Getting ready for Shibaricon

Last night was so lovely. Okay, more lovely for me then Sir. He was feeling a bit under the weather. He surprised me and we had a bit of fun here and there during the night. At one point He turned to me and with the smile I know and love said: "You know how you said you wanted warning before we do rope. Consider this a warning." My face dropped slightly, I thought He meant right then and there in the middle of the night when we were both more then half asleep. "Right this second?" I asked meekly. "No, later today." He smiled and rolled back over and went to sleep leaving me with wonderful shivers and excitement.

I have been having a hard time with trust issues. I have always had trust issues. I am scared of people leaving me to an extent, most of the people I've called friends and held dear have left me, or I've left them when I've pulled my head out of my ass and saw it wasn't good for me. Now I have this healthy relationship and wonderful man in my life and I am so worried I'll do something and He'll leave. Or He'll just leave. I know I shouldn't worry, He cares about me and I care about Him. But part of me that kept me from ever wanting to be a slave and give everything over to someone has gotten a bit bigger.

I have it in my mind that hey I would love to trust someone, be with them, and give them everything I have down to my core. But what happens later on down the line, when "He" has all my money, I don't have a job, I don't have anything but Him and He kicks me to the street. Then I'm 30 something with nothing but a box to live out of and having to start all over again. The idea of having to start over is mentally crushing to me. It is the thing that scares me. I have found this great friend, lover, Sir, and most of all person. . . I don't want to not know Him. I want to be friends and have fun and be close to Him. I don't want to push hard on my trust issues because He might be scared away.

The only problem is I hurt Him with my lack of trust, He trusts me more then I trust Him and that hurts to know. So I've been mentally searching for ways to get around this wall. Maybe chop it down a bit and trim it up so that I can move forward and get closer to what I want. It may not be with Him, But that doesn't mean that I can't work towards it and learn from this relationship.

I'm going to push myself mentally and other ways to see if this wall gets into shape. The book I'm reading by Lee has helped give me ideas and thoughts as to what direction may work out well for me.

I am lucky and happy to be working on this with Sir. . . I hope I work on it fast enough and well enough.

So we're laying in bed before we decide to go get our morning coffee and I have come to terms with the idea of being 100% honest with my boss about me fucking up the schedule and I think I didn't request one day off that I needed off. So I'm gonna tell my boss just that. . . and try not to laugh about it. I think the pre-shibaricon jitters are sinking in. And it feels oh so good.

~Raven~

Learning from others.

Tis raining outside and I'm having a lazy day. No matter how many times I go to start the dishes they have yet to be totally done. So I'm just laying round talking with people, I wanted to make dinner for Sir before He goes out for the evening while I sleep.

I have the urge to make brownies but I figure I'd end up falling asleep with the oven on and really killing them or turning them into deadly tossing brownies. One hit will knock you out for days and leave you happy it only hit you're head instead of you're teeth.

I have a lovely weekend at kinko. The people who got the event together were wonderful. It was fun and I learned a bit. Although, I still have one or two questions to go over with Sir and get His opinion on. I liked the classes I did go to, and I'm kicking myself for not asking more questions. I have this mental block for asking things. So many hot girls and sexy guys. I got the chance to ask a Rigger some questions and got some really good answers and learned a lot more about rope.

It was fun to be tied and then fuck with the rigger only to be let known that I shouldn't be fucking with that person, He's slightly sadistic. Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, sure guys. . . Oh wait that hurts, oh wait that hurts oh so good. So good it's almost worrying me that I enjoyed that pain that much. If I was a sane person I'd have said fuck this that hurts I'm done. Oh no, never said raven was sane. It hurt, it twitched, and it felt so good. To be spun round on one leg with you're mind screaming you're going to fall is a bunch of fun, because you're mind cannot keep up with you're own mind let alone the fucker who is keeping the body so off balance that everything you think you know. . . you don't.

(I'm watching a show and thinking- I want a cookie, just one.)

If my body hadn't have given out and tapped out, I think I'd still days later be hanging there just cause that feeling was nice.

Now I move on to another new experience. Inner silence. When I play with Sir some of the time our energy level hooks up just right and it's an amazing ride. I think that anyone who isn't or is sane that wouldn't want to try it. Lately, I've been feeling down on myself because we haven't hooked up with rope like this in a long while, His injuries and my work. Yeah not too easy to get relaxed and pain free on top of being on the same page. One of us has to give and other take while both of us are pushing pulling. I'm not wanting to get started unless I KNOW FOR SURE that I will feel what I want to feel. Anyway, That's my fault. I should let Him lead me, after all that's what I enjoy.

