Today is a lovely day. I’m at school, where I usually keep to myself. It’s not that I don’t want to go and join the groups they have here. It’s just my life is so busy already and I tend to be anti-social in these settings. It takes a good bit to get me out of being anti-social some days.
I’ve come so far as a person and know I still need to go further. I feel proud of myself when I look back on my path. Even at the not so good points I’m still pushing forward and trying my hardest. Really, I don’t have a choice in the matter. Time moves forward, like it or not. At the moment I figure I really need to get on some things in my personal life, but one thing at a time.
One: My car needs fixed. It’s closer then it was before and I am hopeful that it’ll be fixed soon. My Sir gave me a heart attack this morning. He said my car never got the new stickers on it. I freaked out because I still don’t know what happens when I loose those stickers. I’m sure you can get replacements. But I have yet to loose a set. Granted I’ve only been doing this stuff for 4 years now, I’m sure I’ll run into this problem later. Better now when I have the great support of my Sir. To sum up One: my car did have it’s stickers on, Sir just was looking at the wrong car and my car is getting fixed soon.
At times we go through mental periods of “what the hell is this person doing with me?” Both of us do it, so I guess that makes me feel better I’m not the only one who does it. At times it gets me down because I am so bad with words. How can I tell this person I think they are a good person and I love them for who they are? I wish I could speak beautiful words expressing how much He means to me. It usually just comes out as “shut up, (hand over His mouth), I love You for You. You might not see it, but I do.” He does the same thing for me. I call those my wake up calls. That I am a good person, no matter how much I want to be a better person. He sees me as beautiful when I feel like a beached whale on the sofa. That thought makes me laugh, because the more I am with Him and my friends, the less I feel like that.
The other day we got to go out with our friend to the sushi bar. I got drunk and ended up drooling on myself a few times. At one point we went outside and her plants are doing lovely. I am so in awe at her gardening skills. When I finally remembered I needed to use the restroom, I crawled up the stairs. I am not sure how I got down the stairs. About half way down I got to see a small take down scene. Yes, I promised myself I would never do resistance or take down play again, but damn watching them made me excited. I know I can’t do that, but hell I could watch it all night long.
Sitting here writing this blog as I listening to two men talk about their math classes and teachers. I always did find that amusing about college. You can clearly get a lot of information about teachers, classes, and many other things. It’s like writing on the bathroom stalls here. That amuses me as well. There is this one stall in west hall, female bathroom. I started reading it about a year or so ago now. And every few weeks there’d be more added to it. But the part that made me smile was I always thought of myself as a “bigger girl”, but I liked the end stall the best even though it was a smaller stall. When I first started reading the writing it was about how fucking small this stall is, it’s stupid, ect. Then someone wrote that the “fat chick” stall is two over. That made me laugh only because I no longer by that skinny bitch’s definition am fat. I am still waiting to drop something in the toilet by accident.
That’s the thing about college and this campus. I have an easier time on observing people. I wish I could take this skill set and take it to the kink world. At this moment, I tend to second guess my reading someone and that bothers me. I know Sir is really good at it. He’s got a few years of practice on me thought. Can’t His skills just rub off on me while we’re fucking?
As I’m listening to them talk, I went back and looked at my previous blog post and it struck me that I was referring to mainly guys out there. When it comes to females, I think the basics are the same. By basics I mean have passion for something, be thoughtful, open, and so on down that list. As for females though, that’s a different beast. I find for the most part that the females I end up enjoying being around don’t go near the driving me nuts line as much as the men.
I think that is one reason why at times I just want to sit and relax with a female. Say something or just sitting there smoking listening to her talk. All sorts of things that are at times more enjoyable with a female. For me anyway. This doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy men just as much. There are times when I just want to be around the guys and chill. I haven’t dated a female in a long time now. Mainly, I think, because I miss my ex girlfriend so much. I enjoyed the times we had together, even though we were “long distance”. She lived about 5-6 hours away from me. I have this worry that I’ll be so focused on what I had, that I won’t be able to see what’s in front of me when it does show up.
I’m not actively out there seeking a female partner. This bleeds into my feelings about people who just have blinders on and don’t see everything that is happening around them. They think they know what they want and they want it now. No journey to get to that good place, no relaxing time. They just want someone to show up and hand them the relationship of their dreams. Hard work? Forget it. Tears and sad moments? Nope, they are jumping ship. And it goes on and on. I know this because I’ve went through it as well. Once I slowed down, enjoyed each day for what it had to offer, loved each person in my life for who they were, and relaxed about my “plans for the future” life got a lot better for me. That’s where I’m at and still looking to find more ways of walking down the path I am on currently.
It’s windy here at school today. I almost wonder if it’s going to rain or not; my hope is for the rain. As time goes on it gets easier to blend and balance my life. The observations made this afternoon will help down the road, be it in the kink world, college world, or any other world I wonder into in this life.
~Raven~
No comments:
Post a Comment