. I am scared of people leaving me to an extent, most of the people I've called friends and held dear have left me, or I've left them when I've pulled my head out of my ass and saw it wasn't good for me. Now I have this healthy relationship and wonderful man in my life and I am so worried I'll do something and He'll leave. Or He'll just leave. I know I shouldn't worry, He cares about me and I care about Him. But part of me that kept me from ever wanting to be a slave and give everything over to someone has gotten a bit bigger.
I have it in my mind that hey I would love to trust someone, be with them, and give them everything I have down to my core. But what happens later on down the line, when "He" has all my money, I don't have a job, I don't have anything but Him and He kicks me to the street. Then I'm 30 something with nothing but a box to live out of and having to start all over again. The idea of having to start over is mentally crushing to me. It is the thing that scares me. I have found this great friend, lover, Sir, and most of all person. . . I don't want to not know Him. I want to be friends and have fun and be close to Him. I don't want to push hard on my trust issues because He might be scared away.
The only problem is I hurt Him with my lack of trust, He trusts me more then I trust Him and that hurts to know. So I've been mentally searching for ways to get around this wall. Maybe chop it down a bit and trim it up so that I can move forward and get closer to what I want. It may not be with Him, But that doesn't mean that I can't work towards it and learn from this relationship.
I'm going to push myself mentally and other ways to see if this wall gets into shape. The book I'm reading by Lee has helped give me ideas and thoughts as to what direction may work out well for me.
I am lucky and happy to be working on this with Sir. . . I hope I work on it fast enough and well enough.
So we're laying in bed before we decide to go get our morning coffee and I have come to terms with the idea of being 100% honest with my boss about me fucking up the schedule and I think I didn't request one day off that I needed off. So I'm gonna tell my boss just that. . . and try not to laugh about it. I think the pre-shibaricon jitters are sinking in. And it feels oh so good.
~Raven~
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