Last night was a night filled with flash backs. From the dreams I’ve been having lately, the surgery I had last month, to the scenes I’ve watched. It’s been one roller coaster of feelings and thoughts. This afternoon I was really rather upset over something that I had no control over. On top of that life isn’t fair so there really is no use in getting so upset over that fact. Maybe it has to do with how we feel about our loved ones that makes us more upset over the fact life isn’t fair. I can take a good bit of shit in my life, sure I don’t always handle it with style and grace. But I do handle it.
When I was in my teens I stopped asking “why me?” when bad things happened. I started looking at it as, well if it wasn’t me then it’d be someone else. Maybe that person wouldn’t be able to handle it. That out look grew. Now I’d rather it be me getting the shit happening to then my friends. I can cry, I have a shoulder to lean on and ask for help from. I have more then one shoulder. These things help me and when I’m so far down I can’t even look up I’m reminded that “if it wasn’t me, it’d be someone else.” I know people have seen me at very bad moments. I’ve snapped at people when I was sick.
It got to a point this summer where people who knew me casually couldn’t even talk to me. There was really only one person that could talk to me and I’d listen to them. But my casual friends still attempted to help me, to which I thank them for trying. The point where I was almost truly defeated was the loneliest point. Yes, other people out there have had surgeries and illnesses. It’s when you’re scared and you’re fighting to find out what’s wrong with you but loosing that battle that the mind starts slipping into a darker area. You don’t care about what other people have gone through or that they might have it harder then you are having it. Those things really do go out the window. When you don’t know if you’ll ever get better again because for months the doctors don’t communicate with you is when the break downs happen. Some people it happen sooner, some people it happen later, and hell for some it never even happens.
Trying to get me to remember that others have suffered and been in the amount of pain I was in was not a productive task. It felt like these friends of mine were saying I couldn’t even have a moment to cry and release these feelings to them. Like I had to put on a happy face to save them from hearing about how much I was scared, how much I hurt. That happens a good bit in my life with my friends. I’ll listen and listen long and hard to their thoughts, feelings, and so on. But as soon as I start talking about something they don’t want to her I get the same form of lines. “Oh, you’re always having a bad time.”
That was one of the flash backs and pet peeves of mine. Part of me still thinks I am this weak person because of what my causal friends have told me as well as my family. There was really only one person who was there for me and watched me suffer. And the looks on His face made me want to cry but instead I smiled. I know He likes my smile. I knew if I smiled and did my best that He wouldn’t hurt as much. He, as my lover and best friend, saw me at my most horrid moment in life and didn’t run away. He didn’t play off my pain or tell me I was wrong for bitching. When I wanted to give up He supported me and showed me the reasons I should be proud of myself. That, to me, is what a friend does and what I strive to do for others.
After going to the movies and attempting to find shoes for me we got home. Have to admit I felt like a bus hit me. At that moment another flash back to when I was in the hospital hit me. I can’t say that I wanted to cry, more like I was amazed at myself. When I tell people “ I have no shame”, I really mean it. I got up to my hospital room from surgery. I had to pee really badly. The nurse smiled and said good well you can walk to the bathroom and then into bed. My mother and father were there as well. Yes, my relationship with my mother is not the best, but I was so freaking happy to see her because it showed me share cared enough to show up. Also she was a nurse and I knew she’d help me while she was there.
I sat up, that was fine. I stood up, that was not so fine. I took a few steps and the nausea hit me so hard. My mother hand my arm and I started moving as fast as I could toward the bathroom. I sat down thinking that hey now that I’m sitting again I’ll not feel so sick. Not the case at all. The aid was holding me up, my mother ran and got the basin, and I puked a good five times as I was held up. Again, let me restate, after that I have no shame left. Cause at that moment I also found out I started my period. Thank god I was on very good drugs.
I had almost the same feeling tonight. Felt like I got hit by a bus, head pounding, stomach hurting, and of coarse mother nature right on time to just make things extra special yet again. As I write this I have a slight smile on my lips and chuckle in my heart. If I can laugh at this and talk about these things, I’m not the same person I was 5 years ago. I’m not the same person I was 6 months ago.
Nobody had been with me on this path as long as I have been. My one friend, goddess bless Him, has told me how I act at times. Being totally honest with me and I thank Him for that honesty. Even He doesn’t see where I’ve come from and how far I have come. He helps me be aware of when I’m slipping backwards and tells me up from when I’m being a bitch. That’s what friends are for as well. Even though He can’t be as proud as I can be of me blooming into this new person, He can still help me be aware of my own patterns.
My dream from the night before haunted me on and off yesterday. It wasn’t as bad as some of my dreams can get, yes Stephen King would be oh so fucking proud of the shit I dream. It was just very unnerving. I can only remember three parts to the dream. But those three parts flashed through my mind and gave me goose bumps. Maybe I would’ve been better if I had dreamt about killers and being hunted. At least I get off in those dreams.
To a more enjoyable flashback of the evening. I go out to dungeons fairly frequently as well as well as events. I am lucky enough to met a wide verity of people. This is where I admit I am slightly a voyeur. When I first went to a dungeon my eyes almost fell out of their little sockets. That still happens when I go to new places. I am getting better at knowing where I want to look and refining myself so I don’t look ogling eyed.
Many different types of things I enjoy. One is watching a D/s couple play. There is something about watching the energy between two people who have a deep bond. I wish I could have the beautiful words to describe the beautiful mental images that comes to mind when I think of the couples I’ve seen at play. The play and protocols that some people have in their relationship amaze me. I find it totally beautiful even if it appears foreign to me.
There are all sorts of other types of play out there between different levels of relationships. At this moment I still have to say my favorite to watch is the one I mentioned above. I watched two friends play down in D.C. It was almost like a dance in a way, between the two of them you could see the connection. I seen a few other scenes that night that were okay, but not the same. I had a unsettling moment when someone I knew in the scene, but had never seen play before, started a "hot" scene.
That scene was lovely enough for most people, there was a crowd that came over to watch and I nearly got stepped on a few times from my spot. I looked to see what they were watching. I have the feeling that this was a case of an impressive person doing a scene with a “hot” chick. I liked most of what I saw but there were parts that just didn’t do anything for me. I was unhappy with myself, as a person who likes to watch, that I was not totally blown away by this "hot" scene that everyone else seemed to gather around. The part that I understand was myself being more turned on and excited by seeing my friends.
Maybe I had a connection with them. Maybe they were doing play I enjoy more. But I think it comes down to what I heard at the GRUE earlier in the day. GrayDancer read an email from someone, that was very well written about a topic that touched on what I saw. Using my own words to sum it up, there are people out there who go and put on a show for others. These people aren’t bad in my own opinion but it comes off with less of a feeling. The connection that two people have when the world “fades away”, that is something that not many people focus on as of late.
Watching my friends play, they gave the shadows back to me. Their play was pure, deep, and meaningful between them. There were no rules that they had to follow except their own. Nobody else mattered but their partner and they had their shadows as part of their play. That moves me to tears. I know what that feels like and it doesn’t matter if you’re the “hot rigger” with the “hot chick” to “look good”. The energy between two people, that’s what makes it hot for me when I watch.
A evening and night filled with flashbacks, smiles, laughs, hard moments, and mixed emotions. That sums up just about everyday really. But yesterday, it felt more intense or I was just very much more aware of it. The best way to end those days is with a good cuddle. Be it with my lover, my favorite pillow, or my loved blankey, a cuddle really does set the mind at ease.
~Raven~
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