We went for a ground tie instead of a suspension. I made that call at the last second. I was practicing mediation that I learned earlier in the day and something just made me want to request a ground tie. I started to feel as we were getting ready to start the scene the energy that I was longing for, I wanted to keep it up. I looked forward to it and try my hardest to hold on to it.

I am not very picky about somethings. I don't mind a bit. But If I have a goal, I've learned through this experience I should not get made when I don't tell my partner that I want to achieve this goal when something happens to stop that goal from being reached. I have in the past jumped into Sir's scenes with my friend, I know that she didn't mind, most the time I'd just hand Him things or tickle her. Or other times I'd suggest things for Sir to do. Now, she has been wanting and jumping in on our scenes when I've backed away from her scenes. I don't want to be mean and say I don't want her there. But I don't want to have to call safe word to get someone to stop. That's not how I play. I play how I play. IF you can't read my body and my tones, then you shouldn't play with me. I will call red, but you will be sore for days after I'm forced to call red.

My friend jumped in our scene and my mind just stopped. I shut down and in shutting down I let the play flow through me. I enjoyed it on a different level and it was fun. So part of me is happy I got to a new level, the other is not so happy that I still don't feel that connected with Sir in our scenes on a consistent bases.

That brings me to the end of this rather long post. Maybe I'll write more tonight about the enjoyable things of life. Hope you all have a lovely safe day. I have to continue to learn to play nice with others, this is one way I've found works to an extent.

~Raven~

Age, The past, and the brat.

Today, while driving to Sir's house from paying some of my bills, I started to think. Yes, warning: Raven was thinking. Then after I had my little tiff tonight I was thinking yet again. Two or three subjects that are tied together. First being the past and second being age. I am younger, not to brag but to state the facts of life. I do not have as much life experience as others out there. But I'm growing and learning, best of all I'm exploring. It's fun, it's painful, it's different, it's new, it's old. All those things and more;life.

Most to all of my friends are older then me. Be it a month or 20 years. It's just the way things are in my life. I don't really have a high tolerance for those that act like they are 12 years old. Now, I can act like I'm 12 all I want. LOL, just kidding. I'd like to think most of the time I act decent. (That's based on my and my friend's opinions). I started to wonder things having to do with age. I would go into detail, but it's a bit late right now and I'll write them when I have a clear idea. But I know that Sir is content with it. Yes, I'm sure I drive Him nuts once and a while acting foolish. But for the most part He likes me for me.

That brings me to the thought of my past, His past, our ex's. My one ex above the others, but they're still guilty, have shoved away my past. They were all about themselves in the now. They refused to talk about their past. No clear past and no clear future.

I'm not saying one should live in their past, I'm more along the lines of accepting where we came from and who we were to allow us to move on and grow. I don't want to live in the past. My family tends to do that, they remind me of my mistakes. Maybe in hopes that I don't repeat them. It's just they don't know that it's a pain to have someone poke and poke and poke at the nasty parts. I liked to think I've learned from my past, that I won't repeat my mistakes, and that I am better for living through what I've gone through. Like everyone else out there. . .okay most everyone. Not everyone is about learning, growing, and exploring. But I can be happy and put my rosie colored glasses for this ONE thing.

I did brat out tonight with Sir for a moment, and not in a good way. I have this problem, I could not give two shits about the 50 different ways to do one thing on computers. I cannot speak computers, so going into things I know that in this area Sir and I are on two different levels. He knows computers so well, I admire this about Him. It turns me on really. I've avoid it thus far. But I wanted to explore a new computer program and needed His help. One thing I didn't do was explain to Sir that I get frustrated with things and want to do things ONE way, I don't want to have to learn all the ways to do one thing. I also didn't tell Him that I had spent a few hours the previous day tried to remember how He showed me how to do the task.

If I would've just communicate that I wouldn't have gone to brat mode. And if Sir would've listened to my attempts instead of trying to keep showing me different ways to do things, we both would've been much better and not seen my bratty side.

Just an example of how if one tries to communicate it DOES work and saves one a head ache.

Hope ya all are keeping safe, with this wild weather around the country.

