I have to say, that I have put off writing about anything for a while now because I have had no focus, I have not had something that moved me to write and post what I’ve written. But I wanted to write this story of events for myself so I can keep it fresh and enjoy reliving it.
I went to classes for a few days and listened to people talk. I saw a few faces I knew and had seen play before so I knew that they had an idea of what they were doing/talking about. I finally some how grew a back bone and asked what I wanted to ask to a presenter. It simply came down to this: How can I get past my own mind when it keeps telling me I cannot be suspended. He was nice and sat down and talked with me for a few minutes about it. The answer was rather simple and one I didn’t want to hear because I already knew it but didn’t want to admit it.
First, there is no try, I am either going to be suspended or not. Second, It can be done if I trust the person doing it. Third, it’s going to be different/uncomfortable/ not pleasant. At this point I side track to mention I agree with the fact that the female body was made to with stand and take pain. Babies, PMS, and men prove that point clearly. So I know I like a bit of pain, but I don’t consider myself a pain slut. The tools were given to me and I walked outside for a smoke.
My partner was there and I was very nervous clearly. Puffed away two smokes before I told Him what was on my mind. It was so simple yet I had such a hard time saying it. {flashback} Earlier that night I had a bad feeling and had told Him I wanted to pass on playing that night. I didn’t know what was wrong with me, I wanted to play but something in the back of my mind wasn’t right. I was almost in tears when I told Him what I was feeling. {back to current part} By the end of the second smoke I was able to collect myself enough to tell Him simply: “You are going to suspend me tonight. Let me know when You are ready.”
Yeah, I’ve got to give control up to this person who I just told Him what He’s going to do. Can we say I have control issues? (laughs). Being aware of those issues allows me to work on them and move forward. He smiles His great amazing smile and takes my hand. Down to the dungeons we go. We searched out a few rooms and sat in one room that was smaller. Waiting and waiting made me worried. What if I loose my resolve to do this? What If I start over thinking all this stuff? That was my biggest problem. Over thinking everything.
He went off to look over the dungeons again to look for a rig. He found one and came back and got me. As I walked behind Him I started to watch my breathing. I was breathing too rapidly. I needed to relax. Not think. Slowing down the breathing. I usually watch Him set things up and start tying. This time I didn’t. I couldn’t or I wouldn’t be able to do this task. I looked at the ground and focused on my breathing and Him. I heard the click of His ring going up. Yes, it was the largest of the dungeons, but some things you notice. Things that get you excited at what is coming next. He moved me backwards under the ring and put my hands up on the ring. I looked over at Him and said “you can tie my hands, you can do it however you want.”
I know my partner likes to have hands tie, it’s a control thing. And I’ve had such a hard time with that in the past. I wanted to have Him do it however He wanted, I wanted Him to get His kicks. He smiled, kissed me, and said no, He wanted to do it this way. I smiled and nodded. Then the focus came into play. I kept my eyes are my arms and at a place between my elbows. I didn’t watch the ropes go on, I didn’t pay attention to the order. I just enjoyed the feeling of them touching my skin and focused harder on clearing my mind. Focus on not focusing. That’s the concept. I kept going with it.
I heard a nose from the side. I thought oh, someone’s having fun. Then went back to focusing and things faded away again. I heard a louder nose from the same side. Wow, I’m sure they’re having a good time. Back to what I needed to do. Then this sound I’ve never heard before. So loud and I just had to turn my head. What I saw was something of pure beauty. I couldn’t turn my eyes away. I watched for maybe a minute before I was almost in tears. I was blinking the tears away after two minutes. The scene was so moving and beautiful. It made me forget where I was at and what I was about to do.
Then I came back to what my scene was and did as I was told. Lean back. The ropes didn’t pinch or make me want to scream this time around. Instead I felt my body relax into the ropes and I was suspended. It was so much more then I thought it would be. Again almost in tears over how happy I was to be able to do this task. I had climbed the mountain that had been haunting me for weeks/months. My fears had faded away in the ropes and I was in a state of pure happiness. He blindfolded me and tied my hands up the ropes. He started to tie my foot when I felt a wave of nausea. I notice I do get that way when something suddenly isn’t right with my body. I told Him and He got me up and I felt like I was still flying. I wanted to dance in His arms to the music but I’m sure I would’ve fallen on my face. My legs were unsteady and felt like jello.
It was something that I totally enjoyed doing. Suspension went from something that haunted me to something that was a new twisted enjoyment.
I wanted to share this for a few reasons. One, it was pretty amazing for me. And Two I have read a thread about loud noses and people being angry about their scene being interrupted. I talked with my partner about the loud scene after we got back to the hotel room. My comment went more like: “OMFG DID YOU SEE THAT AMAZING SCENE THAT XXXXX WAS DOING?! IT WAS SO BEAUTIFULLY MOVING AND JUST MADE ME SPEECHLESS.” Yeah, I was taken out of my scene. . .but I cannot think of a better way to be taken out of a scene then to see something that was so beautiful and opened my own eyes to a world that I have been missing. A new way of thinking and feeling . . . That was the highlight of my shibaricon. To be suspended and to witness a scene that moved me in a way that I’ve not been moved ever by a scene, not even by one I’ve done.
Notes:
I wrote this post a long time ago but never thought to post it in my blog. I tend to have a back log on my posts. Lots of writing that needs touched up and what not before I post it. but this one is lovely enough to add to this collection. I should also take a moment to talk about kitty play party I went to at shibaricon. That was the most fun I've ever had in that setting. I always thought I was odd and not able to mix my love of ropes and kitty play. Hell, before last year I didn't know that kitty play had a name. It was just me getting in touch with a part of me that I enjoy.
But the party, Hosted by Physchkat, was the best EVER, I also have to thank Jack and His friends for all they did as well for the party. LOVED the lazier pointer. . . I was so far and deep into kitty space it was totally lovely. I was floating. Even after when I went for a smoke out side in front of the hotel, I was still in kitty space. I saw a wrapper go floating across the pavement and almost jumped after it. Thankfully I had a little self control.
Thanks to everyone, 1,000 thanks to the staff and everyone who helped at shibaricon. Totally loved it.
~Raven~
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