Saturday, October 23, 2010
Folsom Fringe
I had the pleasure of traveling across the country to go to a few lovely events on the west coast. My first thought that comes to mind about the trip and events is that people on the west coast sure know how to party and have a good time. It was really refreshing to go to these events. The area was beautiful, the people were friendly, and the hotel was interesting.
I’ve been to California when I was younger with my parents, southern area. I went to California this time with that memory in mind and I should’ve known better. The flight over was hellish to say the least. I was not prepared and didn’t believe my travel partner. He doesn’t like to fly and now I know why. My legs were on fire, my head throbbed, and my stomach was kicking my ass. Sleeping was out of the question and I think 3 hours into the second flight I wanted to jump out of the plane to get away from how shitty my body felt. Once we got on the ground, I’m pretty sure I kissed the ground a few times and had one really long smoke. I told Sir, “I don’t know how You are getting me home to Pittsburgh, cause I refuse to ever get on a plane again.”
The hotel was cute and gave me more than one laugh. The name, “the domain” just cracked me up, who would name a hotel that? The restaurant was named bytes and that drove Sir nuts. Which I will admit just made me laugh a bit harder. The hotel rooms were really nice and we had a balcony, my first one ever! There was some phrase painted on the wall above the beds and there were all sorts of computer references. For someone who doesn’t work in a computer field it’s cute, for someone who does it’s a bit overboard. But props to the hotel for running with a theme.
On the day we arrived, since most of the time we arrive a day early, we ran into fellow kinky peps. I had known they were kinky not from their clothing or any other general kinky flags but from I had met them at Floating world. They are vendors and have wonderful whips and other impact toys. Sir and I have two of their whips and I’m still attempting to learn and use in my play. They drove from the southeast and I was really ready to hitch a ride back with them so that I wouldn’t have to get on a plane again.
We met other lovely people from the west coast. They are fun and relaxed. I totally understand and to an extent support the cell phone rule that is rather common at most events that I attend. You don’t really need to be using your phone all the time and it makes people nervous with the camera phones (and what phone doesn’t have one?).
I’m a supporter of vibration mode (for more than one reason) and if it’s out of site it’s out of mind. People talking on the phone in hall ways, outside in smoking and nonsmoking areas and bathrooms doesn’t bother me at all as long as they are not interrupting someone else’s activity/class/scene/ and so on. At this event people were pretty much like that as well. Nobody freaked out over seeing a cell phone, except me because I’m not used to that relaxed set of rules. I can’t think of any class or scene I attended that was affected in a negative way due to cell phones. People were respectful and pleasant about their use of cell phones.
The presenters really impressed me and I learned a ton of new things. This event is where my mind set went from: “I’m never going to do needle play” to “hey, I want to try it and see if I might like it.” The basic needle play class was great as was solo poly, with Allena. The class was wonderful, not only was the presenter great but the people attending the class were also great and gave wonderfully new points of view.
The play party had an interesting vibe going on, I was unsure of myself going into it. People had their scenes going on and I had a hard time seeing hard points for suspensions and partial suspensions. There were two points in the corner that would work okay. They were wood frame type deal with “ladders” on either side for impact and other plays but not so hot for what I wanted to do. There were two lovely scenes going on them after we started our scene that caught my eye and I watched for a few moments at a time. Between those two wooden frames was a suspension frame that I had second thoughts on. I can’t remember why I had second thoughts on it for and I didn’t mention it to Sir. He started to tie me and it was bumpy for a bit. I enjoyed it but both of us had a touch of frustration going on for different reasons. Once I went up once or twice in His ropes, I came down and started adjusting ropes without thinking.
That’s just how I am at this point, why wait for someone to fix a problem when I can fix it myself? Well, giving someone a chance to get their kicks, figure out something for themselves and other reasons I hadn’t thought of at the time would be a good reason NOT to do what I did. I find that when I make a mistake finding out about them used to be easy, but fixing them was hard and took time. The time it takes to build up a relationship to where it was after a negative event happens is really rather long in my own opinion. Part of me doubts that the person I’m in a relationship with will be willing to put the time and work into fixing it, maybe I’m not worth it in their views? I hope that I am, but I know to some I might not be and I have to be willing to accept that at some point.
I learned weeks after Folsom that I had made a mistake that night, and I’ve been attempting to now fix it and learn from it. Even though I have a sense of gosh I fucking messed up again! After the scene that night I crashed hard and fast for the first time ever. Usually I’ll have a few moments after a scene where I’m okay and hoping around being my playful self. This time I walked outside, sat down, and crashed. Sir saw that and gathered everything up and we hauled ass back to the hotel where I passed out on the bed.
One night we went up to the Citadel in San Francisco and I was crossing my fingers for the best, never being there before. The one thing I didn’t consider is what my “goals” were and if I did have goals, were they reasonable. The one or two goals I did have were not reasonable. I enjoyed the space and how many lovely dressed kinky people could be fit into the space. I knew I couldn’t play because of the mindset I was in that night, but I really wanted to play. The few hard points were in use nonstop, and I don’t blame them, they were fucking HOTTT hard points with fucking HOTTT chicks tie from them. The feel I got from the place was more high protocol then relaxed. I enjoy high protocol to my limited knowledge of it. It was rather refreshing to get that feeling that I had yet to get before at a club.
AND then there was the street fair . . .
~Raven~
Monday, September 6, 2010
Random Access Memory
Last night was a night filled with flash backs. From the dreams I’ve been having lately, the surgery I had last month, to the scenes I’ve watched. It’s been one roller coaster of feelings and thoughts. This afternoon I was really rather upset over something that I had no control over. On top of that life isn’t fair so there really is no use in getting so upset over that fact. Maybe it has to do with how we feel about our loved ones that makes us more upset over the fact life isn’t fair. I can take a good bit of shit in my life, sure I don’t always handle it with style and grace. But I do handle it.
When I was in my teens I stopped asking “why me?” when bad things happened. I started looking at it as, well if it wasn’t me then it’d be someone else. Maybe that person wouldn’t be able to handle it. That out look grew. Now I’d rather it be me getting the shit happening to then my friends. I can cry, I have a shoulder to lean on and ask for help from. I have more then one shoulder. These things help me and when I’m so far down I can’t even look up I’m reminded that “if it wasn’t me, it’d be someone else.” I know people have seen me at very bad moments. I’ve snapped at people when I was sick.
It got to a point this summer where people who knew me casually couldn’t even talk to me. There was really only one person that could talk to me and I’d listen to them. But my casual friends still attempted to help me, to which I thank them for trying. The point where I was almost truly defeated was the loneliest point. Yes, other people out there have had surgeries and illnesses. It’s when you’re scared and you’re fighting to find out what’s wrong with you but loosing that battle that the mind starts slipping into a darker area. You don’t care about what other people have gone through or that they might have it harder then you are having it. Those things really do go out the window. When you don’t know if you’ll ever get better again because for months the doctors don’t communicate with you is when the break downs happen. Some people it happen sooner, some people it happen later, and hell for some it never even happens.
Trying to get me to remember that others have suffered and been in the amount of pain I was in was not a productive task. It felt like these friends of mine were saying I couldn’t even have a moment to cry and release these feelings to them. Like I had to put on a happy face to save them from hearing about how much I was scared, how much I hurt. That happens a good bit in my life with my friends. I’ll listen and listen long and hard to their thoughts, feelings, and so on. But as soon as I start talking about something they don’t want to her I get the same form of lines. “Oh, you’re always having a bad time.”
