I wrote a post about this in the past, that went on forever. With all I wrote about I still never got to the heart of the matter because I was too busy trying to cover all bases. Trying to make sure that every kinky person who read it would have their warnings and what not so as not to offend them. Well, Shit happens, if you find this to be so against what you think, I can solve that for you. SHIT HAPPENS, get over it. Stop reading now!! I really don’t want you to pop the blood vessels in your eyes if you can’t handle someone having their own opinion.
These are just my ever evolving opinions on subjects that I find the need to keep thinking about until I can come up with an acceptable answer for myself. Not for you sitting at your computer desk reading this, but for me, my self and fucking I. I have this urge to keep revisiting areas until I am sure I have come to the best fit for me. Does that mean you can use this to help yourself? Sure. Don’t take my word as gold, what works for me, doesn’t work for everyone else.
I want to make a quick pit stop at SSC and why it bothers me so damn much. I could never really put into words why until recently. When I met a newbie and got to remembering what it was like to be new to the kink world. I’ve never really forgotten cause I still consider myself a newbie, but I have a little background in different areas. First thing that bugs me about the terms is the terms themselves and how they are used. I spent time retyping and going over what the terms Safe and Sane meant, in general. Here’s what I got:
“Safe
Adjective
1.secure from liability to harm, injury, danger, or risk. A safe place.
2. Free from hurt, injury, danger, or risk; to arrive safe and sound.
3. Involving little or no risk of mishap, error, ect. A safe estimate.
4. Dependable or trustworthy: a safe guide.
5.Careful to avoid danger or controversy: a safe player; a safe play.
6. Denied the chance to do harm; in secure custody: a criminal safe in jail.”
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/safe
“Sane:
Adjective
1. Free from mental derangement; having a sound, healthy mind: a sane person.
2. Having or showing reason, sound judgment, or good sense: sane advice.
3. Sound; healthy.”
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/sane
We can say sure what we do is SSC by our standards. But lets really ask ourselves is it sane to do what we do at all? By the standards of the general public that would be a big no. This is one reason I have to laugh at those people sitting in the camp of “my kink is better then your kink.” If that camp works good for you, more power to you. It doesn’t work for me. How can we point at someone doing “edge play” and say “that’s not safe or sane, you shouldn’t do it!” To me that is the pot calling the kettle black.
The next point that really makes me not like SSC comes from my past and the people I’ve played with in the past as well as people I see/hear about in passing. These people that chant SSC are the biggest lairs of them all in my opinion. Like chanting SSC is really going to make tying someone up, flogging them, and fucking them any more safer then what it is already. It’s like some people out there, I’ll call them vultures to denote the difference, are going round spinning stories to newbies about SSC. It’s one of their tools to get this newbie to play with them. “Oh, I ONLY do things that are SSC, and you should trust me because I follow SSC to the letter, I would never ever do RACK or anything else because that is TOO dangerous and I would never ever hurt you.” The vultures who use this line are full of shit. But it works for them because the rest of the community doesn’t want to look bad legally so we go rounds say yes what we do is SSC, Yes you should only follow SSC. Yes lets set you up to play with someone who is just using SSC as a cover to take advantage of the situation and phrase.
RACK, I can agree with and for the most part am in favor of just because as I see it most everything is covered. Sure, I am aware of the downsides of this term/idea. But at least it’s more honest. Within the community, while talking to people of the community I think it’s should be RACK. If we have to talk to a vanilla or in a court maybe we can push SSC past them like we do the newbies. But every lawyer out there is going to say really? Hanging someone upside down and having them suck your cock/eat your pussy? That’s sane? Are you fucking shitting me?
When It comes to me, I know the risks that my play involves, as well as the risks other forms of play involve that I don’t do. Why? Cause I’m a nebshit and I like to learn about as much as I can on different topics. But I also know that I am not a god. I cannot control, nor can any other human out there control everything. Yes we get off to giving up control, getting control, or both. But we cannot see accidents coming, from equipment failing to slip ups in play. That factor is always going to be there. I call that part of play “shit happens.” Anything can happen, accepting that and going forward is how I play.
If I don’t admit that I know something “could” happen to me, then I’m just being foolish. That’s how I see it. Accepting that hey I do some pretty insane shit, edge play or whatever you want to call it. But there has always been a part of it that was RACK and a part that was giving up control to the universe of, hell, shit happens.
One last quick note before I go take a nap or something. I’d like to thank a few people for helping me figure out how I wanted to say all this. They didn’t say things the way I did, but they did tell me how they felt on this area and helped shaped my own opinions. Thanks Kuve, Dov, B.Playful, and others out there who have talked and shared their opinions with me.
~Raven~
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Monday, July 12, 2010
Ass Play Stores. . .cause we all need a good laugh.
In no real order I felt the urge to share stories on the topic of ass play. I’ve not really done it much, but what I’ve done I’ve found pretty funny. The first story comes from a while back in my “younger days” of kink when I was a full blown newbie. This time period of my life was fast and slow, as well as filled with day dream ideas of fun and excitement with the thoughts of new things.
I was in a poly relationship, where I had a Dom and He had other submissives. I got along with His “first” girl very well, and she with me. Stroke of luck if you ask me now looking back on everything but we had a great weekend together. They had anal beads and I had anal sex before once but never tried toys. The beads to me looked big, you know when your younger everything looks bigger then it is, keep that in mind ladies. I was blindfolded laying across the bed, ass up in the air. She was playing with my hair at some points and He was telling me what to do as He slide the beads in. I really could not tell how far in the beads where but for the most part I was enjoying it. At the same time she had pulled out her phone and called our friends and handed Him the phone. He whispered something that my ears caught. “wow, I didn’t think she’d get this many beads in, I have one left.” My mind clicked, as many of my friends have seen it click. I started screaming my safe word, my muscles tended up, and it took them 5 minutes to relax me from my state of holy fuck what’s in my ass?