~Raven~

happy while recovering

I know there are 2 things I say a lot. 1. My friends are the best ever, they are so great. And 2. My Sir is so really cool and amazing. Part of it is He really is a great guy who some days doesn’t know how great He is, the other part is I’ve been with real assholes that have fucked me over in almost every way a guy can fuck one over. So knowing what I don’t want makes me thankful for finding a good part of what I want. The rest is just working it out and communication. I’m sure at this point with as much as I feel the need to reach out to Him and attempt to explain my feelings and wanting to hear about His, He should be close to sick of the concept. Lol.

Moving on, I was very sick yesterday. I was sicker then the damn dog. Stumbling around, crying, blowing my nose and puking my lungs out. Sir was kind enough to offer to come by, I almost rejected it. But one of my many issues is even though I know nobody can physically make me feel better from a cold I still don’t want to be alone for that long. I think my biggest problem yesterday day was my mental state of being so scared and upset from the pain that it made everything 10 times worse. I thought for sure I was dying. Also the mental beating of having my body yet again get sick made it hard for me to hold it together. Makes me thankful Sir came over. My favorite part was when He called to tell me He was here, I have a locked building. I dragged my unsteady ass out of bed, tossed on a huge fuzzy blue robe. My hair was a mess and I’m sure my skin color wasn’t great. First thing He says: “You look like shit.”

That made my day, I knew I looked like shit but at least He didn’t blow smoke up my ass and say I look like a bed of roses. I enjoyed that brutal honest comment. Almost turned me on. Speaking of, turns out when I’m sick like I was/am I’m extra sensitive, and not in a good way if I’m with a sadistic top. Oh wait I was with a sadistic top. Yeah, I crack my self up.

With the snuggles and pets I felt a bit better mentally. A short nap and I went off to work. Yeah that sucked cause by the end of work I realized I hadn’t been eating that much. Twice I felt my blood sugar take two big drops. It wasn’t that I didn’t have food, it wasn’t that I didn’t cook the food for myself. It was that I had to force myself to even eat half of it. So body already weak from cold became added to from the lack of will to want to eat. I k now I’ve most likely eaten enough by the health care standards. But just.

Tonight, Sir is going to stop by with Chinese food. My stomach is fine, it just doesn’t want to work or tell my brain that I’m hungry. Silly creature. So I shall be partaking in Forced Chinese food tonight. Maybe I’ll add that to my list of fun on my site. Should be funny if nothing else.

Did I mention my friends are great? They make even the most embarrassing or crappy things funny. I am feeling a lot better today. Mentally I’m more relaxed, physically I feel my body getting better. I’m hurting in different ways, but over all I don’t feel like I’m dying anymore. I have convinced myself that I shall be better by tomorrow night. It shall be as I’ve said it.

I hopes everyone stays healthy, take it from me, it really bites to be sick.

~Raven~

This is getting old.

I just go over my cause-unknown moderate allergy attack that lasted about 1 week. Go to work over the weekend and one of the ladies has a cold, wouldn't you know now i have a cold. Not even a week after getting better. I would usually think oh well it's not so bad, i'll be better tomorrow. But no, not this time, I want to be better NOW.

my bday party and group meeting are this weekend. I am not going to miss it. I should be looking at my schedule and figuring out what days I'm going to switch. Sir asked me ever so nicely if I would go with Him and our friend to a party in Ohio. I at first told Him to take her and I'd stay here and be a good girl working hard. He and I are working out how we feel, and He really wanted me to go, and yeah I really wanted to go. So now it's time for me to go to my boss and beg for that day off.

I would've been happy to stay and not go due to other issues, I for the most part enjoy my friends having fun even if I can't be there. Sure it's hard on me, but it also allows me to focus on the issues I've had in the past and face them now instead of running away.

My friends have helped me grow so much, I think I say that a lot, almost every day. But I am so grateful, so happy, and loving them for who they are. I know I'm working harder to process my own feelings and thoughts to be a better friend for them.

On the plus side, only one side of my nose hurts. . . I cannot take caught drops either, we are leaning towards thinking that's what caused a problem in my body. We don't know what caused the allergic reaction but the caught drops are in the lead. Maybe someday when I'm feeling masochistic and have a few free days, I'll go and pop a few drops and see if I break out. Problem solved then.

So this is my short blog post about being sick, my great friends, and being sick. I hope everyone has a lovely week and stay healthy!! It's no fun to be sick!