That was one of the flash backs and pet peeves of mine. Part of me still thinks I am this weak person because of what my causal friends have told me as well as my family. There was really only one person who was there for me and watched me suffer. And the looks on His face made me want to cry but instead I smiled. I know He likes my smile. I knew if I smiled and did my best that He wouldn’t hurt as much. He, as my lover and best friend, saw me at my most horrid moment in life and didn’t run away. He didn’t play off my pain or tell me I was wrong for bitching. When I wanted to give up He supported me and showed me the reasons I should be proud of myself. That, to me, is what a friend does and what I strive to do for others.
After going to the movies and attempting to find shoes for me we got home. Have to admit I felt like a bus hit me. At that moment another flash back to when I was in the hospital hit me. I can’t say that I wanted to cry, more like I was amazed at myself. When I tell people “ I have no shame”, I really mean it. I got up to my hospital room from surgery. I had to pee really badly. The nurse smiled and said good well you can walk to the bathroom and then into bed. My mother and father were there as well. Yes, my relationship with my mother is not the best, but I was so freaking happy to see her because it showed me share cared enough to show up. Also she was a nurse and I knew she’d help me while she was there.
I sat up, that was fine. I stood up, that was not so fine. I took a few steps and the nausea hit me so hard. My mother hand my arm and I started moving as fast as I could toward the bathroom. I sat down thinking that hey now that I’m sitting again I’ll not feel so sick. Not the case at all. The aid was holding me up, my mother ran and got the basin, and I puked a good five times as I was held up. Again, let me restate, after that I have no shame left. Cause at that moment I also found out I started my period. Thank god I was on very good drugs.
I had almost the same feeling tonight. Felt like I got hit by a bus, head pounding, stomach hurting, and of coarse mother nature right on time to just make things extra special yet again. As I write this I have a slight smile on my lips and chuckle in my heart. If I can laugh at this and talk about these things, I’m not the same person I was 5 years ago. I’m not the same person I was 6 months ago.
Nobody had been with me on this path as long as I have been. My one friend, goddess bless Him, has told me how I act at times. Being totally honest with me and I thank Him for that honesty. Even He doesn’t see where I’ve come from and how far I have come. He helps me be aware of when I’m slipping backwards and tells me up from when I’m being a bitch. That’s what friends are for as well. Even though He can’t be as proud as I can be of me blooming into this new person, He can still help me be aware of my own patterns.
My dream from the night before haunted me on and off yesterday. It wasn’t as bad as some of my dreams can get, yes Stephen King would be oh so fucking proud of the shit I dream. It was just very unnerving. I can only remember three parts to the dream. But those three parts flashed through my mind and gave me goose bumps. Maybe I would’ve been better if I had dreamt about killers and being hunted. At least I get off in those dreams.
To a more enjoyable flashback of the evening. I go out to dungeons fairly frequently as well as well as events. I am lucky enough to met a wide verity of people. This is where I admit I am slightly a voyeur. When I first went to a dungeon my eyes almost fell out of their little sockets. That still happens when I go to new places. I am getting better at knowing where I want to look and refining myself so I don’t look ogling eyed.
Many different types of things I enjoy. One is watching a D/s couple play. There is something about watching the energy between two people who have a deep bond. I wish I could have the beautiful words to describe the beautiful mental images that comes to mind when I think of the couples I’ve seen at play. The play and protocols that some people have in their relationship amaze me. I find it totally beautiful even if it appears foreign to me.
There are all sorts of other types of play out there between different levels of relationships. At this moment I still have to say my favorite to watch is the one I mentioned above. I watched two friends play down in D.C. It was almost like a dance in a way, between the two of them you could see the connection. I seen a few other scenes that night that were okay, but not the same. I had a unsettling moment when someone I knew in the scene, but had never seen play before, started a "hot" scene.
That scene was lovely enough for most people, there was a crowd that came over to watch and I nearly got stepped on a few times from my spot. I looked to see what they were watching. I have the feeling that this was a case of an impressive person doing a scene with a “hot” chick. I liked most of what I saw but there were parts that just didn’t do anything for me. I was unhappy with myself, as a person who likes to watch, that I was not totally blown away by this "hot" scene that everyone else seemed to gather around. The part that I understand was myself being more turned on and excited by seeing my friends.
Maybe I had a connection with them. Maybe they were doing play I enjoy more. But I think it comes down to what I heard at the GRUE earlier in the day. GrayDancer read an email from someone, that was very well written about a topic that touched on what I saw. Using my own words to sum it up, there are people out there who go and put on a show for others. These people aren’t bad in my own opinion but it comes off with less of a feeling. The connection that two people have when the world “fades away”, that is something that not many people focus on as of late.
Watching my friends play, they gave the shadows back to me. Their play was pure, deep, and meaningful between them. There were no rules that they had to follow except their own. Nobody else mattered but their partner and they had their shadows as part of their play. That moves me to tears. I know what that feels like and it doesn’t matter if you’re the “hot rigger” with the “hot chick” to “look good”. The energy between two people, that’s what makes it hot for me when I watch.
A evening and night filled with flashbacks, smiles, laughs, hard moments, and mixed emotions. That sums up just about everyday really. But yesterday, it felt more intense or I was just very much more aware of it. The best way to end those days is with a good cuddle. Be it with my lover, my favorite pillow, or my loved blankey, a cuddle really does set the mind at ease.
~Raven~
When I was in my teens I stopped asking “why me?” when bad things happened. I started looking at it as, well if it wasn’t me then it’d be someone else. Maybe that person wouldn’t be able to handle it. That out look grew. Now I’d rather it be me getting the shit happening to then my friends. I can cry, I have a shoulder to lean on and ask for help from. I have more then one shoulder. These things help me and when I’m so far down I can’t even look up I’m reminded that “if it wasn’t me, it’d be someone else.” I know people have seen me at very bad moments. I’ve snapped at people when I was sick.
It got to a point this summer where people who knew me casually couldn’t even talk to me. There was really only one person that could talk to me and I’d listen to them. But my casual friends still attempted to help me, to which I thank them for trying. The point where I was almost truly defeated was the loneliest point. Yes, other people out there have had surgeries and illnesses. It’s when you’re scared and you’re fighting to find out what’s wrong with you but loosing that battle that the mind starts slipping into a darker area. You don’t care about what other people have gone through or that they might have it harder then you are having it. Those things really do go out the window. When you don’t know if you’ll ever get better again because for months the doctors don’t communicate with you is when the break downs happen. Some people it happen sooner, some people it happen later, and hell for some it never even happens.
Trying to get me to remember that others have suffered and been in the amount of pain I was in was not a productive task. It felt like these friends of mine were saying I couldn’t even have a moment to cry and release these feelings to them. Like I had to put on a happy face to save them from hearing about how much I was scared, how much I hurt. That happens a good bit in my life with my friends. I’ll listen and listen long and hard to their thoughts, feelings, and so on. But as soon as I start talking about something they don’t want to her I get the same form of lines. “Oh, you’re always having a bad time.”
That was one of the flash backs and pet peeves of mine. Part of me still thinks I am this weak person because of what my causal friends have told me as well as my family. There was really only one person who was there for me and watched me suffer. And the looks on His face made me want to cry but instead I smiled. I know He likes my smile. I knew if I smiled and did my best that He wouldn’t hurt as much. He, as my lover and best friend, saw me at my most horrid moment in life and didn’t run away. He didn’t play off my pain or tell me I was wrong for bitching. When I wanted to give up He supported me and showed me the reasons I should be proud of myself. That, to me, is what a friend does and what I strive to do for others.
After going to the movies and attempting to find shoes for me we got home. Have to admit I felt like a bus hit me. At that moment another flash back to when I was in the hospital hit me. I can’t say that I wanted to cry, more like I was amazed at myself. When I tell people “ I have no shame”, I really mean it. I got up to my hospital room from surgery. I had to pee really badly. The nurse smiled and said good well you can walk to the bathroom and then into bed. My mother and father were there as well. Yes, my relationship with my mother is not the best, but I was so freaking happy to see her because it showed me share cared enough to show up. Also she was a nurse and I knew she’d help me while she was there.