A few years later I bought the same anal beads and got them all the way in my ass. . . And if I didn’t misplace them in my move I’d still be using them. They’re really not as bad or as big as I worked them up to be in my mind. I find myself laughing at that story still, just cause my over reaction to what I heard. Lesson: ear plugs might have been a good thing to invest in.
Next story. . . This one is priceless. It cracks me up and makes me smile because Sir really pulled one over on me. We had won an njoy small size plug at an event we went to, and well He just had to try it out. Okay, yes I HAD to try it as well. It went it a lot easier then I thought it would. Hell, even to this day it goes in easier then I thought it would. We finish packing up for the trip home and get on the road. I get hungry and ask if we can stop for some food.
He was most agreeable, maybe too agreeable. We ate a lovely lunch then He got up to use the rest room. I really had to use the rest room as well so I waited until He got back and hopped up and when I saw Him heading over. On the way past He whispered in my ear “make sure you don’t drop it.” I had a big smile on my face cause I knew I had done anal play before and He didn’t. I thought I had it in the bag. I had the advantage over him.
I get in and the bathroom is lovely. Each stall had a sink of its own and was really well laid out. I started doing my business and suddenly I heard something. CLANK, that’s what it sounded like and my face dropped. I stopped breathing for a few moment. I slowly turned and looked slightly behind me. FUCK, it’s an auto flushing toilet! I had 2.5 seconds to make up my mind. And I hate toilet water. I was freaking out and then I heard the dreaded sound. Without thinking I reached down and grabbed it, that took less then 2.5 seconds. Something I never thought I’d do. I slowly stood and faced the sink and for the next 3 minutes with as hot as I could get the water I scrubbed my hands and the toy. It might have been longer, but I popped the plug back in. No way in hell I’d go back to Sir and not have the toy in place. By the way, hot water+ metal toy =hot metal toy. Oh yes at least that was pleasant. I slowly put myself together and start out of the stall. There was a line of ladies. All of them giving me nasty looks. I looked at the ground, ran across the store, and grabbed Sir by His arm. Dragged Him to the coffee shop and then dragged Him to the car.
Half way to the car I busted out laughing and had to attempted telling Him the story a few times between laughing. I was so pissed that He had the upper hand the whole time and I didn’t want to admit it. But that is one of the things I totally enjoy, being out smarted.
I was in a poly relationship, where I had a Dom and He had other submissives. I got along with His “first” girl very well, and she with me. Stroke of luck if you ask me now looking back on everything but we had a great weekend together. They had anal beads and I had anal sex before once but never tried toys. The beads to me looked big, you know when your younger everything looks bigger then it is, keep that in mind ladies. I was blindfolded laying across the bed, ass up in the air. She was playing with my hair at some points and He was telling me what to do as He slide the beads in. I really could not tell how far in the beads where but for the most part I was enjoying it. At the same time she had pulled out her phone and called our friends and handed Him the phone. He whispered something that my ears caught. “wow, I didn’t think she’d get this many beads in, I have one left.” My mind clicked, as many of my friends have seen it click. I started screaming my safe word, my muscles tended up, and it took them 5 minutes to relax me from my state of holy fuck what’s in my ass?
A few years later I bought the same anal beads and got them all the way in my ass. . . And if I didn’t misplace them in my move I’d still be using them. They’re really not as bad or as big as I worked them up to be in my mind. I find myself laughing at that story still, just cause my over reaction to what I heard. Lesson: ear plugs might have been a good thing to invest in.
Next story. . . This one is priceless. It cracks me up and makes me smile because Sir really pulled one over on me. We had won an njoy small size plug at an event we went to, and well He just had to try it out. Okay, yes I HAD to try it as well. It went it a lot easier then I thought it would. Hell, even to this day it goes in easier then I thought it would. We finish packing up for the trip home and get on the road. I get hungry and ask if we can stop for some food.
He was most agreeable, maybe too agreeable. We ate a lovely lunch then He got up to use the rest room. I really had to use the rest room as well so I waited until He got back and hopped up and when I saw Him heading over. On the way past He whispered in my ear “make sure you don’t drop it.” I had a big smile on my face cause I knew I had done anal play before and He didn’t. I thought I had it in the bag. I had the advantage over him.
I get in and the bathroom is lovely. Each stall had a sink of its own and was really well laid out. I started doing my business and suddenly I heard something. CLANK, that’s what it sounded like and my face dropped. I stopped breathing for a few moment. I slowly turned and looked slightly behind me. FUCK, it’s an auto flushing toilet! I had 2.5 seconds to make up my mind. And I hate toilet water. I was freaking out and then I heard the dreaded sound. Without thinking I reached down and grabbed it, that took less then 2.5 seconds. Something I never thought I’d do. I slowly stood and faced the sink and for the next 3 minutes with as hot as I could get the water I scrubbed my hands and the toy. It might have been longer, but I popped the plug back in. No way in hell I’d go back to Sir and not have the toy in place. By the way, hot water+ metal toy =hot metal toy. Oh yes at least that was pleasant. I slowly put myself together and start out of the stall. There was a line of ladies. All of them giving me nasty looks. I looked at the ground, ran across the store, and grabbed Sir by His arm. Dragged Him to the coffee shop and then dragged Him to the car.
