There is no try.

I have to remember what I know. Two days ago that was impossible with the state I was in. Today I'm feeling selfish and lonely. A mix that I'm sure not too many people are comfortable residing in. I'm also feeling jealous creep in with those other two feelings. And it's not in a normal form for me.

I want people to know I'm with my Sir, and at the same time I am happy it being between us. So it's hard to deal with people assuming that His play partners are His girl. I want to scream: "No, it's me!! I'm with Him, He loves me." But that doesn't solve anything but making me look childish. Part of me hopes He'll correct people and say that His girl is at home cause she has to work. Why? This weekend is going to be hard enough, but now I get to suffer through work that will drag on for longer. Why? because there is nothing for me to go home to because I'm alone. Nobody to hang out with. . .nobody that I feel like hanging out with. That's me being picky.

I should just go grow more friends and just deal with things. It is what it is. Maybe my jealous comes from the fear of being forgotten. I can't think about that right now because it's not going to help my cause. My cause is figuring out how to get on with my life and not focus on the fact I'm alone.

So I write. But it's not making me feel better. I know there will be days that I won't have anyone around and I should be okay with that. When it's my choice to be alone it's one thing, when it's not my choice I wig out. I should look at this as a challenge.

I some how thing that I'm not going to rise or do this with grace. I wish I could. I wish I could go and be this great person like the people I'm reading are then I really am. I'm awkward and funny. I rise to some challenges and crumbles at others. I wish I was more consistent.

So I've written all this to come to the conclusion that I do not have a clue how to deal with these feelings but I'm willing to learn. I wanted to say 'try', but there is no try, I either learn or don't learn. Next step would be the remembering or not remembering. Okay that got a laugh out of me.

~Raven~