I sat up, that was fine. I stood up, that was not so fine. I took a few steps and the nausea hit me so hard. My mother hand my arm and I started moving as fast as I could toward the bathroom. I sat down thinking that hey now that I’m sitting again I’ll not feel so sick. Not the case at all. The aid was holding me up, my mother ran and got the basin, and I puked a good five times as I was held up. Again, let me restate, after that I have no shame left. Cause at that moment I also found out I started my period. Thank god I was on very good drugs.
I had almost the same feeling tonight. Felt like I got hit by a bus, head pounding, stomach hurting, and of coarse mother nature right on time to just make things extra special yet again. As I write this I have a slight smile on my lips and chuckle in my heart. If I can laugh at this and talk about these things, I’m not the same person I was 5 years ago. I’m not the same person I was 6 months ago.
Nobody had been with me on this path as long as I have been. My one friend, goddess bless Him, has told me how I act at times. Being totally honest with me and I thank Him for that honesty. Even He doesn’t see where I’ve come from and how far I have come. He helps me be aware of when I’m slipping backwards and tells me up from when I’m being a bitch. That’s what friends are for as well. Even though He can’t be as proud as I can be of me blooming into this new person, He can still help me be aware of my own patterns.
My dream from the night before haunted me on and off yesterday. It wasn’t as bad as some of my dreams can get, yes Stephen King would be oh so fucking proud of the shit I dream. It was just very unnerving. I can only remember three parts to the dream. But those three parts flashed through my mind and gave me goose bumps. Maybe I would’ve been better if I had dreamt about killers and being hunted. At least I get off in those dreams.
To a more enjoyable flashback of the evening. I go out to dungeons fairly frequently as well as well as events. I am lucky enough to met a wide verity of people. This is where I admit I am slightly a voyeur. When I first went to a dungeon my eyes almost fell out of their little sockets. That still happens when I go to new places. I am getting better at knowing where I want to look and refining myself so I don’t look ogling eyed.
Many different types of things I enjoy. One is watching a D/s couple play. There is something about watching the energy between two people who have a deep bond. I wish I could have the beautiful words to describe the beautiful mental images that comes to mind when I think of the couples I’ve seen at play. The play and protocols that some people have in their relationship amaze me. I find it totally beautiful even if it appears foreign to me.
There are all sorts of other types of play out there between different levels of relationships. At this moment I still have to say my favorite to watch is the one I mentioned above. I watched two friends play down in D.C. It was almost like a dance in a way, between the two of them you could see the connection. I seen a few other scenes that night that were okay, but not the same. I had a unsettling moment when someone I knew in the scene, but had never seen play before, started a "hot" scene.
That scene was lovely enough for most people, there was a crowd that came over to watch and I nearly got stepped on a few times from my spot. I looked to see what they were watching. I have the feeling that this was a case of an impressive person doing a scene with a “hot” chick. I liked most of what I saw but there were parts that just didn’t do anything for me. I was unhappy with myself, as a person who likes to watch, that I was not totally blown away by this "hot" scene that everyone else seemed to gather around. The part that I understand was myself being more turned on and excited by seeing my friends.
Maybe I had a connection with them. Maybe they were doing play I enjoy more. But I think it comes down to what I heard at the GRUE earlier in the day. GrayDancer read an email from someone, that was very well written about a topic that touched on what I saw. Using my own words to sum it up, there are people out there who go and put on a show for others. These people aren’t bad in my own opinion but it comes off with less of a feeling. The connection that two people have when the world “fades away”, that is something that not many people focus on as of late.
Watching my friends play, they gave the shadows back to me. Their play was pure, deep, and meaningful between them. There were no rules that they had to follow except their own. Nobody else mattered but their partner and they had their shadows as part of their play. That moves me to tears. I know what that feels like and it doesn’t matter if you’re the “hot rigger” with the “hot chick” to “look good”. The energy between two people, that’s what makes it hot for me when I watch.
A evening and night filled with flashbacks, smiles, laughs, hard moments, and mixed emotions. That sums up just about everyday really. But yesterday, it felt more intense or I was just very much more aware of it. The best way to end those days is with a good cuddle. Be it with my lover, my favorite pillow, or my loved blankey, a cuddle really does set the mind at ease.
~Raven~
One Year, Already?
Traveling has been one thing I have always lusted for in life. When I do travel it’s mainly to kink events and I get a wide verity of reactions from my mind. From excited and thrilled to scared and unnerved. Part of me enjoys going through these emotions and feelings. I know my Sir can tell when I’m feeling unnerved and freaking out. He gets to watch me go from a bundle of nerves to a relaxed, smiling kitty. I think he likes watching this transformation and usually is proud of me at the end of it.
I am proud of myself as well. A year ago I could not have even conceived I would be where I’m at now in life. I went to a much a little over a year ago, my first public event ever. I was more scared of that then of the people of my past that I’ve met from online never knowing them from a pile of beats before we met. I remember parts of going to the munch. Someone gave me a business card for their kink group. That shocked me. The hostess of the munch was great, all smiles and laughs. It was a mix of very welcoming people and very curious people.
As I think of it now, maybe this submissive should go make her own business card. It’d be fun to see people’s reactions, to see if they reacted how I did “way back when.” It would give me kicks anyway and help me remember my fetlife name.
I had so much fun at my first munch I really wanted to go back again. For some reason I couldn’t go the next month. If I had to guess I would guess it was my family but I made it a point to go the month after that despite my family. I felt even more awkward this time around. There was more people and new faces and I had not clue what to say or do. So I sat and ate. I heard a guy talking and handing out business card. I asked him some questions about the local dungeon. I was in awe that Pittsburgh even had a dungeon.
About half way through the evening I saw this guy. He looked cute in a lost puppy dog kind of way. I kept one eye on him while I listened to the people around me talking. A few times I wondered if he was looking at me. I smiled at him and eventually made my way over to where he was sitting. We talked for a bit and I was already in awe of him. He shocked me. He likes rope? Wow, I like rope. He’s not being creepy or crawly. We talked about horses and how his ex had horses.
It was at that lovely moment my mother and sister started tag teaming me with the phone calls. I finally broke down, embarrassed, and ran out of the place. The nice guy I talked to had given me a business card. Wouldn’t you know I lost that damn card and couldn’t remember his fetlife name. damnit.
Whatever happened to that guy? Well, we met again at a private play party, he tied me up twice, and swept me off my feet. Ever since I’ve been always lusting for the next time He ties me up among other fun activates Sir and I now do together. It’s been a beautiful path with a blossoming friendship between us. I didn’t see it coming.
When we started out we made an arrangement between each other. I still remember it clear in my mind. I was going to help Him, He was going to help me. I don’t think either one of us knew how much we would end up and still to this day help each other. Enough of the sappy, on to the good stuff. We love going to kink events. It’s an addiction He got me hooked on starting at WinterWickedness last year. For me it starts out as a challenge. How much can I improve myself and have fun.
Since then I’ve been to a handful events. Each one is different and teaches me something new about myself, the kink world, my Sir, and many other areas that I don’t expect to learn about at a kink convention. I started learning slowly and building a base for myself in my kink lifestyle.
Now I’m sitting here a year into my “public kink life” going, wow that shit was fun as hell. Let’s do it again!! I will do it again, as the summer ends and the fall steps in I feel life pulling me forward at a more rapid pace. I know my vanilla life and Sir’s vanilla life are not going to be easy this fall. But that doesn’t mean I can’t smile, enjoy the ride, and make the best out of what I am given.