Half way to the car I busted out laughing and had to attempted telling Him the story a few times between laughing. I was so pissed that He had the upper hand the whole time and I didn’t want to admit it. But that is one of the things I totally enjoy, being out smarted.
Sunday, July 11, 2010
First times:Suspension and Kitty Play Party.
I have to say, that I have put off writing about anything for a while now because I have had no focus, I have not had something that moved me to write and post what I’ve written. But I wanted to write this story of events for myself so I can keep it fresh and enjoy reliving it.
I went to classes for a few days and listened to people talk. I saw a few faces I knew and had seen play before so I knew that they had an idea of what they were doing/talking about. I finally some how grew a back bone and asked what I wanted to ask to a presenter. It simply came down to this: How can I get past my own mind when it keeps telling me I cannot be suspended. He was nice and sat down and talked with me for a few minutes about it. The answer was rather simple and one I didn’t want to hear because I already knew it but didn’t want to admit it.
First, there is no try, I am either going to be suspended or not. Second, It can be done if I trust the person doing it. Third, it’s going to be different/uncomfortable/ not pleasant. At this point I side track to mention I agree with the fact that the female body was made to with stand and take pain. Babies, PMS, and men prove that point clearly. So I know I like a bit of pain, but I don’t consider myself a pain slut. The tools were given to me and I walked outside for a smoke.
My partner was there and I was very nervous clearly. Puffed away two smokes before I told Him what was on my mind. It was so simple yet I had such a hard time saying it. {flashback} Earlier that night I had a bad feeling and had told Him I wanted to pass on playing that night. I didn’t know what was wrong with me, I wanted to play but something in the back of my mind wasn’t right. I was almost in tears when I told Him what I was feeling. {back to current part} By the end of the second smoke I was able to collect myself enough to tell Him simply: “You are going to suspend me tonight. Let me know when You are ready.”
Yeah, I’ve got to give control up to this person who I just told Him what He’s going to do. Can we say I have control issues? (laughs). Being aware of those issues allows me to work on them and move forward. He smiles His great amazing smile and takes my hand. Down to the dungeons we go. We searched out a few rooms and sat in one room that was smaller. Waiting and waiting made me worried. What if I loose my resolve to do this? What If I start over thinking all this stuff? That was my biggest problem. Over thinking everything.
He went off to look over the dungeons again to look for a rig. He found one and came back and got me. As I walked behind Him I started to watch my breathing. I was breathing too rapidly. I needed to relax. Not think. Slowing down the breathing. I usually watch Him set things up and start tying. This time I didn’t. I couldn’t or I wouldn’t be able to do this task. I looked at the ground and focused on my breathing and Him. I heard the click of His ring going up. Yes, it was the largest of the dungeons, but some things you notice. Things that get you excited at what is coming next. He moved me backwards under the ring and put my hands up on the ring. I looked over at Him and said “you can tie my hands, you can do it however you want.”
I know my partner likes to have hands tie, it’s a control thing. And I’ve had such a hard time with that in the past. I wanted to have Him do it however He wanted, I wanted Him to get His kicks. He smiled, kissed me, and said no, He wanted to do it this way. I smiled and nodded. Then the focus came into play. I kept my eyes are my arms and at a place between my elbows. I didn’t watch the ropes go on, I didn’t pay attention to the order. I just enjoyed the feeling of them touching my skin and focused harder on clearing my mind. Focus on not focusing. That’s the concept. I kept going with it.
I heard a nose from the side. I thought oh, someone’s having fun. Then went back to focusing and things faded away again. I heard a louder nose from the same side. Wow, I’m sure they’re having a good time. Back to what I needed to do. Then this sound I’ve never heard before. So loud and I just had to turn my head. What I saw was something of pure beauty. I couldn’t turn my eyes away. I watched for maybe a minute before I was almost in tears. I was blinking the tears away after two minutes. The scene was so moving and beautiful. It made me forget where I was at and what I was about to do.
Then I came back to what my scene was and did as I was told. Lean back. The ropes didn’t pinch or make me want to scream this time around. Instead I felt my body relax into the ropes and I was suspended. It was so much more then I thought it would be. Again almost in tears over how happy I was to be able to do this task. I had climbed the mountain that had been haunting me for weeks/months. My fears had faded away in the ropes and I was in a state of pure happiness. He blindfolded me and tied my hands up the ropes. He started to tie my foot when I felt a wave of nausea. I notice I do get that way when something suddenly isn’t right with my body. I told Him and He got me up and I felt like I was still flying. I wanted to dance in His arms to the music but I’m sure I would’ve fallen on my face. My legs were unsteady and felt like jello.
It was something that I totally enjoyed doing. Suspension went from something that haunted me to something that was a new twisted enjoyment.
I wanted to share this for a few reasons. One, it was pretty amazing for me. And Two I have read a thread about loud noses and people being angry about their scene being interrupted. I talked with my partner about the loud scene after we got back to the hotel room. My comment went more like: “OMFG DID YOU SEE THAT AMAZING SCENE THAT XXXXX WAS DOING?! IT WAS SO BEAUTIFULLY MOVING AND JUST MADE ME SPEECHLESS.” Yeah, I was taken out of my scene. . .but I cannot think of a better way to be taken out of a scene then to see something that was so beautiful and opened my own eyes to a world that I have been missing. A new way of thinking and feeling . . . That was the highlight of my shibaricon. To be suspended and to witness a scene that moved me in a way that I’ve not been moved ever by a scene, not even by one I’ve done.