~Raven~

birthday lovings for this kitty

Yes it's my birthday. And my Sir is the best in the world. He put up with my moody nature yesterday. A mild misunderstanding. I didn't really want to play with Him last night,I just wanted to be near Him, didn't want to sleep alone. Call me spoiled. I am. I know He has work He has to get done. And I really didn't mind, but I was so bummed out when at first He said I shouldn't come over. Ever try to tell a cat what to do? It doesn't work for you, does it? Now try telling a tiger what to do. . .works even less well then telling a house cat what to do.

He worked late and I had gotten upsetting news from my job. So I just ended up passing out on His sofa. I didn't care at that moment, I was just so upset. He knew I was upset, and let me sleep. Then at some point I was tossing and turning on the sofa and I looked up and saw Him at His desk. I must have smiled and He looked over, "good, you're awake." He said with happiness in His voice. My mind screamed nooooooooooooooo, I'm not awake, I don't even know where I'm at or what I'm doing. I must have grunted or something. He said lets get me to bed and I some how made it from where I was to the bedroom. I remember clawing at Him to stay with me, snuggle with me. He said He'd be right back, had to finish up some things. I passed out again in a better state. The tears gone from previously, and knowing He was there.

I recall my hands waking me up with Him next to me. *smiles* Yes I woke Him up. Yes I've had so many wonderful orgasms this morning. He treats His kitty oh so well. Laughing together we spent a great morning together. Holding each other close and being happy with the company.

I never thought that I'd be able to be with someone who shared the same enjoyments, who allows me to play all over Him and be with Him. It's lovely.

~Raven~

hospital run

Yesterday afternoon I woke up suddenly from my sleep about 2 hours before the work out I was planning on going to in the park that day. I grabbed a cookie and some milk and hopes that the milk would settle me back down for some more sleep. Well, that didn't work out too well, had to use the little kitty room. I happened to touch my left side above my hip bone, and a bump had appeared. For a moment I started to panic. Then I sat there and thought, hell it's just something that is a simple skin reaction. A rash or something, I'll go back to bed and it'll be gone when i wake up.

Then came the sudden burning in my wrists. My mind went into overdrive at that point. Racing because in about 2 seconds i realized what was happening. An allergic reaction. Holy hell, last reaction left me laying motionless in bed screaming in agony. I called everyone in my family, and my friends. Then finally my Sir picked up the phone. At this point you can imagine a girl hysterical in tears because she has a pretty good idea of how much pain she's going to be in.

Time moves forwards, He had business to take care of and I finally got a hold of the doctor's office. That took forever, turns out my PCP moved and what not. Took their advice and had to call work. Almost begged to come into work because I needed the time in before my trip. They said no. I really need to learn how to beg more.

My Sir showed up moments later. It was wonderful to see Him, even if at this point I was at the end of being able to function. He walked me back up, checked me over, scared Himself that maybe I was having an allergic reaction to His new ropes. No, bilateral skin break outs do not happy usually do to skin contact allergens. And I showered to make sure it wasn't a contact allergy.

It was the first time I was ashamed to cuddle with Him. I looked a mess and felt like hell. But He tucked me in and held me tight. That alone was the best medicine for my mind. The suggested medicine I had taken was starting to work. A few hours of Him watching over me to make sure it didn't get suddenly worse or have an air way blockage was lovely from the few moments I remember of it. On His way out He checked me over once again and my skin looked better.

I think I remember locking the door but who knows it got locked some how. Strange dreams that night of snuggling Him and what not must have made me toss and turn. But I stayed asleep for a while last night. Waking up at about 6 this morning I looked at my body. The hives had come back and I was scratched up like a scratching post. I must have scratched myself bloody in my sleep and not noticed obviously.

My other dear friend came over to check on me and said fuck it you're going to the ER, period. Get there and lift up my shirt and even they go holy fuck. my skin was a mess. I've had drugs iv before in the ER when I've gone in the past. These drugs this time made me puke in my mouth and pass out within 2 minutes. It was funny to watch I'm sure. But I'm sure it was a mix of anxiety and the medicines that made my body give out. Such deep cat-nap-age. So lovely.

Now I'm sitting in my apartment watching a movie with my friend, my ass feels like it's on fire from the skin lotion I put on. Obviously the scratches are still there and deep. The moral of this post is I have such great friends, and my Sir is the bestest in the whole world. I love being His kitty girl and even when I'm sick He doesn't make me feel bad, like others have in the past. I'm just so lucky to have Him in my life. To teach me and to be my friend.

~raven~