I should start writing a list of things I want to do with myself. That should keep my mind busy for a while. Hopes everyone is having a good holiday weekend and enjoying cook outs. It’s a bit too cold here and I’m not very much into mainstream holiday “fun”.
~Raven~
I am proud of myself as well. A year ago I could not have even conceived I would be where I’m at now in life. I went to a much a little over a year ago, my first public event ever. I was more scared of that then of the people of my past that I’ve met from online never knowing them from a pile of beats before we met. I remember parts of going to the munch. Someone gave me a business card for their kink group. That shocked me. The hostess of the munch was great, all smiles and laughs. It was a mix of very welcoming people and very curious people.
As I think of it now, maybe this submissive should go make her own business card. It’d be fun to see people’s reactions, to see if they reacted how I did “way back when.” It would give me kicks anyway and help me remember my fetlife name.
I had so much fun at my first munch I really wanted to go back again. For some reason I couldn’t go the next month. If I had to guess I would guess it was my family but I made it a point to go the month after that despite my family. I felt even more awkward this time around. There was more people and new faces and I had not clue what to say or do. So I sat and ate. I heard a guy talking and handing out business card. I asked him some questions about the local dungeon. I was in awe that Pittsburgh even had a dungeon.
About half way through the evening I saw this guy. He looked cute in a lost puppy dog kind of way. I kept one eye on him while I listened to the people around me talking. A few times I wondered if he was looking at me. I smiled at him and eventually made my way over to where he was sitting. We talked for a bit and I was already in awe of him. He shocked me. He likes rope? Wow, I like rope. He’s not being creepy or crawly. We talked about horses and how his ex had horses.
It was at that lovely moment my mother and sister started tag teaming me with the phone calls. I finally broke down, embarrassed, and ran out of the place. The nice guy I talked to had given me a business card. Wouldn’t you know I lost that damn card and couldn’t remember his fetlife name. damnit.
Whatever happened to that guy? Well, we met again at a private play party, he tied me up twice, and swept me off my feet. Ever since I’ve been always lusting for the next time He ties me up among other fun activates Sir and I now do together. It’s been a beautiful path with a blossoming friendship between us. I didn’t see it coming.
When we started out we made an arrangement between each other. I still remember it clear in my mind. I was going to help Him, He was going to help me. I don’t think either one of us knew how much we would end up and still to this day help each other. Enough of the sappy, on to the good stuff. We love going to kink events. It’s an addiction He got me hooked on starting at WinterWickedness last year. For me it starts out as a challenge. How much can I improve myself and have fun.
Since then I’ve been to a handful events. Each one is different and teaches me something new about myself, the kink world, my Sir, and many other areas that I don’t expect to learn about at a kink convention. I started learning slowly and building a base for myself in my kink lifestyle.
Now I’m sitting here a year into my “public kink life” going, wow that shit was fun as hell. Let’s do it again!! I will do it again, as the summer ends and the fall steps in I feel life pulling me forward at a more rapid pace. I know my vanilla life and Sir’s vanilla life are not going to be easy this fall. But that doesn’t mean I can’t smile, enjoy the ride, and make the best out of what I am given.
I should start writing a list of things I want to do with myself. That should keep my mind busy for a while. Hopes everyone is having a good holiday weekend and enjoying cook outs. It’s a bit too cold here and I’m not very much into mainstream holiday “fun”.
~Raven~
Sunday, September 5, 2010
Blending Worlds
Today is a lovely day. I’m at school, where I usually keep to myself. It’s not that I don’t want to go and join the groups they have here. It’s just my life is so busy already and I tend to be anti-social in these settings. It takes a good bit to get me out of being anti-social some days.
I’ve come so far as a person and know I still need to go further. I feel proud of myself when I look back on my path. Even at the not so good points I’m still pushing forward and trying my hardest. Really, I don’t have a choice in the matter. Time moves forward, like it or not. At the moment I figure I really need to get on some things in my personal life, but one thing at a time.
One: My car needs fixed. It’s closer then it was before and I am hopeful that it’ll be fixed soon. My Sir gave me a heart attack this morning. He said my car never got the new stickers on it. I freaked out because I still don’t know what happens when I loose those stickers. I’m sure you can get replacements. But I have yet to loose a set. Granted I’ve only been doing this stuff for 4 years now, I’m sure I’ll run into this problem later. Better now when I have the great support of my Sir. To sum up One: my car did have it’s stickers on, Sir just was looking at the wrong car and my car is getting fixed soon.
At times we go through mental periods of “what the hell is this person doing with me?” Both of us do it, so I guess that makes me feel better I’m not the only one who does it. At times it gets me down because I am so bad with words. How can I tell this person I think they are a good person and I love them for who they are? I wish I could speak beautiful words expressing how much He means to me. It usually just comes out as “shut up, (hand over His mouth), I love You for You. You might not see it, but I do.” He does the same thing for me. I call those my wake up calls. That I am a good person, no matter how much I want to be a better person. He sees me as beautiful when I feel like a beached whale on the sofa. That thought makes me laugh, because the more I am with Him and my friends, the less I feel like that.
The other day we got to go out with our friend to the sushi bar. I got drunk and ended up drooling on myself a few times. At one point we went outside and her plants are doing lovely. I am so in awe at her gardening skills. When I finally remembered I needed to use the restroom, I crawled up the stairs. I am not sure how I got down the stairs. About half way down I got to see a small take down scene. Yes, I promised myself I would never do resistance or take down play again, but damn watching them made me excited. I know I can’t do that, but hell I could watch it all night long.
Sitting here writing this blog as I listening to two men talk about their math classes and teachers. I always did find that amusing about college. You can clearly get a lot of information about teachers, classes, and many other things. It’s like writing on the bathroom stalls here. That amuses me as well. There is this one stall in west hall, female bathroom. I started reading it about a year or so ago now. And every few weeks there’d be more added to it. But the part that made me smile was I always thought of myself as a “bigger girl”, but I liked the end stall the best even though it was a smaller stall. When I first started reading the writing it was about how fucking small this stall is, it’s stupid, ect. Then someone wrote that the “fat chick” stall is two over. That made me laugh only because I no longer by that skinny bitch’s definition am fat. I am still waiting to drop something in the toilet by accident.
That’s the thing about college and this campus. I have an easier time on observing people. I wish I could take this skill set and take it to the kink world. At this moment, I tend to second guess my reading someone and that bothers me. I know Sir is really good at it. He’s got a few years of practice on me thought. Can’t His skills just rub off on me while we’re fucking?
As I’m listening to them talk, I went back and looked at my previous blog post and it struck me that I was referring to mainly guys out there. When it comes to females, I think the basics are the same. By basics I mean have passion for something, be thoughtful, open, and so on down that list. As for females though, that’s a different beast. I find for the most part that the females I end up enjoying being around don’t go near the driving me nuts line as much as the men.
I think that is one reason why at times I just want to sit and relax with a female. Say something or just sitting there smoking listening to her talk. All sorts of things that are at times more enjoyable with a female. For me anyway. This doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy men just as much. There are times when I just want to be around the guys and chill. I haven’t dated a female in a long time now. Mainly, I think, because I miss my ex girlfriend so much. I enjoyed the times we had together, even though we were “long distance”. She lived about 5-6 hours away from me. I have this worry that I’ll be so focused on what I had, that I won’t be able to see what’s in front of me when it does show up.