Notes:
I wrote this post a long time ago but never thought to post it in my blog. I tend to have a back log on my posts. Lots of writing that needs touched up and what not before I post it. but this one is lovely enough to add to this collection. I should also take a moment to talk about kitty play party I went to at shibaricon. That was the most fun I've ever had in that setting. I always thought I was odd and not able to mix my love of ropes and kitty play. Hell, before last year I didn't know that kitty play had a name. It was just me getting in touch with a part of me that I enjoy.
But the party, Hosted by Physchkat, was the best EVER, I also have to thank Jack and His friends for all they did as well for the party. LOVED the lazier pointer. . . I was so far and deep into kitty space it was totally lovely. I was floating. Even after when I went for a smoke out side in front of the hotel, I was still in kitty space. I saw a wrapper go floating across the pavement and almost jumped after it. Thankfully I had a little self control.
Thanks to everyone, 1,000 thanks to the staff and everyone who helped at shibaricon. Totally loved it.
~Raven~
I went to classes for a few days and listened to people talk. I saw a few faces I knew and had seen play before so I knew that they had an idea of what they were doing/talking about. I finally some how grew a back bone and asked what I wanted to ask to a presenter. It simply came down to this: How can I get past my own mind when it keeps telling me I cannot be suspended. He was nice and sat down and talked with me for a few minutes about it. The answer was rather simple and one I didn’t want to hear because I already knew it but didn’t want to admit it.
First, there is no try, I am either going to be suspended or not. Second, It can be done if I trust the person doing it. Third, it’s going to be different/uncomfortable/ not pleasant. At this point I side track to mention I agree with the fact that the female body was made to with stand and take pain. Babies, PMS, and men prove that point clearly. So I know I like a bit of pain, but I don’t consider myself a pain slut. The tools were given to me and I walked outside for a smoke.
My partner was there and I was very nervous clearly. Puffed away two smokes before I told Him what was on my mind. It was so simple yet I had such a hard time saying it. {flashback} Earlier that night I had a bad feeling and had told Him I wanted to pass on playing that night. I didn’t know what was wrong with me, I wanted to play but something in the back of my mind wasn’t right. I was almost in tears when I told Him what I was feeling. {back to current part} By the end of the second smoke I was able to collect myself enough to tell Him simply: “You are going to suspend me tonight. Let me know when You are ready.”
Yeah, I’ve got to give control up to this person who I just told Him what He’s going to do. Can we say I have control issues? (laughs). Being aware of those issues allows me to work on them and move forward. He smiles His great amazing smile and takes my hand. Down to the dungeons we go. We searched out a few rooms and sat in one room that was smaller. Waiting and waiting made me worried. What if I loose my resolve to do this? What If I start over thinking all this stuff? That was my biggest problem. Over thinking everything.
He went off to look over the dungeons again to look for a rig. He found one and came back and got me. As I walked behind Him I started to watch my breathing. I was breathing too rapidly. I needed to relax. Not think. Slowing down the breathing. I usually watch Him set things up and start tying. This time I didn’t. I couldn’t or I wouldn’t be able to do this task. I looked at the ground and focused on my breathing and Him. I heard the click of His ring going up. Yes, it was the largest of the dungeons, but some things you notice. Things that get you excited at what is coming next. He moved me backwards under the ring and put my hands up on the ring. I looked over at Him and said “you can tie my hands, you can do it however you want.”
I know my partner likes to have hands tie, it’s a control thing. And I’ve had such a hard time with that in the past. I wanted to have Him do it however He wanted, I wanted Him to get His kicks. He smiled, kissed me, and said no, He wanted to do it this way. I smiled and nodded. Then the focus came into play. I kept my eyes are my arms and at a place between my elbows. I didn’t watch the ropes go on, I didn’t pay attention to the order. I just enjoyed the feeling of them touching my skin and focused harder on clearing my mind. Focus on not focusing. That’s the concept. I kept going with it.
I heard a nose from the side. I thought oh, someone’s having fun. Then went back to focusing and things faded away again. I heard a louder nose from the same side. Wow, I’m sure they’re having a good time. Back to what I needed to do. Then this sound I’ve never heard before. So loud and I just had to turn my head. What I saw was something of pure beauty. I couldn’t turn my eyes away. I watched for maybe a minute before I was almost in tears. I was blinking the tears away after two minutes. The scene was so moving and beautiful. It made me forget where I was at and what I was about to do.
Then I came back to what my scene was and did as I was told. Lean back. The ropes didn’t pinch or make me want to scream this time around. Instead I felt my body relax into the ropes and I was suspended. It was so much more then I thought it would be. Again almost in tears over how happy I was to be able to do this task. I had climbed the mountain that had been haunting me for weeks/months. My fears had faded away in the ropes and I was in a state of pure happiness. He blindfolded me and tied my hands up the ropes. He started to tie my foot when I felt a wave of nausea. I notice I do get that way when something suddenly isn’t right with my body. I told Him and He got me up and I felt like I was still flying. I wanted to dance in His arms to the music but I’m sure I would’ve fallen on my face. My legs were unsteady and felt like jello.
It was something that I totally enjoyed doing. Suspension went from something that haunted me to something that was a new twisted enjoyment.
