I've been reading a book by Lee Harrington for a few weeks now on and off. Making some notes and looking at myself closely. There are so many things I'd like to cover but being in the middle of something is often not the best time to start this type of undertaking. But I wanted to take a minute, while I'm laying here naked and thinking, to tell about some important lessons I'm in the process of learning, as well as talk about parts of why I'm not a social butterfly at this moment.
Harrington talks about the "ordeal" path in his book. This path called to me to learn and think about it more. To challenge myself because I've become rather stuck in a mental rut that I needed out of. One thing mentioned in this area is that sometimes Ordeals aren't our choice, they are put on us by life's happenings. I have to admit I was happy with the idea of pushing myself when I was ready, I didn't have a clue what was to come or that my body was going to put me through an ordeal of it's own. When I think back to the first part of what's happened to me, I handled it not as gracefully as I picture most people handling their body shutting down. I think a lot of the time I was either screaming crying out for help (that nobody could provide at that time) or I was inwardly asking the goddess for help.
I didn't once ask "why me?" like so many my do when bad things happen. Partly because I expect them to happen, they are a part of life just like the good times and happy things. But also I just haven't bothered to ask that question because when I was younger I asked myself: If it's not me going through this hell, it'd be someone else, so why not me? That was and mostly has been my logic for getting through painful and bad times.
Part of me wishes that my ordeal is over, it's been over a week now with no end in site, but I have to take it one hour at a time now. It will be over when it is meant to be over. I will either be better and walking round with a huge smile on my face like I was Friday night, or there will be other out comes that I haven't thought of yet. Not that I'm this positive happy go lucky bitch, no;far from it. But I choose to attempt to be that happy go lucky ungraceful bitch.
With out my friends, I wouldn't have made it this far. I started this blog off to talk about my relationships and the one with my BF, well He's a great guy who kept me sane when my body turned me insane. I'm sure that cost Him a bit of His sanity as well. We have conversations from time to time that are about off topics. One being that He's in a different age group then me, and He says that He's more likely to end up in the hospital and I'm more likely to end up dying quickly in an accident. That's the only reason I know I'm not dying right now. Because young people usually die quickly in accidents and I'm in too much pain and it's been too long to consider this dying quickly. I know, the logic in that is pretty weak, but It makes sense to me.
I went to bed Saturday morning for a few hours. I woke up not hungry at all. so I didn't eat all day and didn't think of it. I joked about it in a chat room I was in at that time, and they told me to go eat cause it's not good to starve yourself. I ate one of those TV healthy choice dinners. It hit my stomach wrong, I ate it slowly and nibbles but it still hurt. That was the start of my 6 days. That evening I went out and got dinner for both of us, I had the same feeling while eating that food as well. The next morning I didn't eat, and I can't recall eating much of anything till the next day. I made fish for lunch cause I have a thing for fish at this moment. Then I called the doctors cause the discomfort I had felt for 2 days was turning into pain. Went in and they ordered me tests. Every day from Monday till Friday I was in the doctor's office or in the testing center. That fish lunch was the last thing I ate that week. By Wednesday I stopped drinking as well. Apparently when you tell the doctors you are having pain in your stomach they take that as nausea and heart burn. Even when you tell them it feels like there is a knife cutting up your stomach from the inside out, it's the same medications they give you.
I'd like to say I learned a shit load of lessons in that week, and I did learn one or two. But I think the important part is to not only learn those lessons but use them. I finally did get to eat Friday night after I went into the ER. I had a hot nurse that I so wanted to tie up and a Hot doctor that I so wanted to tie to the nurse. Oh the scenes that were running through my head that night. And we all know that nurses are kinky so I had half a chance with the nurse. (laughs a bit a that thought).
I've lost some of my sanity, I'm still living one hour at a time (the only difference now is I've got better pain management going on right now), and I'm still smiling for those around me. I found out that when I smile I look pretty cute, and it takes down the pain a little bit each time I smile and hug those around me. I look like a human pin cushion or junkie, I'm sure more needles will be meeting my skin this week and I'll hopefully handle them better then I did last week.
When this is done I'm sure I'll come back here, read this post, and figure out what I need to do to grow and learn from this ordeal I'm going through.
Stay safe everyone. . .and don't forget to smile.
~Raven~
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