I’m not actively out there seeking a female partner. This bleeds into my feelings about people who just have blinders on and don’t see everything that is happening around them. They think they know what they want and they want it now. No journey to get to that good place, no relaxing time. They just want someone to show up and hand them the relationship of their dreams. Hard work? Forget it. Tears and sad moments? Nope, they are jumping ship. And it goes on and on. I know this because I’ve went through it as well. Once I slowed down, enjoyed each day for what it had to offer, loved each person in my life for who they were, and relaxed about my “plans for the future” life got a lot better for me. That’s where I’m at and still looking to find more ways of walking down the path I am on currently.
It’s windy here at school today. I almost wonder if it’s going to rain or not; my hope is for the rain. As time goes on it gets easier to blend and balance my life. The observations made this afternoon will help down the road, be it in the kink world, college world, or any other world I wonder into in this life.
~Raven~
I’ve come so far as a person and know I still need to go further. I feel proud of myself when I look back on my path. Even at the not so good points I’m still pushing forward and trying my hardest. Really, I don’t have a choice in the matter. Time moves forward, like it or not. At the moment I figure I really need to get on some things in my personal life, but one thing at a time.
One: My car needs fixed. It’s closer then it was before and I am hopeful that it’ll be fixed soon. My Sir gave me a heart attack this morning. He said my car never got the new stickers on it. I freaked out because I still don’t know what happens when I loose those stickers. I’m sure you can get replacements. But I have yet to loose a set. Granted I’ve only been doing this stuff for 4 years now, I’m sure I’ll run into this problem later. Better now when I have the great support of my Sir. To sum up One: my car did have it’s stickers on, Sir just was looking at the wrong car and my car is getting fixed soon.
At times we go through mental periods of “what the hell is this person doing with me?” Both of us do it, so I guess that makes me feel better I’m not the only one who does it. At times it gets me down because I am so bad with words. How can I tell this person I think they are a good person and I love them for who they are? I wish I could speak beautiful words expressing how much He means to me. It usually just comes out as “shut up, (hand over His mouth), I love You for You. You might not see it, but I do.” He does the same thing for me. I call those my wake up calls. That I am a good person, no matter how much I want to be a better person. He sees me as beautiful when I feel like a beached whale on the sofa. That thought makes me laugh, because the more I am with Him and my friends, the less I feel like that.
The other day we got to go out with our friend to the sushi bar. I got drunk and ended up drooling on myself a few times. At one point we went outside and her plants are doing lovely. I am so in awe at her gardening skills. When I finally remembered I needed to use the restroom, I crawled up the stairs. I am not sure how I got down the stairs. About half way down I got to see a small take down scene. Yes, I promised myself I would never do resistance or take down play again, but damn watching them made me excited. I know I can’t do that, but hell I could watch it all night long.
Sitting here writing this blog as I listening to two men talk about their math classes and teachers. I always did find that amusing about college. You can clearly get a lot of information about teachers, classes, and many other things. It’s like writing on the bathroom stalls here. That amuses me as well. There is this one stall in west hall, female bathroom. I started reading it about a year or so ago now. And every few weeks there’d be more added to it. But the part that made me smile was I always thought of myself as a “bigger girl”, but I liked the end stall the best even though it was a smaller stall. When I first started reading the writing it was about how fucking small this stall is, it’s stupid, ect. Then someone wrote that the “fat chick” stall is two over. That made me laugh only because I no longer by that skinny bitch’s definition am fat. I am still waiting to drop something in the toilet by accident.
That’s the thing about college and this campus. I have an easier time on observing people. I wish I could take this skill set and take it to the kink world. At this moment, I tend to second guess my reading someone and that bothers me. I know Sir is really good at it. He’s got a few years of practice on me thought. Can’t His skills just rub off on me while we’re fucking?
As I’m listening to them talk, I went back and looked at my previous blog post and it struck me that I was referring to mainly guys out there. When it comes to females, I think the basics are the same. By basics I mean have passion for something, be thoughtful, open, and so on down that list. As for females though, that’s a different beast. I find for the most part that the females I end up enjoying being around don’t go near the driving me nuts line as much as the men.
I think that is one reason why at times I just want to sit and relax with a female. Say something or just sitting there smoking listening to her talk. All sorts of things that are at times more enjoyable with a female. For me anyway. This doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy men just as much. There are times when I just want to be around the guys and chill. I haven’t dated a female in a long time now. Mainly, I think, because I miss my ex girlfriend so much. I enjoyed the times we had together, even though we were “long distance”. She lived about 5-6 hours away from me. I have this worry that I’ll be so focused on what I had, that I won’t be able to see what’s in front of me when it does show up.
I’m not actively out there seeking a female partner. This bleeds into my feelings about people who just have blinders on and don’t see everything that is happening around them. They think they know what they want and they want it now. No journey to get to that good place, no relaxing time. They just want someone to show up and hand them the relationship of their dreams. Hard work? Forget it. Tears and sad moments? Nope, they are jumping ship. And it goes on and on. I know this because I’ve went through it as well. Once I slowed down, enjoyed each day for what it had to offer, loved each person in my life for who they were, and relaxed about my “plans for the future” life got a lot better for me. That’s where I’m at and still looking to find more ways of walking down the path I am on currently.
It’s windy here at school today. I almost wonder if it’s going to rain or not; my hope is for the rain. As time goes on it gets easier to blend and balance my life. The observations made this afternoon will help down the road, be it in the kink world, college world, or any other world I wonder into in this life.
~Raven~
Friday, September 3, 2010
Thoughtz
Sometimes, there are guys out there I think I like at first glance. Even at third and forth glances. I know I shouldn’t really expect everyone I meet to start a friendship with that it’ll work out for year and years to come. That’s not really realistic. But when it comes to some people, after the first period of “hey you’re someone new in my life“, they tend to go in a downward spiral. For many reasons, but mostly I’d say because they aren’t ready. There are many forms of ready and many forms of relationships.
I used to go around longing to be in a relationship like I seen and read about from various places. One day I finally looked at myself, my place I was at in life, and the light bulb over my head went off. Even if some how this perfect relationship landed in my lap, I’d still not be ready for it. At that point, things became slightly easier to be single until I came to a point where I was more ready for a relationship or more friendships.
I’ve come up with a few different things I find important. Be it with friends or relationships. I would label these things “things to know to date Raven, and survive.” But my Sir suggested just to call it “things to know in order to date Rave.” In any case, these things came about for different reasons. Mostly, just the number of people who have just been clueless. Clueless is the nicest word I can think of that describes most of them. I’m not so hard to deal with as a person, at least I think that way. So I will simply call this "what it takes to not drive me crazy."
No real order but I’ll start with communication. You have to be able to communicate with me and be able to put up with my communication skill level. I am always trying to improve that skill set, but until it’s any better then it is now, please be able to deal with what it is.
Be open with your thoughts and be able to listen to mine. It takes me forever to start to trust someone with my deeper thoughts. I’m always doubting if I make any sense or if I’m saying something wrong. I don’t really go around wanting to hurt people’s feelings. Honest, that’s just not my style or desire. But give me the time it takes to share with you my ideas, wants, and needs. I might need to explain it a few different ways, that doesn’t bother me. But don’t be a brick wall that doesn’t listen.
Be creative. If there is a problem, don’t ask me how to solve it for you. Ask to work through a problem with me. If I have a problem, don’t talk at me. Listen and help me figure things out on my own or with your help.
Walk beside me, not ahead or behind me. I don’t want to be with someone who is forever worshipping the ground I walk on or is forever demanding I worship the ground they walk on. I will worship, love and adore you for the person you are in my own humble ways. That doesn’t mean I think I am less of a person or more of a person then you are. I don’t want to walk this world alone with nobody in site.
Have your own life, dreams, goals, passions. Do not let me push you around or demand you give something up for me. A relationship is about compromise. I will bend and bend and bend if I have that urge. And maybe sometimes you’ll have to bend and bend and bend. But that doesn’t mean we won’t snap back to where we were. We have our lives, dreams, goals, and passions. Sure we can share some together. That doesn’t mean we have to share everything.