I wanted to share this for a few reasons. One, it was pretty amazing for me. And Two I have read a thread about loud noses and people being angry about their scene being interrupted. I talked with my partner about the loud scene after we got back to the hotel room. My comment went more like: “OMFG DID YOU SEE THAT AMAZING SCENE THAT XXXXX WAS DOING?! IT WAS SO BEAUTIFULLY MOVING AND JUST MADE ME SPEECHLESS.” Yeah, I was taken out of my scene. . .but I cannot think of a better way to be taken out of a scene then to see something that was so beautiful and opened my own eyes to a world that I have been missing. A new way of thinking and feeling . . . That was the highlight of my shibaricon. To be suspended and to witness a scene that moved me in a way that I’ve not been moved ever by a scene, not even by one I’ve done.
Notes:
I wrote this post a long time ago but never thought to post it in my blog. I tend to have a back log on my posts. Lots of writing that needs touched up and what not before I post it. but this one is lovely enough to add to this collection. I should also take a moment to talk about kitty play party I went to at shibaricon. That was the most fun I've ever had in that setting. I always thought I was odd and not able to mix my love of ropes and kitty play. Hell, before last year I didn't know that kitty play had a name. It was just me getting in touch with a part of me that I enjoy.
But the party, Hosted by Physchkat, was the best EVER, I also have to thank Jack and His friends for all they did as well for the party. LOVED the lazier pointer. . . I was so far and deep into kitty space it was totally lovely. I was floating. Even after when I went for a smoke out side in front of the hotel, I was still in kitty space. I saw a wrapper go floating across the pavement and almost jumped after it. Thankfully I had a little self control.
Thanks to everyone, 1,000 thanks to the staff and everyone who helped at shibaricon. Totally loved it.
~Raven~
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Taboo Mix and Match
I have this urge to talk about kitty play and myself. I never had anyone to share this part of me until recently. It was my limited understanding of the kink world that took me so long to find kitty play. As well as my want to keep my life in neat little boxes. I am a pagan, I can’t insult others or it was too taboo to mix pagan with any other area of my life. I thought the boxes would keep my life balanced. I have to be well centered and balanced in order to move forward. My foolish thought was being balanced all the time was the goal. It’s not, being as balanced as one can be and rolling with the flow of life is one of my goals, and I believe it’s one of the less foolish goals. A few months ago I thought to maybe it’d be okay to mix my faith/religion/whatever you want to call it and my kinky life. I was shocked at how many pagans were into the lifestyle and the groups that I found on fetlife. I have yet to take steps to doing that more then here and there things. I’m reading more books on kink and pagans, looking at and for more websites. I’ve become more comfortable with the idea of mixing areas of my life.
I love rope, I believe I sang that from the mountain tops at one point. I know the rope community is vast and I have not even started to tap into it or spread my wings into the community. I’m a bit too awkward for that at this moment. But I never knew that kitty play existed, and then I never knew that it’d be OK to be into both kitty play and rope. I went to the kitty play party at Shibaricon and had a blast. I went deeper into kitty space then I ever had before on my own. I didn’t feel awkward or out of place. I felt so good and warm and fuzzy. I am learning that it’s okay to drop my walls, to mix and match to what feels right to me. I totally enjoy kitty play with my rope and other areas of life I enjoy. I wonder if what I’m doing is taboo, part of me thinks it’s not but at the same time everything I do can be considered taboo from someone else’s point of view.
More about kitty play. This morning, I woke up and did a few little things and then went back to bed. Woke up a few hours later and Sir greeted me with a hug. He had said I went back to bed, He checked on me twice. Part of me knew He checked on me, when I woke up at one point I saw the bedroom door closed. I know that means He’s been there, looked at me sleeping and closed the door to keep the sound of typing out of the bedroom. Okay so that is something that makes my heart melt, to have Him and my friends check on me every once and a while. Not because it’s a hassle but because they care about me. So I smiled and kissed Him, enjoyed Him holding me for a few moments. Then I got some food and did some more mundane things that you do while waking up. He came over after a while and rubbed my back, touched me and I instantly clicked into kitty space. My kitty side was purring and so damn happy to get this moment of lovely pettings and attentions. I meows, purred and rubbed my paws against His lovely skin. It was a purrrrrrrfect moment.
I’m learning that I am kitty more often and it’s enjoyable for me to let go and open up that part of me. As well as since I can’t have a whole big kinky amazing scene at this moment due to medical issues, I am so enjoying these little scenes. Hopefully this lesson will stick with me and I will be able to not be so apprehensive about going into a scene. I know my outlook for the last few months has been this big grand idea of rope and lovely scenes and I’ve always backed away from doing them on days when I was tired or just didn’t think I could finish a scene. Now I enjoy short little “scenes” and know that it’s not how long a scene is that makes it a lovely, amazing.
~Raven~
I love rope, I believe I sang that from the mountain tops at one point. I know the rope community is vast and I have not even started to tap into it or spread my wings into the community. I’m a bit too awkward for that at this moment. But I never knew that kitty play existed, and then I never knew that it’d be OK to be into both kitty play and rope. I went to the kitty play party at Shibaricon and had a blast. I went deeper into kitty space then I ever had before on my own. I didn’t feel awkward or out of place. I felt so good and warm and fuzzy. I am learning that it’s okay to drop my walls, to mix and match to what feels right to me. I totally enjoy kitty play with my rope and other areas of life I enjoy. I wonder if what I’m doing is taboo, part of me thinks it’s not but at the same time everything I do can be considered taboo from someone else’s point of view.