When I want alone time, when I want time with a female, when I want time with a male, ect, Let me have it. There are times when I don’t want anything to do with anyone. Be it for 10 minutes or 10 days. Just let me collect myself. Balance myself. Find what the hell I am looking for during those periods. Know I am not intentally ignoring you, I am searching for something, most likely inside of me, and I either don’t need or you can’t help me. There are some things that you cannot provide me. Accept this but don’t think it means I don’t need you in my life.
Be able to laugh, at the world, at yourself, at me. Just be able to let that joy of laughing out whenever you see fit. Like others have said in different referances and styles: what happens at that time is what’s meant to happen. We cannot plan every moment, we can go with the flow, laugh and live in the moment.
Know that I don’t live for tomorrow and what might happen. I do that to an extent, but I learned from my past. I planned and worried about things and I forgot to live in the moment. To enjoy the time I spent with the people I loved in the past. I was so worried about what our relationships might be that I lost them totally. I live each day as it is, and I don’t worry about what my relationships might turn into. Sure pruning and keeping an eye on things is important. But living for what might be in 10 years from now seems foolish to me.
It’s the journey that matters to me.
This is more then enough for right now. I’m sure as time goes on I’ll be able to clean it up and add/subtract from it as I see fit.
~Raven~
I used to go around longing to be in a relationship like I seen and read about from various places. One day I finally looked at myself, my place I was at in life, and the light bulb over my head went off. Even if some how this perfect relationship landed in my lap, I’d still not be ready for it. At that point, things became slightly easier to be single until I came to a point where I was more ready for a relationship or more friendships.
I’ve come up with a few different things I find important. Be it with friends or relationships. I would label these things “things to know to date Raven, and survive.” But my Sir suggested just to call it “things to know in order to date Rave.” In any case, these things came about for different reasons. Mostly, just the number of people who have just been clueless. Clueless is the nicest word I can think of that describes most of them. I’m not so hard to deal with as a person, at least I think that way. So I will simply call this "what it takes to not drive me crazy."
No real order but I’ll start with communication. You have to be able to communicate with me and be able to put up with my communication skill level. I am always trying to improve that skill set, but until it’s any better then it is now, please be able to deal with what it is.
Be open with your thoughts and be able to listen to mine. It takes me forever to start to trust someone with my deeper thoughts. I’m always doubting if I make any sense or if I’m saying something wrong. I don’t really go around wanting to hurt people’s feelings. Honest, that’s just not my style or desire. But give me the time it takes to share with you my ideas, wants, and needs. I might need to explain it a few different ways, that doesn’t bother me. But don’t be a brick wall that doesn’t listen.
Be creative. If there is a problem, don’t ask me how to solve it for you. Ask to work through a problem with me. If I have a problem, don’t talk at me. Listen and help me figure things out on my own or with your help.
Walk beside me, not ahead or behind me. I don’t want to be with someone who is forever worshipping the ground I walk on or is forever demanding I worship the ground they walk on. I will worship, love and adore you for the person you are in my own humble ways. That doesn’t mean I think I am less of a person or more of a person then you are. I don’t want to walk this world alone with nobody in site.
Have your own life, dreams, goals, passions. Do not let me push you around or demand you give something up for me. A relationship is about compromise. I will bend and bend and bend if I have that urge. And maybe sometimes you’ll have to bend and bend and bend. But that doesn’t mean we won’t snap back to where we were. We have our lives, dreams, goals, and passions. Sure we can share some together. That doesn’t mean we have to share everything.
When I want alone time, when I want time with a female, when I want time with a male, ect, Let me have it. There are times when I don’t want anything to do with anyone. Be it for 10 minutes or 10 days. Just let me collect myself. Balance myself. Find what the hell I am looking for during those periods. Know I am not intentally ignoring you, I am searching for something, most likely inside of me, and I either don’t need or you can’t help me. There are some things that you cannot provide me. Accept this but don’t think it means I don’t need you in my life.
Be able to laugh, at the world, at yourself, at me. Just be able to let that joy of laughing out whenever you see fit. Like others have said in different referances and styles: what happens at that time is what’s meant to happen. We cannot plan every moment, we can go with the flow, laugh and live in the moment.
Know that I don’t live for tomorrow and what might happen. I do that to an extent, but I learned from my past. I planned and worried about things and I forgot to live in the moment. To enjoy the time I spent with the people I loved in the past. I was so worried about what our relationships might be that I lost them totally. I live each day as it is, and I don’t worry about what my relationships might turn into. Sure pruning and keeping an eye on things is important. But living for what might be in 10 years from now seems foolish to me.
It’s the journey that matters to me.
This is more then enough for right now. I’m sure as time goes on I’ll be able to clean it up and add/subtract from it as I see fit.
~Raven~
Monday, August 30, 2010
The Balancing Point(s)
Sometimes we have bad days, sometimes we have good days. I don’t think I sit down and count how many good days I have so that I can keep score. I mean everything balances out in the end in some form. So why worry about some things that we cannot control and forget about some of the things we can control. I spent about 30-45 minutes taking a practice quiz online for my quiz tomorrow, then making note cards and attempting my best to study. Part of me stops and thinks, hey I bet my boyfriend didn’t have to do this when He was in school. Yeah, yeah, He was in a field of study that you didn’t have to study like I am studying right now. Note: He did have to study and work at it, I’m not saying that, I’m saying the style of studying and the work that had to be learned was slight different then my work.
Now I know I could never do what He does. First, I’m not a geek, although I am a geek fan girl. I never excelled in things that were not interactions in the way I see them. Take nursing, you interact with a whole shit load of people on many different levels. That’s my kind of thing. Going in and seeing what needs to be done and doing it. Then seeing the changes you’ve created. If I’m looking at lines in a book about how to put something together, I can’t read that in that format. So of coarse I am not going to be in those type of fields reading lines of codes or how to guides. Just not my scene.
So what the hell does this have to do with kink? Well, balance. That’s the simplest connection I can find really. I talked to Sir today about this and asked Him His opinions on a subject that really interests me. The answer came down to balance, at least how I translated what He said. Some people in life do things for themselves and they don’t really care about others in the process. Me? I don’t think I could be like that, no matter how many times in the past I’ve been accused of it. I stop and think, if even for a moment, about the outcome of my actions and how they might effect someone else. Sometimes I think more then others, again just the nature of the beast.
There are also other people who are out there doing their own thing. Now be it for whatever reason, they are just happy swimming in their damn fish pond. I think if I thought about it, my sister is kind of like this in a limited way. She knows everyone, everything, and just about anything you could want to know about the place where we both grew up. That is, she knows who is fucking who, who did what to who, and so on. It is a very extensive knowledge base. The thing I think that makes her different is she could go anywhere and do that, she just doesn’t care at this moment. She talks about moving over seas, and she talks about moving away. A lot of talk but I think someday she just might do it. Hell, she got married and we were all betting against that (funny thing is, she’s still married).
But there are lots of people out there in the kink world who have their own style or M/O. Sometimes I sit back and watch. That’s one thing that I am not recognized for or maybe I am and I just don’t know it yet. I really do like to sit and watch how people interact on a social level in the kink world. It’s not fair to put people into boxes and I am not doing that. I’m just taking a few examples and making some mental connections. There are those people who are so graceful. That’s what I call it anyway. They go into a room, do their thing, smile/laugh/have fun, and go on to the next thing.
Part of me wonders of those people are dancers. Because the ones I’ve seen and met are in the very least performers. I don’t mean they get up and dance on cue or that they are a trained money to spin the turn crank. I mean they light up the room and bring a great energy into the scene and do it so gracefully it usually leaves me speechless. Beyond that it leaves me looking inward at myself to better myself not grumble about oh how I wish I could be them. Because in all honesty I could be that graceful person that brightens up the room. I know when I met my Sir the second time I was that person who just bounced across the room and gave Him the biggest hug. I made His night and He made mine. Not to down play that, but to me in my mind that’s “small scale”. The people I am talking about do that on a larger scale. Not saying that one is better then the other, because both are special and take special people. But if I knew how to extend myself and brighten up more then one person’s room at a time, I would.
I want this world to be a positive place for growth and other things. I think that there are very special people out there working hard to make that world expand and reach more people who may feel lost in the dark. For many years I was one of those people who was lost in the dark and feeling so far down I didn’t know what way I was going or who I was deep down inside. Part of me wants to explain and let more people in to that time period so they can better understand me. And with that comes another view point for them. Yes, we go through good days and bad, but knowing that we aren’t the only ones gives us a connection. A point to grow on and to hopefully pull us towards something that helps us grow as a person.
I got asked in a phone interview once, “So, is there anything about having kink in your life that has made it hard?” The person asked me that question many different times in many different ways. Trying to get me to say something like : “yes, I feel bad I’m a freak because the mainstream just tears me apart.” That’s not the case for me. Maybe cause I’m half in and half out. Hell my picture is posted on enough kinky sites anyway. For me, being kinky is just part of who I am and I refuse to feel bad for it. Sometimes I doubt myself and my choices, who doesn’t? But the guy didn’t understand what he was asking. He might have well asked a man born at birth blind, if he regretted never seeing the colors of a sunset. That man has never seen so he doesn’t know what he is missing. I’ve never been the mainstream type girl. I never fit into groups that were considered “normal” by the mainstream media or people who live in that type of life.
I don’t know what it’s like to go to prom, I don’t know what it’s like to be a popular cheerleader (although I do know what it’s like to tackle a cheerleader in flag football). Those things I will never know because part of me doesn’t really care to know. Do I want a house with a white picket fence and neighbors to come over on the weekend while my stud of a husband cooks meat on the grill? Well, as long as I have a dungeon in the basement, frequent flier miles, and my neighbors (at least some of them) are kinky too. Then that “American Dream” might be bearable for me.
~Raven~
Now I know I could never do what He does. First, I’m not a geek, although I am a geek fan girl. I never excelled in things that were not interactions in the way I see them. Take nursing, you interact with a whole shit load of people on many different levels. That’s my kind of thing. Going in and seeing what needs to be done and doing it. Then seeing the changes you’ve created. If I’m looking at lines in a book about how to put something together, I can’t read that in that format. So of coarse I am not going to be in those type of fields reading lines of codes or how to guides. Just not my scene.
So what the hell does this have to do with kink? Well, balance. That’s the simplest connection I can find really. I talked to Sir today about this and asked Him His opinions on a subject that really interests me. The answer came down to balance, at least how I translated what He said. Some people in life do things for themselves and they don’t really care about others in the process. Me? I don’t think I could be like that, no matter how many times in the past I’ve been accused of it. I stop and think, if even for a moment, about the outcome of my actions and how they might effect someone else. Sometimes I think more then others, again just the nature of the beast.
There are also other people who are out there doing their own thing. Now be it for whatever reason, they are just happy swimming in their damn fish pond. I think if I thought about it, my sister is kind of like this in a limited way. She knows everyone, everything, and just about anything you could want to know about the place where we both grew up. That is, she knows who is fucking who, who did what to who, and so on. It is a very extensive knowledge base. The thing I think that makes her different is she could go anywhere and do that, she just doesn’t care at this moment. She talks about moving over seas, and she talks about moving away. A lot of talk but I think someday she just might do it. Hell, she got married and we were all betting against that (funny thing is, she’s still married).
But there are lots of people out there in the kink world who have their own style or M/O. Sometimes I sit back and watch. That’s one thing that I am not recognized for or maybe I am and I just don’t know it yet. I really do like to sit and watch how people interact on a social level in the kink world. It’s not fair to put people into boxes and I am not doing that. I’m just taking a few examples and making some mental connections. There are those people who are so graceful. That’s what I call it anyway. They go into a room, do their thing, smile/laugh/have fun, and go on to the next thing.
Part of me wonders of those people are dancers. Because the ones I’ve seen and met are in the very least performers. I don’t mean they get up and dance on cue or that they are a trained money to spin the turn crank. I mean they light up the room and bring a great energy into the scene and do it so gracefully it usually leaves me speechless. Beyond that it leaves me looking inward at myself to better myself not grumble about oh how I wish I could be them. Because in all honesty I could be that graceful person that brightens up the room. I know when I met my Sir the second time I was that person who just bounced across the room and gave Him the biggest hug. I made His night and He made mine. Not to down play that, but to me in my mind that’s “small scale”. The people I am talking about do that on a larger scale. Not saying that one is better then the other, because both are special and take special people. But if I knew how to extend myself and brighten up more then one person’s room at a time, I would.
I want this world to be a positive place for growth and other things. I think that there are very special people out there working hard to make that world expand and reach more people who may feel lost in the dark. For many years I was one of those people who was lost in the dark and feeling so far down I didn’t know what way I was going or who I was deep down inside. Part of me wants to explain and let more people in to that time period so they can better understand me. And with that comes another view point for them. Yes, we go through good days and bad, but knowing that we aren’t the only ones gives us a connection. A point to grow on and to hopefully pull us towards something that helps us grow as a person.
I got asked in a phone interview once, “So, is there anything about having kink in your life that has made it hard?” The person asked me that question many different times in many different ways. Trying to get me to say something like : “yes, I feel bad I’m a freak because the mainstream just tears me apart.” That’s not the case for me. Maybe cause I’m half in and half out. Hell my picture is posted on enough kinky sites anyway. For me, being kinky is just part of who I am and I refuse to feel bad for it. Sometimes I doubt myself and my choices, who doesn’t? But the guy didn’t understand what he was asking. He might have well asked a man born at birth blind, if he regretted never seeing the colors of a sunset. That man has never seen so he doesn’t know what he is missing. I’ve never been the mainstream type girl. I never fit into groups that were considered “normal” by the mainstream media or people who live in that type of life.
I don’t know what it’s like to go to prom, I don’t know what it’s like to be a popular cheerleader (although I do know what it’s like to tackle a cheerleader in flag football). Those things I will never know because part of me doesn’t really care to know. Do I want a house with a white picket fence and neighbors to come over on the weekend while my stud of a husband cooks meat on the grill? Well, as long as I have a dungeon in the basement, frequent flier miles, and my neighbors (at least some of them) are kinky too. Then that “American Dream” might be bearable for me.
~Raven~
Saturday, August 28, 2010
New thoughts on Ordeals and Figging
Hello E/everyone. Hope that this weekend rocks for everyone. At the D.C GRUE relaxing for a moment while I wait for a figging class. I have always wanted to try figging, but wanted to watch someone else do it first. You know that kind of thing where you research it and read all the “warnings”. You still think it’s fun, but you want to make sure you do it right or understand the consequences of your actions. Figging is the type of thing (from my reading) that once you start, you cannot stop. So that alone gives me pause. I have a few lists set up for myself as far as kinks/fetishes go. The first list is the group of things I’m willing and most likely only want to do by myself. That’s things like heat sensations and things I’m not wanting to share with anyone else. The next list is things I really, really want to try but I don’t want to do it alone. I want a back up plan in case things go horribly wrong. Figging is on that list. Sure anyone can shove a piece of ginger in their body.