More about kitty play. This morning, I woke up and did a few little things and then went back to bed. Woke up a few hours later and Sir greeted me with a hug. He had said I went back to bed, He checked on me twice. Part of me knew He checked on me, when I woke up at one point I saw the bedroom door closed. I know that means He’s been there, looked at me sleeping and closed the door to keep the sound of typing out of the bedroom. Okay so that is something that makes my heart melt, to have Him and my friends check on me every once and a while. Not because it’s a hassle but because they care about me. So I smiled and kissed Him, enjoyed Him holding me for a few moments. Then I got some food and did some more mundane things that you do while waking up. He came over after a while and rubbed my back, touched me and I instantly clicked into kitty space. My kitty side was purring and so damn happy to get this moment of lovely pettings and attentions. I meows, purred and rubbed my paws against His lovely skin. It was a purrrrrrrfect moment.
I’m learning that I am kitty more often and it’s enjoyable for me to let go and open up that part of me. As well as since I can’t have a whole big kinky amazing scene at this moment due to medical issues, I am so enjoying these little scenes. Hopefully this lesson will stick with me and I will be able to not be so apprehensive about going into a scene. I know my outlook for the last few months has been this big grand idea of rope and lovely scenes and I’ve always backed away from doing them on days when I was tired or just didn’t think I could finish a scene. Now I enjoy short little “scenes” and know that it’s not how long a scene is that makes it a lovely, amazing.
~Raven~
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Know thy Audience
With so much on my mind I attempt to start writing this blog post today. Usually I like to have a theme or idea in mind when I write, but even then I tend to be so elusive as to the thoughts. My attempts from now on will be to complete a thought before I move on to the next one or end a post. The next goal will be to be able to share those thoughts in a reasonable length of reading material. It is made rather hard these days because of this set up. This thing that allows us to share thoughts and ideas with thousands across the world also limits us at the same time. It’s lovely that they have came up with more ways to give us ways to break through those limitations. I have tried in the past to set up and explain things before I start talking about what I wanted to talk about so that I would cut down on the chances I’d offend someone or someone would take what I was saying out of context. Well, hello, no matter what I did or how explained it someone is going to take out of context what I am saying.
By the time I get done explaining I don’t feel like talking about my theories, my thoughts, what I wanted to write. It’s a buzz kill really. To worry so much about being taken out of context. I wrote a short two part piece the other week. Just to have a chance to spread my wings and express what I’m thinking and what not. It was a rather lovely piece of writing. Not complete but a good start and well thought out. But the people who read it did not read what was there or comment about what was there. Instead they read parts of what was there and put their own feelings and thoughts towards what they thought I was saying. Instead of reading what I was saying for what it was: my point of view on one subject. It went as far as some telling me I shouldn’t share my point of view because it will hurt the kink community.
It gets me thinking about different questions. Should I change my opinions and thoughts to protect the community I’m part of? Why? Am I not part of the community and shouldn’t I enjoy thinking for myself? Are my ideas as valid as everyone else’s in the community?
Great, I had a lovely ending to my Blog post and my computer just crapped out on me. I want to beat my head off the coffee table. I want to hurry up and enjoy a short walk while I enjoy this feeling of relief. I did come to a unblock age of something that has been bothering me. What it comes down to is I do take the time to consider who is going to be my audience. When people who are in my target audience take what I am saying so far out of context it bothers to an extent. I spent the time to consider what I wanted to say and who I wanted to say it to, they discount that and answer from a view that is not even at their own education level. My friend summed it up best:
“You weren’t writing for the ‘nilla crowd, you were a scene person talking to scene people and what you wrote should have been accepted in that context.”~Kuve~
Have a lovely day, I’m going out for a short walk and enjoy some fresh air.
~Raven~
By the time I get done explaining I don’t feel like talking about my theories, my thoughts, what I wanted to write. It’s a buzz kill really. To worry so much about being taken out of context. I wrote a short two part piece the other week. Just to have a chance to spread my wings and express what I’m thinking and what not. It was a rather lovely piece of writing. Not complete but a good start and well thought out. But the people who read it did not read what was there or comment about what was there. Instead they read parts of what was there and put their own feelings and thoughts towards what they thought I was saying. Instead of reading what I was saying for what it was: my point of view on one subject. It went as far as some telling me I shouldn’t share my point of view because it will hurt the kink community.
It gets me thinking about different questions. Should I change my opinions and thoughts to protect the community I’m part of? Why? Am I not part of the community and shouldn’t I enjoy thinking for myself? Are my ideas as valid as everyone else’s in the community?
Great, I had a lovely ending to my Blog post and my computer just crapped out on me. I want to beat my head off the coffee table. I want to hurry up and enjoy a short walk while I enjoy this feeling of relief. I did come to a unblock age of something that has been bothering me. What it comes down to is I do take the time to consider who is going to be my audience. When people who are in my target audience take what I am saying so far out of context it bothers to an extent. I spent the time to consider what I wanted to say and who I wanted to say it to, they discount that and answer from a view that is not even at their own education level. My friend summed it up best:
“You weren’t writing for the ‘nilla crowd, you were a scene person talking to scene people and what you wrote should have been accepted in that context.”~Kuve~
Have a lovely day, I’m going out for a short walk and enjoy some fresh air.
~Raven~
Monday, June 21, 2010
In the middle of the storm
I've been reading a book by Lee Harrington for a few weeks now on and off. Making some notes and looking at myself closely. There are so many things I'd like to cover but being in the middle of something is often not the best time to start this type of undertaking. But I wanted to take a minute, while I'm laying here naked and thinking, to tell about some important lessons I'm in the process of learning, as well as talk about parts of why I'm not a social butterfly at this moment.
Harrington talks about the "ordeal" path in his book. This path called to me to learn and think about it more. To challenge myself because I've become rather stuck in a mental rut that I needed out of. One thing mentioned in this area is that sometimes Ordeals aren't our choice, they are put on us by life's happenings. I have to admit I was happy with the idea of pushing myself when I was ready, I didn't have a clue what was to come or that my body was going to put me through an ordeal of it's own. When I think back to the first part of what's happened to me, I handled it not as gracefully as I picture most people handling their body shutting down. I think a lot of the time I was either screaming crying out for help (that nobody could provide at that time) or I was inwardly asking the goddess for help.
I didn't once ask "why me?" like so many my do when bad things happen. Partly because I expect them to happen, they are a part of life just like the good times and happy things. But also I just haven't bothered to ask that question because when I was younger I asked myself: If it's not me going through this hell, it'd be someone else, so why not me? That was and mostly has been my logic for getting through painful and bad times.
Part of me wishes that my ordeal is over, it's been over a week now with no end in site, but I have to take it one hour at a time now. It will be over when it is meant to be over. I will either be better and walking round with a huge smile on my face like I was Friday night, or there will be other out comes that I haven't thought of yet. Not that I'm this positive happy go lucky bitch, no;far from it. But I choose to attempt to be that happy go lucky ungraceful bitch.
With out my friends, I wouldn't have made it this far. I started this blog off to talk about my relationships and the one with my BF, well He's a great guy who kept me sane when my body turned me insane. I'm sure that cost Him a bit of His sanity as well. We have conversations from time to time that are about off topics. One being that He's in a different age group then me, and He says that He's more likely to end up in the hospital and I'm more likely to end up dying quickly in an accident. That's the only reason I know I'm not dying right now. Because young people usually die quickly in accidents and I'm in too much pain and it's been too long to consider this dying quickly. I know, the logic in that is pretty weak, but It makes sense to me.
I went to bed Saturday morning for a few hours. I woke up not hungry at all. so I didn't eat all day and didn't think of it. I joked about it in a chat room I was in at that time, and they told me to go eat cause it's not good to starve yourself. I ate one of those TV healthy choice dinners. It hit my stomach wrong, I ate it slowly and nibbles but it still hurt. That was the start of my 6 days. That evening I went out and got dinner for both of us, I had the same feeling while eating that food as well. The next morning I didn't eat, and I can't recall eating much of anything till the next day. I made fish for lunch cause I have a thing for fish at this moment. Then I called the doctors cause the discomfort I had felt for 2 days was turning into pain. Went in and they ordered me tests. Every day from Monday till Friday I was in the doctor's office or in the testing center. That fish lunch was the last thing I ate that week. By Wednesday I stopped drinking as well. Apparently when you tell the doctors you are having pain in your stomach they take that as nausea and heart burn. Even when you tell them it feels like there is a knife cutting up your stomach from the inside out, it's the same medications they give you.
I'd like to say I learned a shit load of lessons in that week, and I did learn one or two. But I think the important part is to not only learn those lessons but use them. I finally did get to eat Friday night after I went into the ER. I had a hot nurse that I so wanted to tie up and a Hot doctor that I so wanted to tie to the nurse. Oh the scenes that were running through my head that night. And we all know that nurses are kinky so I had half a chance with the nurse. (laughs a bit a that thought).
I've lost some of my sanity, I'm still living one hour at a time (the only difference now is I've got better pain management going on right now), and I'm still smiling for those around me. I found out that when I smile I look pretty cute, and it takes down the pain a little bit each time I smile and hug those around me. I look like a human pin cushion or junkie, I'm sure more needles will be meeting my skin this week and I'll hopefully handle them better then I did last week.
When this is done I'm sure I'll come back here, read this post, and figure out what I need to do to grow and learn from this ordeal I'm going through.
Stay safe everyone. . .and don't forget to smile.
~Raven~
Harrington talks about the "ordeal" path in his book. This path called to me to learn and think about it more. To challenge myself because I've become rather stuck in a mental rut that I needed out of. One thing mentioned in this area is that sometimes Ordeals aren't our choice, they are put on us by life's happenings. I have to admit I was happy with the idea of pushing myself when I was ready, I didn't have a clue what was to come or that my body was going to put me through an ordeal of it's own. When I think back to the first part of what's happened to me, I handled it not as gracefully as I picture most people handling their body shutting down. I think a lot of the time I was either screaming crying out for help (that nobody could provide at that time) or I was inwardly asking the goddess for help.
I didn't once ask "why me?" like so many my do when bad things happen. Partly because I expect them to happen, they are a part of life just like the good times and happy things. But also I just haven't bothered to ask that question because when I was younger I asked myself: If it's not me going through this hell, it'd be someone else, so why not me? That was and mostly has been my logic for getting through painful and bad times.
Part of me wishes that my ordeal is over, it's been over a week now with no end in site, but I have to take it one hour at a time now. It will be over when it is meant to be over. I will either be better and walking round with a huge smile on my face like I was Friday night, or there will be other out comes that I haven't thought of yet. Not that I'm this positive happy go lucky bitch, no;far from it. But I choose to attempt to be that happy go lucky ungraceful bitch.