Now time for me to do figging…correction, now time for the figging class where I watch it. Then figure out if it’s still something I want to do. Yes this blog post is going to be broken up and written in a sort of real time fashion, but that is only because I can stand doing it just this one time.
<\_~
Well, I just had a lovely conversation with someone who was so refreshing to talk to on many levels. Learning and sharing time with someone who is well versed in the areas that you yourself are working towards is just lovely. It makes you realize that it can and is being done.
There is so much I want to say, but feel so limited due to the words we have to describe these beautiful butterflies. I am waiting for the fishbowl though, that is something I think would be helpful to me. The rope bottom round table that went on was very good vibes. I’m so happy that others just kept it going and in my mind it was productive for me. Right now, I have no clue where Sir is at. But relaxing and taking a moment for myself just feels right. I have this time where I know I need to reset myself. Some things did grind on my nerves, but that had to do with every day life and things I still have to learn to deal with internally.
While talking to this lovely lady, I realized that I am not clear on what I think is the next level in my path. So maybe that is a wrong word choice. I think what I want is a way to stay more focused on my path and figure out how my path mixes and interacts with Sir and the path He is on. This goes back to the ordeal path and my reading of books on that topic. I am really drawn towards it, and I guess the goddess wanted to give me a clear understanding of what that path included. Sometimes, you don’t get a choice in the matter of ordeal path. Sickness happens. For the first week I was going out of my mind insane with pain and fear. Those two things overtook me. I didn’t know what was wrong with my body, I didn’t know much of anything. There were times when I couldn’t even think. Taking “that” away from me made me unsure. It was a feeling of helplessness and that lead to other feelings.
One of my biggest hang ups is the dealing with pain. Because of the way I grew up, my family, and other factors, I have this mental block of not knowing what I’m in “too much pain.” I have never passed out from pain. I have twice given up because of the pain. The first time I was getting my blood drawn for the 3rd time that week. The previous two blood tests came back normal. I had twisted and flinched and had my normal reactions to the needle going in and out. The 3rd time, however, mentally I was defeated. At that point the pain was constant. There was no relief. And here is this nurse just trying to help me and knowing my reaction to needles feels bad for me. But I don’t move. I just check out mentally. She finishes and then I start crying . Not because of the pain, but because my mind clicked and mentally I could not go on. I did walk to the waiting area to where Sir was, eyes red and I flopped down. I went from crying to bawling my eyes out, shaking and Him having to drag me out of the waiting area to the car. Once we got to the car I clicked back. Okay I just walked from the waiting area to the car. I didn’t think I could do it but I did. So that must mean I’m not done yet. I still have more to give.
The next time was in the ER. I went in and waiting for 2 hours about. I didn’t have a watch nor did I care. At one point I went to the nurses and begged them to help me. At this point I hadn’t had food in 5-6 days and I hadn’t had liquids in about 3 days. Yes, I know what it’s like to want water so badly, but to not be able to drink it. To have the thing I wanted most in the world, just a fucking glass of water, and my body couldn’t handle taking it in. That was very defeating for me. The nurses couldn’t do anything till the process of checking me in was done and there was a room in the ER for me. So I walking and stumbled to the back corner of the ER and laid down. I don’t know what is going on, suddenly I wake up and all the people who were there before waiting were gone. I felt my face and it was covered in drool. I just had given up at that point on feeling any relief. I did get it later on that night, and was shocked. That was one turning point for me. Ever since then water is like gold to me. I collect water bottles and won’t toss any of it away.
To end this blog entry I want to go back to the start for a moment. Figging. I think I’m not really going to be thrilled with a ginger root up my ass, but the sounds of getting ginger on my pussy is much better. Just my own observations and talking with the demo bottom who sounds a lot like me along the lines of how the sensations line up. Although yes we know no two people are alike, but I had the feeling that I’d enjoy it more on my pussy then ass. But hey, I can always try both.
~Raven~
Now time for me to do figging…correction, now time for the figging class where I watch it. Then figure out if it’s still something I want to do. Yes this blog post is going to be broken up and written in a sort of real time fashion, but that is only because I can stand doing it just this one time.
<\_~
Well, I just had a lovely conversation with someone who was so refreshing to talk to on many levels. Learning and sharing time with someone who is well versed in the areas that you yourself are working towards is just lovely. It makes you realize that it can and is being done.
There is so much I want to say, but feel so limited due to the words we have to describe these beautiful butterflies. I am waiting for the fishbowl though, that is something I think would be helpful to me. The rope bottom round table that went on was very good vibes. I’m so happy that others just kept it going and in my mind it was productive for me. Right now, I have no clue where Sir is at. But relaxing and taking a moment for myself just feels right. I have this time where I know I need to reset myself. Some things did grind on my nerves, but that had to do with every day life and things I still have to learn to deal with internally.
While talking to this lovely lady, I realized that I am not clear on what I think is the next level in my path. So maybe that is a wrong word choice. I think what I want is a way to stay more focused on my path and figure out how my path mixes and interacts with Sir and the path He is on. This goes back to the ordeal path and my reading of books on that topic. I am really drawn towards it, and I guess the goddess wanted to give me a clear understanding of what that path included. Sometimes, you don’t get a choice in the matter of ordeal path. Sickness happens. For the first week I was going out of my mind insane with pain and fear. Those two things overtook me. I didn’t know what was wrong with my body, I didn’t know much of anything. There were times when I couldn’t even think. Taking “that” away from me made me unsure. It was a feeling of helplessness and that lead to other feelings.
One of my biggest hang ups is the dealing with pain. Because of the way I grew up, my family, and other factors, I have this mental block of not knowing what I’m in “too much pain.” I have never passed out from pain. I have twice given up because of the pain. The first time I was getting my blood drawn for the 3rd time that week. The previous two blood tests came back normal. I had twisted and flinched and had my normal reactions to the needle going in and out. The 3rd time, however, mentally I was defeated. At that point the pain was constant. There was no relief. And here is this nurse just trying to help me and knowing my reaction to needles feels bad for me. But I don’t move. I just check out mentally. She finishes and then I start crying . Not because of the pain, but because my mind clicked and mentally I could not go on. I did walk to the waiting area to where Sir was, eyes red and I flopped down. I went from crying to bawling my eyes out, shaking and Him having to drag me out of the waiting area to the car. Once we got to the car I clicked back. Okay I just walked from the waiting area to the car. I didn’t think I could do it but I did. So that must mean I’m not done yet. I still have more to give.
The next time was in the ER. I went in and waiting for 2 hours about. I didn’t have a watch nor did I care. At one point I went to the nurses and begged them to help me. At this point I hadn’t had food in 5-6 days and I hadn’t had liquids in about 3 days. Yes, I know what it’s like to want water so badly, but to not be able to drink it. To have the thing I wanted most in the world, just a fucking glass of water, and my body couldn’t handle taking it in. That was very defeating for me. The nurses couldn’t do anything till the process of checking me in was done and there was a room in the ER for me. So I walking and stumbled to the back corner of the ER and laid down. I don’t know what is going on, suddenly I wake up and all the people who were there before waiting were gone. I felt my face and it was covered in drool. I just had given up at that point on feeling any relief. I did get it later on that night, and was shocked. That was one turning point for me. Ever since then water is like gold to me. I collect water bottles and won’t toss any of it away.
To end this blog entry I want to go back to the start for a moment. Figging. I think I’m not really going to be thrilled with a ginger root up my ass, but the sounds of getting ginger on my pussy is much better. Just my own observations and talking with the demo bottom who sounds a lot like me along the lines of how the sensations line up. Although yes we know no two people are alike, but I had the feeling that I’d enjoy it more on my pussy then ass. But hey, I can always try both.
~Raven~
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