With out my friends, I wouldn't have made it this far. I started this blog off to talk about my relationships and the one with my BF, well He's a great guy who kept me sane when my body turned me insane. I'm sure that cost Him a bit of His sanity as well. We have conversations from time to time that are about off topics. One being that He's in a different age group then me, and He says that He's more likely to end up in the hospital and I'm more likely to end up dying quickly in an accident. That's the only reason I know I'm not dying right now. Because young people usually die quickly in accidents and I'm in too much pain and it's been too long to consider this dying quickly. I know, the logic in that is pretty weak, but It makes sense to me.
I went to bed Saturday morning for a few hours. I woke up not hungry at all. so I didn't eat all day and didn't think of it. I joked about it in a chat room I was in at that time, and they told me to go eat cause it's not good to starve yourself. I ate one of those TV healthy choice dinners. It hit my stomach wrong, I ate it slowly and nibbles but it still hurt. That was the start of my 6 days. That evening I went out and got dinner for both of us, I had the same feeling while eating that food as well. The next morning I didn't eat, and I can't recall eating much of anything till the next day. I made fish for lunch cause I have a thing for fish at this moment. Then I called the doctors cause the discomfort I had felt for 2 days was turning into pain. Went in and they ordered me tests. Every day from Monday till Friday I was in the doctor's office or in the testing center. That fish lunch was the last thing I ate that week. By Wednesday I stopped drinking as well. Apparently when you tell the doctors you are having pain in your stomach they take that as nausea and heart burn. Even when you tell them it feels like there is a knife cutting up your stomach from the inside out, it's the same medications they give you.
I'd like to say I learned a shit load of lessons in that week, and I did learn one or two. But I think the important part is to not only learn those lessons but use them. I finally did get to eat Friday night after I went into the ER. I had a hot nurse that I so wanted to tie up and a Hot doctor that I so wanted to tie to the nurse. Oh the scenes that were running through my head that night. And we all know that nurses are kinky so I had half a chance with the nurse. (laughs a bit a that thought).
I've lost some of my sanity, I'm still living one hour at a time (the only difference now is I've got better pain management going on right now), and I'm still smiling for those around me. I found out that when I smile I look pretty cute, and it takes down the pain a little bit each time I smile and hug those around me. I look like a human pin cushion or junkie, I'm sure more needles will be meeting my skin this week and I'll hopefully handle them better then I did last week.
When this is done I'm sure I'll come back here, read this post, and figure out what I need to do to grow and learn from this ordeal I'm going through.
Stay safe everyone. . .and don't forget to smile.
~Raven~
Friday, June 4, 2010
There is no try.
I have to remember what I know. Two days ago that was impossible with the state I was in. Today I'm feeling selfish and lonely. A mix that I'm sure not too many people are comfortable residing in. I'm also feeling jealous creep in with those other two feelings. And it's not in a normal form for me.
I want people to know I'm with my Sir, and at the same time I am happy it being between us. So it's hard to deal with people assuming that His play partners are His girl. I want to scream: "No, it's me!! I'm with Him, He loves me." But that doesn't solve anything but making me look childish. Part of me hopes He'll correct people and say that His girl is at home cause she has to work. Why? This weekend is going to be hard enough, but now I get to suffer through work that will drag on for longer. Why? because there is nothing for me to go home to because I'm alone. Nobody to hang out with. . .nobody that I feel like hanging out with. That's me being picky.
I should just go grow more friends and just deal with things. It is what it is. Maybe my jealous comes from the fear of being forgotten. I can't think about that right now because it's not going to help my cause. My cause is figuring out how to get on with my life and not focus on the fact I'm alone.
So I write. But it's not making me feel better. I know there will be days that I won't have anyone around and I should be okay with that. When it's my choice to be alone it's one thing, when it's not my choice I wig out. I should look at this as a challenge.
I some how thing that I'm not going to rise or do this with grace. I wish I could. I wish I could go and be this great person like the people I'm reading are then I really am. I'm awkward and funny. I rise to some challenges and crumbles at others. I wish I was more consistent.
So I've written all this to come to the conclusion that I do not have a clue how to deal with these feelings but I'm willing to learn. I wanted to say 'try', but there is no try, I either learn or don't learn. Next step would be the remembering or not remembering. Okay that got a laugh out of me.
~Raven~
I want people to know I'm with my Sir, and at the same time I am happy it being between us. So it's hard to deal with people assuming that His play partners are His girl. I want to scream: "No, it's me!! I'm with Him, He loves me." But that doesn't solve anything but making me look childish. Part of me hopes He'll correct people and say that His girl is at home cause she has to work. Why? This weekend is going to be hard enough, but now I get to suffer through work that will drag on for longer. Why? because there is nothing for me to go home to because I'm alone. Nobody to hang out with. . .nobody that I feel like hanging out with. That's me being picky.
I should just go grow more friends and just deal with things. It is what it is. Maybe my jealous comes from the fear of being forgotten. I can't think about that right now because it's not going to help my cause. My cause is figuring out how to get on with my life and not focus on the fact I'm alone.
So I write. But it's not making me feel better. I know there will be days that I won't have anyone around and I should be okay with that. When it's my choice to be alone it's one thing, when it's not my choice I wig out. I should look at this as a challenge.
I some how thing that I'm not going to rise or do this with grace. I wish I could. I wish I could go and be this great person like the people I'm reading are then I really am. I'm awkward and funny. I rise to some challenges and crumbles at others. I wish I was more consistent.
So I've written all this to come to the conclusion that I do not have a clue how to deal with these feelings but I'm willing to learn. I wanted to say 'try', but there is no try, I either learn or don't learn. Next step would be the remembering or not remembering. Okay that got a laugh out of me.
~Raven~
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